Dreamcatcher

Dreamcatcher

Not again?! Simmy, wake up! Shell wake the little ones! Hold her! Lena slid out of bed and shook her sisters shoulder. And when will she let up, I wonder

Sophie twisted and turned in her sleep, her moan low and sorrowful, filling the room and making even me glance back, as if someone might be standing there in the shadows.

Its like something out of a cheap horror film! Simmy threw off her bedding, shuffled over to Sophies bed, eyes still half-closed, grumbling.

She laid her own blanket over Sophie, lay down beside her, hugged her, and softly sang, Hush little baby, dont you cry She stopped, Oh for goodness sake, Lena, shes proper burning up! Go get Mum!

Lena hesitated, pacing at Sophies bed, sighed, and resignedly left for the parents room. There was no other choice. Sophie was just as much their girl as the rest, and if Mum found out theyd hidden it, shed be fuming.

The master bedroom was quiet. Lena reached over baby Archies cot, which stood pressed up to their parents bed, and gently touched Rose on the shoulder.

Mum

Mums eyes, as brown as Lenas own, snapped open as if she hadnt slept at all. Her warm hand enfolded Lenas.

What is it, darling?

Sophies not well, Mum! Shes boiling, honestly. Like an iron!

Archie whined softly, and Rose immediately started singing, just as Simmy had moments before.

Hush little babe

Her fingers slipped round Lenas wrist, guiding the girl’s hand to Archies little side. Rock him gently so he wont wake. Ill be right back

As if her back pain from cleaning yesterday hadnt existed at all, Rose got up, tiptoed through the sleeping house to the girls room, listening to each breath in that familiar dark.

She was proud of this house. So many had told her and Michael itd be too muchthat theyd never manage building so far from London, and a nice flat would make life simpler

Relatives shook their heads and muttered, sometimes harshly, Why dyou need such a palace? Youre childless!

Those words always stung. Roses heart would sink, her gaze drop, made small by those who cared little for hurting others. Cant have children? Not your place to hold your head high. Others are more deserving.

Michael would always see her after those conversations, eyes lowered, upset, and pull her close, marvelling at how perfectly her cheek nestled into his neck. It was as though they became onehis thoughts hers, even the ones he tried to hide.

Dont listen to them. They dont know anything.

But whats there to know, Michael? Theyre right, arent they? No children

Well see about that! Michael gritted his teeth at all whod slighted her and vowed to make her dream come true.

It felt as if money might solve everything, especially near the capital. But first one clinic, then a second, and a third Always the same. The doctors would shrug, helpless.

Were not miracle workers.

Rose would hide her eyes, even from Michael, unsure how to confess what shed quietly decided long before. When he began planning the house, though, she finally spoke.

Not with me, Michael I love youGod, you know thatbut you deserve a real family. If I cant give you a child then Ill file for divorce.

Dream on! Michael, annoyed, slammed his mug down and hopped about the kitchen, ear stinging from scalded tea. You leave off! Ill say what I think plain enough, never mind what your mum says! She picked up a right uncultured son-in-law who can’t find the words, just mutters! And anyhow! Who says Id ever let go of such a Forgive me! Foolish womanyoure a dab hand at insults, arent you?

Me?! Roses surprise broke her misery, even her tears forgotten.

Who else? Who comes out with things like that? I need you! And if kids comebrilliant. If not thats our fate. Not everyone can be a parent, love

Rose didnt find peace in that conversation. People say things now, but what about later, when regrets creep in?

But Michael wouldnt budge. Hed waited too long for the one whod become the light of his life.

This marriage was Roses second. Shed first wed at nineteen, less for love than to escape being forever second-guessed and criticised by her mother.

Roses relationship with her own mother, Judith, was endlessly fraught. Judith could adore Rose, boasting to all about her clever, beautiful daughter, thenout of nowhereit was as if some dark force yanked at her soul and shed forget all affection, piling on barbs and judgement.

How did I end up mothering such a bundle of trouble, Rose? Sometimes youre brilliant, sometimes whats going on in that head of yours, child?

If shed been able to answer that, she would have. So shed drop her eyes, shrinking from her mothers stare, wondering how one could ever love someone who shouts so?

Ask Rose if she loved her mother, and shed answer yes without hesitation. How could you not love your mum? Nonsense to think otherwise. But as she got older, Rose realised its not education, not a good career, not friends that make a person warm-hearted. Her mother could charm anyoneshe was clever, well-read, sharp in judging character and could win over anyone in the room except her own daughter.

Mum, why dont you love me the way others do? Rose finally blurted it out the week before her wedding, after Judith wrinkled her nose at the dress Rose had combed dozens of shops fora simple, classic style she thought safe.

Judith sniffed. Oh, this rag?!

Rose, left speechless after a month of searching, found herself saying what shed always wanted to: Mum! Answer me! I dont get it! Im your only child. You and Dad, you always seemed fineyou never fought, at least not in front of me. So whats wrong with me, that youre so hard on me?

Dont talk rubbish!

Its not rubbish, is it? Whatever I doits always wrong

You do things right and itll all be fine! Rose, stop trying my patience! Get on with itget married if you like! But dont ask me to approve. Your choice, your consequences! Want approval for everything you do? No chance! A mothers not just there to kiss you all the time. Sometimes you need a ticking off.

Sometimes

Enough! Youll know when youve children of your own!

And what, Mum?!

How tough loving your child can be. How hard to show her you care! Have I not done enough for you?

Thats not the point!

And what is? Your dad did his own thing, and I brought you up. Girls are their mothers responsibility. If youd been a boy

It was then Rose understood. Later, chatting to aunts, she realised her parents had longed for a son and her arrival was met with resigned acceptance.

Honestly, so medieval! Rose trudged through the leafy park, wondering why parents sometimes act so oddly, and how to avoid it. Surely its not inevitable. Or is it? No, she told herself, Ill never favour one child over another. Never!

Her first wedding was elegant and, in truth, quite joyless. She felt stifled in her tightly-laced dress, her mother all sweet smiles and prideWhat a beautiful couple you make, darling! Are you happy?

Could she answer? Not really. Shed nod, hunt for her friend to loosen her corset, and say nothing of her discomfort. To spoil the happiest day of ones life would be unforgivable.

That rushed marriage didnt last long. A miscarriage, and her husband quietly packed his things and left, not even waiting for her discharge from hospital.

The flat her parents had bought stood empty. When Judith drove her home, she chirped away: Well let this out, love, and youll move back. Enough fun and games! Get back to your studies and well find you a proper match. These mistakes cost you, you know!

Rose didnt argue, but that evening she slipped into her fathers study and asked for something else.

Dad, if you care at all, let me live alone. I cant stay with you now.

Why?

It hurts

Odd, but this time her father understood. Against Judiths protests, he arranged Rose an allowance and told his wife to keep out of his relationship with Rose.

Ive decided.

Faced with defiance, Judith only objected once, six months later, when Rose took a part-time job and stopped accepting financial help.

Leave her the wages. Let them pile up in a drawer if she wont take it. Makes me feel better.

Rose graduated, got promoted; but her personal life remained empty. She was attractive enough, but beauty brought her no benefits. She lacked that spark men noticethe embers that can set things alight. She felt like a dying coal: glowing faintly, but little warmth or light left

There was a reason. Medical complications after her loss meant she would probably never be a mother.

It broke her. She went through the motionsworking, seeing familybut it was as if life had deserted her and others began to notice.

Whats up with the girl, Judith? her aunt pressed, Look at her! Like a statue, no life in her eyes. Something needs to be done!

Rose noticed nothing at first: the increased gatherings at the house, the parade of eligible bachelors, aunts and parents inviting this one and that. She didnt connect the dots until one of those garden parties, when she met Michael.

He wasnt a guestdidnt have the status for her family. Michael was a minicab driver, dropping an aunt off at her parents cottage, when the door slid open and a beautiful, ice-blonde girl in a white coat commanded:

Into town, please!

Maybe she just snapped that day, reached breaking point at another festive gathering, where if she were younger, shed be stood on a chair performing for the family, reciting a poem for Muman old family ritual every child endured. Shed watch another red-faced youngster and want to grab him, and run. In her family, proper table manners mattered more than the childs feelings.

Michael didnt quiz her. He just drove her where she wanted, smirking as she searched her coats pockets.

Oh

Whats up? No money?

Left my purse! Its at the cottageIve the keys but nothing else

Its alright! Just give me a smile and were even.

Rose frowned and shook her head, Wait here, pleaseIll get it now.

He didnt wait. By the time she retrieved money from her flat, he was gone. She stood in the entryway, puzzled by fates odd gifts.

Her mother, upon learning shed left the family party, created an uproarYouve no respect for family! Her father merely suggested she might let someone know next time, to avoid another panic.

Michael was parked outside her block the next morning, and Roserushing to workwasnt surprised to see that little white car.

Hop in!

He was relaxed, confident and oddly funny, as Rose, tall and already in heels, practically towered over him.

Hold on a sec!

She darted inside, changed out of her heels, and reappeared in flats. Michael chuckled, clocking her shoes, and opened the passenger door: Sit in frontmuch easier to chat.

And so they met.

Rose was wary, not trusting her feelingsa cab driver! Her family would never approve. Yet something in him was so warm and quietly bright, she decidedlets see where this leads, for once, no matter what Mum says.

And Judith made it clear! The whole family reeled.

Ill disown you! Do you hear me? Strip you of everything! My God, what am I saying Rose, for heavens sake! Is he really for you?

But this time Rose stuck to her guns. She knew exactly what she wanted and wasnt turning back.

She told Michael about her infertility long before marriage.

What do you say, then? Rolling the silly little soft toy hed gifted her in her hands, she couldnt meet his eye. We might never have children do you understand that?

And? Is that what people marry for, just for children? I love you, Rose. Whether you have ten kids, or its just the two of us, doesnt matter.

You say that now

Ill say it always. Dad raised me to honour my word. I wont let you down. Thats that, understood?

They registered their marriage in town, the reception held at Michaels parents place in a little village. Roses parents refused to come; her mother wanted nothing to do with the new family. Her father turned up late, offered a brief congratulations, and went homeRose knew well the price hed pay for disobedience. Judith never minced words, and the squeaky old sofa in his office would bear his full weight that night.

Michaels parents, though, welcomed Rose easily, if not immediately.

Shes so thin! his mother, Susan, tut-tutted, looking Rose up and down. Michael, you need to feed her properly! If she cant cook, well, I taught you well enough. Whats with the sulks? Chin up, Rose! Lifes too short for gloom. So much to be done, only just keep up! Come onhelp me, will you? Ive jam to make. Cant trust the men, eat all the fruit before it hits the pot!

Mum! Michael muffled his laughter.

Dont Mum me! I remember last years strawberry thief! Less harvest this year too! Come, no more chatter! Lend a hand.

Sitting at their kitchen table, plain oilcloth and all, Rose realised she actually liked it here.

She liked this house, brimming with warmth, so rare in her own family, which was all about keeping up appearances. Here, no one played gamesyou were either in or out. Susan even entrusted her with Michaels favourite jam recipe, He wont eat it any other way, and a man should dine at home, not at his mothers!

Michaels parents shone, just as he did. When they learned of Roses infertility, Susan wiped her hands, embraced Rose as she sat with a bowl of strawberries on her lap, and squeezed her.

Oh, sweetheart Its hard, I know But thank you.

For what? Rose could barely hold back tears, aching for a good cry.

For telling the truth! Others would keep quiet; you trusted us. I value that! And as for childrenwell, thats not for us to decide. Gods got His plans and we dont always understand them. But youll be happy, youll see!

Weve not even got a house yet

Youll have one! You picked a good man. Its not just because hes my sonIm proud, but its the truth. His father taught him to stand by his choices. He loves youI see that! So let him never regret his decision, okay? So much relies on the woman in a family. Men think otherwise, but we know better, dont we?

Rose didnt trust completely at first, but Susans heart was open and honest, no hidden stone inside. She accepted whatever camegood or badlike breathing.

It was Susan who, on hearing about Roses thoughts of divorce, suggested a solution.

If you cant have your own, take in a child! My parents adopted me, and there was never anyone else in the world for me until I married and had Michael.

You were adopted?! Rose blinked.

Yes. Surprised? Just because youre adopted, doesnt mean you arent as good as the rest.

But I mean, genes

Thats for clever folk. My parents were ordinary, never a word about my birth family. I only found out when Mum was on her deathbed. They loved me as their own, and thats all that mattered.

Rose took her mother-in-laws advice to heartand let her own mothers words slip past, caring less and less.

The house went up brick by brick. Michael, now running his own removals company, handled much of it with family and friends. On weekends, he was always building something. Roses dad, seeing him cope, offered contacts and advice.

Rose, now working as a solicitor, considered her next step. The career was growingpeople always need property sortedbut her life lacked something.

They finished training as foster parents, and soon began the search for their child.

It didnt take long. After one call from social services, Michaels mum phoned, rattling off a stream of words.

Mum, slow down, I cant keep up!

Rose put her phone on speaker, hands busy kneading doughSusan had taught her that the smell of bread means a happy home. Rose agreed, and when their kitchen was finished, the first purchase had been a proper oven.

Rose! Stop interrupting! There are children, Im saying! The Smithsour neighbourstheir mums written them off. Social services took them. Lovely children! The girls, especially, are gems. I dont know how, given their mum, but they are! The eldest girls watch over the youngest. I know you wanted just one, but here are three! A big responsibility, no doubt. But they call me Granny since they were born What a shame if theyre shipped off to care! Theyve had no luck so far. What do you think?

Mum, thats enough! Michael called, as Rose dusted off her hands and started lacing up her trainers. Have some camomile and wait for us! Were on our way.

So Rose, with barely a moment to think, became the mother of three.

Simmy, then seven, and Lena, six, were shy for only a short time. Once theyd sized Rose up, they told her, quite earnestly,

Dont worrywe can tell youre nice.

Little Alex, just two, called her Mumma within weeks and clung to her everywhereon the swings, for a snack, for a cuddle. The bond was there for all to see except her own relatives.

For heavens sake, Rose! What were you thinking? Three kids with that background! How did you even pass?

Im a lawyer, Mum

Oh, you went and got that degree just to spite me! Rose!

For goodness sake! It was possibly the first time Rose raised her voice to her mother. Ive spent my whole life doing as you say! Nows my moment to make my own choices!

You stopped listening to me ages ago! First Michael, now Choices, Rose! Choices

Rose didnt answer. She set the phone aside, stared at it as if it were a strange new thing, and gently pressed end call. Maybe that was the moment she realised she was finally an adult.

A year, then two, then three

The children grew, delighting Rose with every success, never letting her have a quiet moment. She was working remotely now, collaborating with estate agents, keeping her hand in but focusing on her most important role.

Rose didnt realise she was pregnant for some timeshe blamed the changes on tiredness and stress. Only when Michael caught her pale in the bathroom again did he put his foot down.

Get dressed!

What for?

Clinic! This isnt normal!

Susan, who was staying for the weekend, grinned at Rose, lifting her hand from the pancake station (three pans on the go), Listen to your husband, love. You look green as grass, go see a doctor. Though I know whats up already

What?

Im not telling! Wont believe me anyhow. Let the doctor speak. And when youre back, Ill make you breakfast fit for a queen! Youve got to eat for two now.

When the doctor gave her the news, Rose blurted out,

No way! Youre lying!

Mind your language, please.

But its not possible Rose was so unsteady she couldnt believe this miracle.

You can tell him yourself, the doctor said cheerfully, moving the screen round. Heres your lie, see? Still tiny, but definitely there. Would you like to call your husband in?

Yes

She sobbed, staring at the strange, blurry scan shed never thought shed see.

Archie was born in winter, bringing so much joyand exhaustionRose couldnt tell if she should laugh or cry.

Simmy and Lena took their brothers arrival in stride. More the better, as long as they could help at home. Alex, though, was distraught, sulky, clinging to Rose and desperate for her attention.

My precious, whats wrong? Rose asked, shuffling Archie in one arm while hugging Alex with the other. Im here, Im not going anywhere!

It took some doing to reassure him that a new sibling didnt mean there was any less love to go around. But just as he settled, fate threw out more cardsand in moved Sophie.

It was through Sophie that Rose finally made peace with her own parents, but the circumstances were so grim, neither she nor Michael hesitated to take one more child in.

Sophie was the daughter of Roses cousin, Natalie, whod moved up north for her husbands job. They rarely saw each other. The midnight phone call from Mum left Rose and the house in chaos.

Mum, slow down, youre shouting, I cant understand! Whats happened?

Oh Rose! Natalieyour cousin She Oh God, how could he! I told you there was something wrong with him, but nobody listened! And now shes gone! Dont you get it? Gone! Our little Sophie, now alone, bearing the mark of her fathers evil Whod want a daughter after her father killed his wife?

Mum! Calm down! Where is Sophie?

How should I know?! Rose, what stupid questions are you asking?!

Yes, sorry, Ill call round now

Aunt Margaret, more level-headed, said simply: Ill find out and call back. Wait.

Rose, after sending the restless children to her bed and Michael off to collect Susan, sat gripping her phone in a bedroom chair.

She didnt wait long. Within half an hour, she knew which centre Sophie had been sent to, and two hours later, she and Michael were at Heathrow, with Susan looking after the children.

Taking Sophie home was far from simple. After so long displaced and frightened, she was terrifiedeven of her own shadow.

Many nights, Rose would be roused by the children, find Sophies bed, and gently whisper, Sophie, youre safe. Were here. The girls are here. No one will ever hurt you again.

But it didnt always help. Sophie was still lost in her grief.

Will Mum come soon? she whispered, her face hidden in Roses shoulder, ashamed the other girls had heard her crying again.

Sophie, weve talked about this, sweetheart. Youre staying with us for now. Mum

She obeyed the psychologist, avoiding the harsh truth, until Sophie asked outright,

Shes not coming, is she?

Cornered, Rose gave up on the subterfuge and answered honestly, looking her right in the eyes.

No, sweetheart. Shes not coming back.

To Roses surprise, Sophie took it calmly. She cried quietly, cuddled in Roses arms, and, for the first time, didnt shrug off the girls comforting hands.

A week passed, then two, and the cries at night still haunted the house, despite Sophie seeing her therapist and everyones best efforts to comfort her.

Simmy and Lena tried every trick they knew. Pretty hair clips, a new blouse from Lena (which Sophie solemnly hung back in Lenas wardrobeYou love this, keep it), and Simmys teddy bear ended up forgotten on Sophies desk.

It was Alex who unknowingly helped. Susan had given him a book about Native Americans, and was surprised when he suddenly wanted to go home mid-weekend.

Why, Alex? You wanted to stay for the night?

I must, he said, frowning with all the seriousness of a little man.

Susan took him straight home, no argument. Rose was surprised but said nothing.

Alex kicked off his coat, ran straight to the girls room, summoned his sisters, and plopped the book down in front of them.

There!

Whats this, Alex?

Its a dreamcatcher! We need to make one for Sophie! Her nightmares will get caught in its web and she wont scream or cry any more!

Simmy clapped her hands and reached for the book. Give it herehow does it work?

Rose took note of the request for beads and thread; even Susans best two geese lost some of their finest feathers, and the project was on.

Alex helped from the floor, picking out the prettiest beads, murmuring, This blue one is yours, Sophie, red is mine, and yellow for Simmy, and this white for Lena

They kept the surprise under wraps until it was finishedjust in case.

Sophie, meanwhile, kept crying at night

One night, gasping with fear, Sophie woke up and, for the first time, reached for Rose.

Dont let them take me!

Rose bolted to her, only to find Sophies forehead scalding hot.

Oh sweetheart! Youre burning! Dont worry, darling, I wont let anyone take you away!

Not even him?

Him, love?

Dad

Rose realised, with a shock, that Sophie not only knew what had happened, she likely witnessed it.

Cursing herself for not being clearer when shed taken Sophie in, Rose gathered her up and barked orders to the girls pacing nearby:

My phonequick! Call 999! Wake Dadnow!

Im here. Michael appeared, kissed Sophies burning forehead, then shot Rose a look of panic.

Shes burning up What do we do? Ambulance is a while away

Your mums old trick then!

How?

Michael ripped Lenas bedsheet from the bed and ran to the bathroom.

Lena, get the calpol and as much water as you can! Sophie needs to drink!

The next half hour was a blur, fighting for their daughters life, any doubts about welcoming another child in instantly gone. Rose finally understood shed already accepted Sophie long ago, just hadnt dared admit itwith Michael, she now had five children.

The paramedics didnt even rebuke the dishevelled woman, holding a sleeping child, tears and laughter mixing as she kissed Sophies brow.

She fell or rather, the temperature spiked. No falls, no nausea?

Just the fever, thank Godthats all. Call your GP in the morning; well be off. Nothing more for us to do here.

Morning found Rose asleep in the girls room. She awoke, blinking at the strange thing hanging above Sophies head.

Whats that? she whispered to Lena beside her.

Its a dreamcatcher, Mum! Simmy and I finished it while you slept. Alex found it in his new bookSophies nightmares get caught so she wont cry any more. Though I think maybe she doesnt need it now.

Why?

Because youre her dreamcatcher. All night, she held your hand and she didnt cry any more. Isnt that right?

Maybe Can I tell you something, Lena?

What?

Shes got more than one dreamcatcher.

How many?

Well, countYou, Simmy, Alex, Dad, me Granny when she stays, Grandad at the weekend Loads Rose glanced at the clock and gasped. What time is it?!

Its nearly lunch. Dad said not to wake you. Hes fed Archie, Grannys hereactually both grannies. Granny Susan says shell move in for a while to help out. Grandads coming this weekend, and Granny Judith decided to stay as well. They had a little row but now theyre drinking tea. Oh Mum, Granny Susan brought us a chick! A real one! Hes tinyAlex hasnt stopped ogling him. Maybe its time we got a kitten? Or a puppy? Weve a big house now, but no pets. Grannys got loads

Alex pokes his head through the open door, softly announcing lunch is ready, careful not to wake Sophie. Then, unable to help himself, he scurries over and snuggles against Rose, basking in her hug.

Susan peeks in, Archie in arms, nods at Rose, and shuffles the children off to eat.

Ill bring you two something. Hows she doing?

Rose, sinking into the pillow with Sophie, offers a relieved smile.

Shes not hot any more

Thats good, that is! Poor mite. These fancy psychologists What a child really needs is love, and a house where she feels safe. Itll all pass in time. Troubles been chased off that way before! Oh, and whats this?

Susan eyes the homemade dreamcatcher, and Rose chuckles.

A dreamcatcher! The girls made it for Sophie.

Did they now! Well, theres love, theres home, the rest is time, Rosejust time. It heals all.

Rose watches her mother-in-law go and gently blows across Sophies forehead, as if shooing away the last remnants of worry.

Off you go! Shes oursshes home now.

Childrens shrieks float in from the kitchen, Susans laugh answers, Judith joins inmuch to Roses surpriseMichaels car horn sounds from the drive, and Rose, cradling Sophie, smiles.

Now, at last, everythings as it should be. Everyones here, everyones home, everyones family.

Though, just maybe, someone is still missing. Who knows time will tell.