Cockroaches

Cockroaches

Tonight the cockroaches in my head were dancing a jig again. Such a lively one, boisterous and wild.

They spun imaginary lanterns with their legs, accompanying the rhythm of whatever song was growing louder and louder inside my mind.

To be honest, they were usually quite polite, my cockroaches. Well-mannered, demure, and of the finest sort. I suppose I spent quite some time working on their breedingwith my natural stock, there wasnt much to start from.

My Gran always told me that a few cockroaches in the attic was a good thing. If you had them, she said, it meant you werent run-of-the-mill. A bit of spark, thats what she called it. Makes life more interesting, for you and everyone around you. Lifes a bit lacking in pizazz otherwise.

It wasnt me who invented the word pizazz; Gran was the forward-thinking one in the family, always picking up new slang or odd phrases and bandying them about. Even in her eighties, she was sharp as a tack, lively as ever.

Strictly speaking, though, she was my great-grandmother, not my gran. All these great-somethings dont matter much when your actual grandmums long gone, and your great-gran steps in to fill her shoes.

I adored my Gran, as well I should. She was the closest person to me. Mum didn’t count.

My mothernow, theres someone you dont often meet. Smart, beautiful, and, as it happens, a head teacher. Yes, a proper secondary school, not just the one in our neighbourhood. Thank heavens for small mercies, and for Gran, who insisted Mum send me to a different school.

Why drag the child through your daily problems?

What do you mean?

Oh, use your head! Shell be just another kid over there. Here shes the heads daughter. Dont tarnish her reputationshell need it one day, and it’s easily lost and hard to regain.

Gran never minced words. She called things as she saw themits the only way, she said. I couldnt really say what things were like back in her day, but I could certainly see her results. Gran had been raising Mum since she was five, after Grans own daughter, my great-aunt, passed away. Neither Gran nor Mum liked talking about what happened.

It was just an accident, Molly. A silly, random accident. An icicle from a roof that wasnt cleareda passing life, paid by someones carelessness. Lucky that only one life was lost, really. Your mum was right there; if Aunt May hadnt pushed her out of the way, Id have been all alone.

Gran, accidents can happen to anyone, cant they?

Should I lie to you?

No.

To you, me, to the Archbishop of Canterbury. Anyone. But thats no reason to be frightened.

Whats the reason then?

To live! Live every tiny moment as though its your last and give the world something brilliantor at least truly your ownwithout asking anything in return. You need to leave the world better, kinder, and brighter. Theres enough darkness in it as it is.

But Gran, its easy for you to say. Its hard to do. I know that.

And its a good thing you know! Means your little cockroaches are clever. Theyre growing just right.

Whos growing, Gran? Ugh! Why are you going on about cockroaches?

I never went in for creepy crawlies. Butterflies and beesfine. But cockroaches? Nasty creatures with all those legs, they made my skin crawl.

“Aaagh! Gran, theres a cockroach!”

“Dont touch it! Might have babies!” Gran would flatten the intruder with a slipper before prowling for more. “Seen any others?”

“No, Gran! You said it might have babies.”

“Exactly! I want to find out where!”

Cue the whole-house spring clean, and I realised none of the cockroachs family would be making it through.

Looking back, I realise now Gran was just looking out for me. She knew I was good at shouting, but less so at actually doing something. By the time Id made up my mind to act, the cockroaches wouldve had grandbabies.

Everyone knew that about mefrom Gran to my gymnastics coaches.

“Your girls flexible, got all the right stuff,” the coach would say, “but she thinks too slow for gymnastics. Could be dangerous when you need a quick decision. Maybe try another hobby?”

“Ill think about it!” Gran repliedand took me to chess club.

The club was brilliant. No one rushed me. Theyd let me think as long as I wanted, and even praised me for it! Heaven. No wonder I stayed for years.

Gran was so proud of my little achievementsshed tote my latest trophy around the estate until all the neighbours saw it.

“Molly, you are a star!”

“Gran, youre scaring me.”

“Why?”

“I remember you told Mum stars never find happiness. So I dont want to be a star, thanks!”

“You didnt get it right!”

“So, explain it! Im just a kid!”

She always explained, every time. Shed answer whatever odd question I threw her way, with reason and meaning, maybe not always the way Mum wouldve liked.

“Oh for goodness sake, Mother! What have you told Molly this time? She just asked me what bare her sin in her apron meant. Shes only thirteen! Why would you tell her that?”

“Why not? Kids grow up faster these days! You should try asking her what goes on in her class. Youd feel like a naïve freshers girl, and Ive been married three times! These children Scandal and drama. Im practically a nun compared to them,” Gran would shrug.

“She never tells me anything like that”

“But you dont ask. Thats what were like, us Smiths. Going through life quietly, but in our heads the cockroaches are dancing a can-can! Have a chat with your girl. Dont worry; Ive not taught her anything out of turn. Shes a sensible child with a good memory, thats all.”

“Mum, what should I do with her cleverness? She asks the strangest things sometimes. How am I meant to talk to her?”

“The same way I talked to you. Remember?”

“You never hid anything from me. Always straight up. Why?”

“Because lifes slaps are harder when you dont expect them. Id rather tell Molly the truth now than have life teach her with a stick later. You were preparedor I hoped you wereand you still had Molly at nineteen, without a husband. Not ideal, hmm?”

“Mum!”

“Oh, settle down! I understand. About love, about not knowing anything about Mollys dads people. Never mind. His lies caught up with him; all we got was our Molly. I just worry for youthat youre alone.”

“Gran, dont start!”

“I wont, if you stop living in fear and use your brain. One mistake isnt a life sentence.”

“I havent given up, and Mollys not a mistake!”

“I know, I meant your mad love. Remember when you ran off? I searched the whole city for you for a fortnight.”

“I remember but when you found me, you didnt say a word. Just made cabbage pie and pretended nothing happened. Gran, I love you so much…”

“I know, I know! Now, let me bring up our child!”

“I wont interfere…”

Mum did find happiness, in the end. I was sixteen then. Mum, Elizabeth, had been seeing someone for nearly a year before she let anyone in on it.

I found out firstran into her at a café with a chap Id never seen, holding hands and looking different. She was glowing, younger than Id seen her in ages. At first, I was stunnedjealous, I supposebut as I walked home, I realised something important.

“Gran, did you know Mums dating someone?”

“I had my suspicions.”

“I dont want to get in her way.”

“So dont. Is that a problem?”

“What if he hurts her?”

Gran, who was making dumplings at the time, wiped her hands and hugged me.

“Whod let him? Our Elizabeths not alone. Well see to it.”

I trusted Gran. She was a dear old lady now, but in her day shed been a detectivecaught two serial offenders, shed told me. She always knew more than she let on. And if she werent frowning, everything would be fine with Mums choice. Still, it was hard to accept someone else as Mums priority. She was my world.

But things changed. Andrew Brown came to our home and soon asked Mum to marry him. I had to give my blessing. The way he spoke about his affection, his honesty it was impossible to say no. Mums worry lines vanished for the first time in years. I liked this version of Mum, even if it was hard to relinquish her to him.

Jealousy clung for a while. I tried not to show it, but did a poor job, especially after my brother Oliver was born. Mum was the happiest Id ever seen her, and I unloaded all my feelings to Gran.

“Not enough whippings, my dear!” Gran snapped one night.

“Gran! What are you on about?”

“I thought you were being considerate, choosing not to move in with your mother and her new family. Thought you were all grown up, understood things. But youve disappointed me! Im getting old…”

“Gran, thats not fair! Im not against Oliver. Its just”

“Just what? Upset that Mum wont focus all on you now? Molly, think about whats happened! Youre not alone anymore. Neither your mum nor I will be here forever. Life is unpredictable but therell be someone else now, looking out for you. Ever thought of that angle?”

“I have! But…”

“But its still hard?”

“Yes, Gran! Why am I so bad at this?”

“Youre not, darling. You just got used to being the centre of your mums world. Now, youll have to share. Thats all.”

“I suppose so”

“Then dont split her affectionjust be there. After lectures, pop in, give her a hand. Youll get your share of love and attention. Taking is easy; giving is harder. And love is all about giving back. Are you doubting your mum loves you?”

“No!”

“Then, rein in those cockroaches! In a year or two youll be out and starting your own family, anyway. Time to grow up, Molly. Or do you need a new challenge?”

That was wildly unfairchallenges were everywhere. University beckoned, exams loomed, and as for boys Well, then there was Dennis.

Dennis and I had been at odds ever since I ran into himliterally, at the start of term, tripping up the main staircase on my way to get the school assembly script. Dennis, with his glasses and quiet presence, picked up my things.

“Careful there!” he said.

“Cheers! A hand would help,” I replied, nursing my ankle.

“Thats what Im doing. Youre not being logical.”

For some reason, his matter-of-fact tone grated on me. I waved him off and hobbled away.

Later, our kindly deputy head fussed over me, and Dennis popped in again.

“You need a lift?”

“Where?”

“To the nurse. Might be a sprain.”

“Go away!”

He just shrugged and left.

Molly, why so sharp? the teacher asked. Dennis is a lovely boytop of his class! Aspiring doctor, like you. Whats the trouble?

Nothing I muttered, but kept a mental note.

Doctor, was he? Well, wed see.

Id never given much thought to my future careerhelping children always seemed vital and meaningful. The trickier the challenge, the more I wanted to try.

Mums new family, especially Oliver, gave me plenty to ponder. The little lad turned out to be feisty and noisy but fiercely affectionate. I started spending weekends at Andrews flat, supposedly to help Mum out, but in truth, it helped me too.

Every time I held Oliver, I found myself coming up short. I definitely loved the troublemaker whod grab my hairbut admitting it was another matter. Neither Grans wisdom nor Mums gentle pep talks could solve that.

Problems snowballed, and my cockroaches cheered every new worry. I had to work on myself. Loving Oliver got easierhow can you not love someone who adores you?but everything else needed effort.

It was Oliver who got me questioning my professional ambitions.

“Gran, if I dont love children, I shouldnt work with them, should I? Thats wrong, isnt it?”

“And where did you get the idea you dont love all children?”

“I dont know”

“Youre overthinking, Molly.”

“Maybe but its worth considering, isnt it? What if I turn out to be a grumpy doctor?”

“Good point!”

“Im serious!”

“As you should be. Youre righta grumpy doctor shouldnt be near children. So youd better figure yourself out quickly.”

“How do I do that?”

“Ill think of something.”

She did. Gran arranged for me to help out an acquaintance with a houseful of grandkidsthree children of her own, and now grandkids everywhere. Vicky, the family matriarch, managed it all but needed an extra pair of hands.

Gran explained, after a pause at the window:

“Vickys story wasnt an easy one. Trouble at home, her mother vanished for months, leaving three children. The father claimed shed run off, which had happened before. But things took a turn. He tried to hurt Vicky, wanted to replace his wife with her. She was just seventeen, but had plenty of fight. Her younger brother stood guard at night, and a school boyfriends family helped them get help. Vicky raised her brothers and her own children and now, with all those grandkids, shes unstoppable. I kept in touch, and so should you. Helping with her grandchildren will teach you if working with kids really suits.”

Grans school of life worked. Vicky and I clicked straight away, and the children taught me Id chosen right. I focused on my studies and got my place at universityalthough I wasnt happy with my grades.

And thenon the first day in the corridorI ran right into Dennis again.

Oh! Youre here, he said.

I am. What about you?

Here to study.

Dennis never liked wasting words. Id spend a whole year bumping into him, rolling my eyes as he nodded hello, but little more.

It wasnt until I joined the hospitals volunteer groupentertaining children on the wardsthat Dennis seemed to notice me. Id put on a clown wig, ready for the day, when I heard his lazy drawl behind me:

Well, didnt expect to find you here. Lost your way?

The children loved our act that daynever suspecting the tensions between the two clowns. But afterwards, as I fiddled with a balloon Dennis shaped into a flower, I realised I quite liked him.

When the show finished, Dennis hung back and handed me the balloon flower.

“Here you are! You were brilliant. Fancy a coffee?”

“Why are you so annoying?” I asked, with a small smile.

“No idea. Is that a yes?”

“It is, yes.”

“Great. Best café in townIve only got an hour before my student, though.”

“Student?”

“Im a tutor. Helps with the rentjust Mum and me.”

As it turned out, Denniss cockroaches were the same breed as mine. That, as Gran might have said, sealed the deal for any future happiness. Choose those whose cockroaches dance to the same tune as yours, she always told me. There arent many in the world. If you find one, dont let go!

Did you ever meet someone like that, Gran?

Of course! All three of my husbands were delighted with my pedigree cockroaches. They had their own, too.

Then why did you part ways?

Thats a story for another time. Youll understand when youre older. But let me tell you, it was never for lack of love or understanding. Were all good peoplejust not suited for forever. Youll see.

“Do you like Dennis?”

“I do. Hes a good lad. Almost as good as you!”

“Almost? Why almost?”

“Because hes betterhe puts up with you!”

“Gran!”

“Its true! Has he proposed yet?”

“Not yet.”

“He will soon, believe me. So, what about you?”

“I think I love him”

“About time I dug out my dancing shoes, then.”

And so the cockroaches in my head had their wildest dance yet.

Because Gran was right, as ever. Dennis did propose, with a ring and all the proper traditions. Mum sobbed happily, Gran clapped with joy (not a thought for her arthritis), and Vicky brought her whole raucous family to celebrate.

“He’s a good man, Molly. Dont let him slip away,” Vicky whispered.

“I couldnt if I tried,” I replied.

“And why is that?”

“Our cockroaches match. Gran says you can’t let people like that goyou might never find another.”

“Well then,” Vicky laughed, making the very lantern-gesture the cockroaches danced in my head. “Welcome to the club! Im happy for you, my dear friend. Now, if youll excuse me”

“Where are you going?”

“To hug your Gran, then Dennis! People like this are rarebest keep them close!”