I’m With You

I dont know what to do, Paul! She wont listen to a word anyone says! Shes absolutely set on having the baby! What baby, Paul? Shes only nineteen! Her whole life ahead of her! Shell drop out of university and then what? End up sweeping streets? This has to be sorted out, and you have to help me, do you hear?

How exactly, Mum?

Pauls voice was so chilly that Irene nearly dropped her phone. Her son had never spoken to her like that! Always her good, kind, warm boy and now this? What had she done wrong? Surely she wasnt to blame, it was all Lauras fault! Laura and her precious love. Silly girl! Wouldnt listen to her mum! But what was the point of complaining now? Irene had only herself to blamespoiling her daughter, being her best friend, letting her get away with anything All that pampering had clearly come home to roost! Thanks for nothing, Irene Parker! Your parenting skills have borne fruit! But why?! Why like this? Paul had turned out so wellclever, well-mannered, always helpful! Even though he lived on his own now. Well, of course, he was a grown man, after all. Never mind how many times shed dropped hints about starting a familyit was always, not yet, Mum. Oh, she longed for grandchildren! How much longer would she have to wait? But when Laura was little, there was always so much to doclubs, competitions, taxi-ing aboutthat Irene barely had time to dwell on her own age.

Now, Laura was independent, sport had fallen by the wayside, and she was hardly ever homealways flitting here and there: lectures, friends, the volunteer search crew, and now this unspeakable boyfriend! Heaven help us, where had she dug him up? The boy had all the personality of a damp flannel! Irene had seen through him immediately, of course, but Laurano, Laura fell right in love. Always saw the best in people, never learned to judge character. Irene could never convince her otherwise, no matter how many times she said, people arent all wonderful, you know! Now look where that got them. Christmas was round the corner, but Irene felt only an enormous, thumping headache. And now Paul! What was with his tone, anyway?!

Paul, whats with the attitude?

Where is she, Mum? Paul spun the wheel, ducked into a side street, and parked up. His usual calm had vanished at the word baby. His hands shook slightly on the steering wheel, and for a moment he could barely seewanted to shout until the windows rattled, like that time Only last time it had done no good, and likely wouldnt now either. Best to get a grip and do somethinganythingso at least, if not his own lost son or daughter from years back (hed never found out what Svetlana had been expecting), maybe Lauras little one might stand a chance. Oh, Mum! What are you doing? You always gave Laura more love than me, the golden child, your sweet late surprise. Who wouldnt adore such a blue-eyed, fair-haired marvel? Laura had always been beautiful, right from her first day. Paul, by then, had seen his fill of babiesplenty of cousins and second cousins in the Parker family, all sturdy, grey-eyed, Parker stock, thick arms and legs everyone proudly showed off: the chubbier, the better! Only Laura was differenta swan-necked, delicate orphan amongst a crowd of butterballs. Their mother had been almost awkward, as if she felt guilty about having produced such an ethereal creature, before later watching with pride as Laura flitted, light as a butterfly, around family gatherings, drawing every gaze.

To have such a beauty! Aunties would sigh, fussing with their own daughters hair ribbons and frocks.

When Laura finally took the gym mat for the first time in her glittering leotard, it was clear shed been born for more than just pleasing the eye.

Their mother had poured herself into Lauras budding gymnastics career, while Paul was at long last freed from his mothers constant attention to tend to his own life. Oh, she loved him, no doubt, but she was also so thoroughly proud of him shed tell everyone within earshot:

Pauls won the National Physics Olympiad, yesthe big one! No need to worry about his future, hes a genius! Once the maths results come inwell, Im sure hell ace those, too. Oh, raising kids isnt so hard, you just have to put in the time, thats all!

She never noticed the pinched expressions and pursed lips of her listeners. Why should she? In her little world, her children sparkledclever, beautiful, adored by everyone, a devoted husband at her side, and work she liked for extra pocket money. Irene was a born English teacher, conjuring up university applicants out of even the dimmest secondary schoolersfor which she charged nearly double the local going rate, and still had people queuing at her door.

It dependsdo you care more about your wallet or your result? If you dont mind investing in your child, Ill have them ready, you can count on it!

Paul could never quite fathom how his mother juggled it allLauras training, the house, her job. She had organisation down to a fine art, and thats something shed drilled into him as wellit came in handy now, letting him keep track of his own time.

Today, his day was scheduled down to the minute, but his mothers call had knocked it sideways.

How long had it been since hed heard those fateful words: Im pregnant. Im not keeping the baby. Im too youngits your fault, so you sort it out. Ive found a clinic, you handle the rest.

Good Lord, what a row theyd had! The first real argument in their three years togetherPaul shouting, glass shaking in the window frames. What was he to blame for? Hadnt he suggested, again and again, marriage, a family? He had everything: a flat (modest, but still), a car, a cracking little business What did she expect, a country manor? He wasnt a tycoon, but then Svetlana wasnt princess material herselfshe was just a girl from another course, fresh out of some tiny village with an unpronounceable name. Shed had him laughing, struggling with her home-towns name. Theyd met when she barrelled into him in the uni corridor, while he was scrawling calculations on the wall.

You cant just stand there! People need to get past! Havent you heard of notebooks, or are the Brits rationing paper again? Why scribble on the plaster? You do this at home too?!

Shed growled at him, hopped off with one broken-heeled shoe in hand, still scowling, and dashed to her examleaving Paul bewitched and tailing after, entranced.

After her exam, Svetlana (cool as you like) had linked her arm through his and waggled her result sheet under his nose: Top marks! That calls for a celebrationany suggestions?

They dated for over a year before moving in together, during which Paul lived with his grandfather, as Mum was always off somewhere and Dad lived in the office. After Granddad passed, his parents insisted the one-bed was too poky for him, and he didnt mind movinghe was missing Granddad like mad anyway. When Granddads cheerful groaning no longer echoed from the kitchen (Get up, lad! Ive done you breakfast!), the place felt empty. Hed heard Granddad joke with Grandma: Once youre gone, love, Ill be off soon afterwhats the point on my own? But for Paul and Lauras sake, he stuck around: Want to see how you two turn out, then join my little dove

Grandparents gone, Paul realised what real love looked likestrong and weatherproof and eternal.

Hed hoped for that kind of love with Svetlana, but the cold, businesslike way shed stuck out her hand for his bank card in the clinic killed off any hope. Shed just packed her things, swiped his wallet, slammed the door, and later, he got a notification: a large sum gone. After hed cancelled his card at the bank, hed gone to his parents.

His mother wailed, his father (ever the practical one) cut through the drama and clapped him on the back. If you need us, lad, were here.

Paul didnt tell them everythingjust said he and Svetlana had ended things. His mother would have had plenty to say about Svetlana, and for what? Let her assume it was his choice, differences of character. Easier all round.

That night in his old room, alone on the battered sofa (his parents never did replace it), Paul sat in the dark, thoughts trickling through his mind like treacletar-thick gloom, no hint of light. Where would he even find the light?

It had come to him, in the end. Laura, just a slip of a thing at sixteen, poked her head round the door, hesitated, then silently perched on the rug, arms and legs angled like a long-legged foal, brushed his tears away and said: You look dreadful, Paul. What can I do to help? I want to, but I dont know how

Just stay. So I dont do anything daft.

And she had, sitting with him all night, until their mum realised Laura was missing at breakfast. She never twiggedit was a pre-competition blip, she assumed. Theyd sat, then talked, more than they ever had, and Paul realised his little sister was deep, wise beyond her years. Laura got everything out of him, then in the simplest, kindest way, showed him not all was lostlife carried on, and maybe even held something good in the future.

You should be a counsellor, Laura.

Watching her smile, Paul could see shed wanted to hear that. Pity Mum had other hopesshe had visions of Laura, famous gymnast, and was tireless in pursuit of it. Even now, shed zoom into their room, fuss over Lauras hair, ruffle Pauls to annoy him on purpose, then flit off to make breakfast.

That day, Laura won her competitiondanced across the mat, judges raising eyebrows at her musicality. Bizets Habanera thundered out and Laura danced Pauls pain, confusion, andfinallystrength, turning it into something triumphant.

Thered been talk of moving her to a London club, but then disaster struck. Walking home one night after practice, Laura didnt notice two lads tailing her. Shed insisted she was old enough to make her own way (it’s only ten minutes, after all).

Hey, wait up, love! No need to hurrylook, weve got a lovely puppy!

A deep growl behind her made Laura walk faster.

Too good for us, are you? Alright, Rickget er!

Petrified of dogs since childhood, Laura didnt dare look back. Dont run, she reminded herself, or the dogll be after you. The entrance to the one block of flats around here was just ahead, lights on, people inside. Quick steps, but not too quick But she slipped on the icy steps and went flying.

She woke up in hospital. Mum was sitting next to the bed, more grey than the hospital walls, rocking quietly. Her head hurt, her legs achedworse than after a full day of drills.

Mum

Youre awake? Irenes eyes were so swollen from crying they were just little slits. Oh Laura how could this happen?

Laura never really found out if her mother pitied her for the injury (a heap of complicated fractures), or for the abrupt end to her sporting dreams. Mum didnt do there, theres and cuddlesLaura had always found comfort a bit awkward, but right now, she wished her mum would just hold her and say, Sweetheart, hang in there. Itll get better.

Instead, it was Paul who gave her what she needed.

Listen, squid, hang on in there! I know it hurts. How about I bring a massive cake? Now you can eat it all! Or Ill pick you up, well go for a walkthrow snowballs at me from a bench, if you like! Dont sulk! Ill find you a snazzy pair of crutches and well get you set for uni. Still dead set on psychology?

Hed scoop her up and let her hide from the world in his arms.

It was a long recoveryby her first year at uni, Laura was almost back to normal. Her walk was different (no more gliding), sometimes she felt more like the Little Mermaid than a gymnastbut gone were the crutches and stick. Paul had even got her crutches spray-painted pink, but she ended up giving them to a girl from the volunteer search crew, Ellie, whod been disabled since childhood but somehow seemed to help everyone else. Ellie coordinated everything from her little flat, turning it into HQ.

Ell, when do you sleep? Laura would mutter, making endless tea and prepping sandwiches for those out searching, slicing up yet another stick of salami.

Sleep? Whats the point? Better to be useful than sitting home like a bat in a cave. Im needed! Im alive, surely thats what matters?

Thats where Laura met Max.

To be fair, Irene was right about one thing. Max wasnt exactly a dreamboatsort of faded around the edges, almost invisible, but got through more work than three people put together. Laura knew his story, but wisely kept it from Mum. Max just didnt meet her standards.

Hed started volunteering when his stepdad went missing. Max had spent all day looking, but got nowhere with the police (Come back in three days, they said). Gen, his stepdad, had been the first half-decent man in his mums life, three marriages in. His real dad had run off before he was born. His grandparents had picked up the pieces: Never mind, hes ourshell do.

Mum worked away for years, Max grew up with his grandparents. When mum came back, complete with bad-tempered new husband, young Max fled back to his grandad at the first row. His mum didnt insistand divorced Mr Wrong in under a year.

As luck would have it, Gen, local widower and all-round nice chap, arrived next. Max had been wary at firstGen, a bit wheezy, round round the middle. But when Gen took him fishing, something clicked. Sitting in silence, the morning sun coming up, Max began to thaw. Gen gave him a decent rod; time on the river gradually became father-and-son time. When things went wrong, Max asked Gen, not his mum or his grandad (who was sadly fading fast).

After his grandparents died in quick succession, Max moved in with his mum and Gen. When she too got sick and then passed away, Gen adopted Max officially. Youre not alone, son. Im here as long as I can be.

Gen went missing on the way home from work. Hed rung Max: Pick up a loaf if you can, ladIll be late. And that was the last hed heard.

Max hunted for him, following every leadincluding one from a helpful bus driver. But Gens body was found just inside the park, only yards from home. If only someone had stopped but no one had. Max signed up with the search crew the next dayhe wanted to help others now.

Within days, Laura dragged Max to meet her brother.

I like him, Paul. Maybe more than just like.

Well, thats good, isnt it? Whats he like?

A good one, I think

And it turned out Paul agreedhe could see what Laura saw, though they looked an odd pair: Laura, willowy and striking, Max, unassuming and quiet. Paul backed his sister: Doesnt matter what people look likeits the inside that counts, eh?

Even their parents, after a bit of eyebrow-lifting, eventually nodded the pair through (Lets see, was Dads verdict).

So much for lets see, Paul thought, pulling away from the kerb. He needed to find Laura. After that blow-up with Mum, Laura probably wasnt going to do anything drasticbut still And Irene had almost certainly not listened to a word Laura had said, not knowing that Max was gone, and Laura was, apparently, expecting

Maxs end was a cruel, ridiculous accident. Late at night, on the phone to Laura, hed stepped into the road, just a few paces shy of a proper crossingand in his dark winter coat instead of his usual grey jacket. The driver had no chance; even Paul hated driving that poorly-lit stretch. Max was gone instantly.

Itd happened only two days ago; the funeral was tomorrow. Laura hadnt said a word to the parents, and seemed to have frozen, unable even to cry.

I cant cry, Paul, I just cant. I just sort of whimper into the pillow when theyre not listening

Did you tell them?

I cant. Mum would start up you know how she is, and I just cant take it

Paul wondered why Laura hadn’t told him about the baby. Maybe shed only just found out? Or maybe she just couldnt bring herself to pick up the phone?

So many questions, and never enough answers.

Ellies flat, as usual, wasnt locked. Paul knocked softly on the kitchen door, caught Ellies eye, and asked: Laura?

In my room, said Ellie, shes been waiting for you.

It was dim in the room, but Paul wisely kept the light off. If Laura had been crying, bright light would sting her eyes.

Paul

Im here.

Good

Her sigh was so soft, so broken, that Paul crossed the room to pull her into a proper, brotherly bear hug, wrapping herand the throwup tight.

Dont be scared, little one. Im with you. Well get through! I know it feels like there isnt a chink of light left, but you waittherell be a baby, and a new start, and that child will be simply wonderful, because, look at her mum! And her dad was one of the best tootry finding better, I dare you!

Laura gave a quiet, hiccuping little sob, and finally burst into tears, snuggling her tangled hair into his shoulder.

You should have been a counsellor, Paul. Youd have done well Oh, it hurts so much

So that evening Paul took Laura back to his flat. He told their parents Laura would be staying with him from now onand if they didnt want to lose both their children, it was time to let her make her own decisions.

Nothing after that was easyLauras pregnancy came with a marathon of morning sickness and headaches; delicate negotiations with the parents proved Sis and Paul were all grown up and immune to unsolicited parental opinion. Dad, to his eternal credit, would visit Laura on the sly, help get things ready for the baby, and found her a wonderful doctor, who made the whole grim process just bearable.

Little Vicky was born at dawn, bellowing so lustily the midwife burst out laughing.

My word, what a set of lungs! Her mums a waif but her daughters a baritonewhose genes are those?

Her dads Laura smiled at her red, squawking bundle. Here it was, the new lifeMax would live on in this girl, especially as her eyes werent the Parker blue. The Parkers would have to continue through Paul; Vicky would be the start of Maxs lineage.

Three years later.

Vicky! Come here, Ive brought you a present!

Uncle Paul! Another one? Laura peered in from the kitchen, hands dusted with flour. Its Christmas, not her birthday, Paul. Stop spoiling her!

I have every right! Thats what uncles and godparents are for. The last was from me as a relativethis one is from the godfather!

Vicky promptly abandoned pulling the cats tailthe poor beast had long since resigned itself to a life of martyrdomand dashed into the lounge. Paul had sold his place, bought two tiny flats in a new building so he could be near his sister and niece.

Vickys big brown eyes, so like Maxs, widened at the box in Pauls hands. When he opened it, her face lit up, brighter than the Christmas lights.

Do you like it?

She gently explored the box of glass ornaments.

Can I?

Of course! Theyre for you. Lets put them on the tree together.

Laura, wringing her hands on her apron, appeared as Paul lifted Vicky up to hang a Nutcracker on a branch.

Well, arent these magical! Paul, theyre gorgeous! Butglass! What if she breaks one?

Doesnt matter! I know where to get more. Besides, look how much she loves them!

Vicky, now sprawled by the tree with the cat in a reluctant headlock, was babbling away, half-swallowing her words, telling the worlds longest Christmas tale, terrified the cat would slip away before she finished. Vicky knew the story by heartthe day before, Paul had taken them to see the ballet, and shed spent all day dancing round the flat, copying the ballerinas.

Seems like were redundant here. You said she wouldnt like the ballet, remember?

I said she wouldnt sit still, not that she wouldnt like it! Shows what I know: my girl has more patience than me.

Paul gave her a look. Wait until bedtimethen well see how patient she is! Feed me, will you? Ive got work again tonight.

Arent you staying? Mum and Dad are on their way soon!

Let your parents spend some time with their grandchild. Ill be back latersomeones got to relieve the cat before she tortures it to death.

By the way, Mums been looking at ballet schools for Vicky

Oh, brilliant.

Exactly. Now what?

Well figure it outredirect her energy, if we can.

And if not?

Then youll have to remember youre her mother, and Ill back you up. Between the two of us, Mum doesnt stand a chance.

You sure?

Dead certain! Nowcan someone feed me?

Feed you! Youre impossible. When am I going to see you settled down and being cooked for by your wife, eh?

Laura dodged a playful cuff and scampered from the room laughing.

You and Mum really have stitched me up! Hows anyone meant to get a word in with you two? Ill never get any nieces or nephews at this rate!

Oh, women

The little Marie ornament spun on the tree, nudged by a chubby finger. Vicky sang to herself, before launching into another impromptu dancethe cat making a quick exit, clearing the way for, who knew, perhaps the next Margot FonteynOutside, the first flakes of snow drifted lazily past the window, catching the lights and swirling in the golden glow beyond the glass. Paul, arms folded, watched them for a moment, letting the warmth of the scene behind him ease something nestled deep in his chesta wound he no longer needed to hide. The room behind him was alive: Vickys peals of laughter, Lauras voice humming an off-key carol, even the cats resigned yowl as Vicky attempted to dress it in tinsel. Tomorrow, the parents would arrive bearing gifts and opinions, and there would be noise and stories and biscuits slightly burnt at the edges.

But tonight, there was just this: a glowing tree, a family patched and imperfect but fiercely loving, and Maxs spirit alive in the gleam of Vickys eyes and the way she twirled, arms outstretched. The ache of things lost softened, just a little, by what they had reclaimedlove that survived grief, hope that bloomed with each new call of Uncle Paul! and every small hand reaching up for his.

Look! Vicky shouted suddenly, brandishing her favorite ornament. Its magic, Uncle Paul! Its really magic!

He knelt beside her, lowering his head to her height, and for once in his ordered, careful life, let himself believe it.

Yes, Vicky, he murmured, eyes shining, it truly is.

Laura caught his gaze, and for the first time in a long while, Paul saw her smile reach right up into her eyes. For a heartbeat, time held still: past, present, and future threaded together, fragile and wondrous as glass, yet strong enough to catch the light.

In the hush, as snow blanketed the silent lane and laughter spilled out over frosted panes, Paul understood: family was not what you planned, but what you dared to loveagain and againdespite everything. And as Vickys laughter rang out, bright as bells, Paul finallyquietlylet himself laugh too.