HOW VICTOR INTRODUCED HIS GIRLFRIEND TO HIS MUM…

Mum, this is my girlfriend, Sophie Martin tries to sound casual, but a nervous tremor creeps into his voice. And, uh well, we want to you know I mean the thing is

Yes, yes. Ive long had my suspicions about what you want, his mum says, eyeing his chosen one curiously. The question is, does your girlfriend feel the same? Sophie, do you really know my son?

Oh, I know him all right, Sophie replies breezily, not the least bit embarrassed. Inside out.

I beg your pardon? Flustered, Mum switches to formal politeness. Do English girls say that sort of thing?

Why not? Sophie shrugs. Its just an English turn of phraseto know someone inside out. But honestly, why are we talking about Martin? We should get to know each other properly. Maybe were not a good match after all.

What do you mean? Mum blinks in confusion.

I mean, you and I will be left sitting up together waiting for Martin at night, while hes out gallivanting around his mates parties. We’ll both be treated to his drunken snoring, Sophie explains.

And why should that be my concern? Mum frantically searches for a way to take charge. Surely youll have your own rooms I do hope so

But youll still be worrying outside the door. All mums do, Sophie says with a grin.

Oi! Hang on protests Martin, listening in bafflement to their exchange. What are you two plotting about me?

Quiet! Sophie and Mum chorus, shutting him out.

So, Mrs. Whittaker, theres something Ive been wanting to ask. Do you ever get into fights? Martin wont say a word about it.

Whatever do you mean by fights? Mum’s eyes widen. Do women even get into scuffles?

Oh, some do, Sophie smirks. Some wives give their husbands a proper thrashingyou wouldnt believe.

Oh, heavens! Mum claps her hands to her face. The things people say these days! Such passions

Oh, come off it. Sophie leans in, confiding in Mrs. Whittaker. You mean to tell me youve never once wanted to give your dear husband or your darling son what for?

Well Mum hesitates, almost ready to confess, then recovers herself. Never. Not once.

I appreciate your effort to sound refined, Sophie smiles, but I dont buy it. How can you be Martins mother and not want to give him a whack, at least once? By the way, did you ever give him a smack as a child?

Certainly not! This time, Mrs. Whittaker tells the truth.

Oi! Martin tries again, but hears in chorus:

Silence!

You spoiled him, Mrs. Whittaker Sophie pats Martin on the bottom. A backside always looking for trouble deserves what it gets. Still, your Martins a goodun. Theres hope for him yet, if steered right. Mrs. Whittaker, fancy a cup of tea? People always talk more frankly over a cuppa. Ive even brought a nice sponge cake

That evening, when Mr. Whittaker arrives home from work, Mrs. Whittaker announces in front of their son:

Darling! Martin is finally getting married!

My word! Youre joking! his father exclaims with delight.

Hold your horses! Im only considering it, Martin tries to correct them.

No, son, Mum says, brandishing her wooden spoon, this time youll marry for sure. And if you dont, Ill just adopt Sophie as my own.

Mum, shes got her own parents, Martin laughs.

Well, fine then, Mum says firmly. Ill just take you back to the maternity ward and inform them you must be someone elses child. And your father will back me up.

If I mustIll swear to it! Dad winks and shakes his fist playfully at Martin.