I’ve Had Three Long-Term Relationships—In Each One, I Thought I’d Become a Dad. Yet Every Time Thing…

Ive had three long-term relationships in my life. In each of them, I thought Id become a father. And in each one, I ended up leaving when things started to get serious about having children.

The first woman I was with already had a young child. I was 27 at the time. At first, I didnt mind at all. I got used to her routines, her childs schedule, the responsibilities that came with it all. But when we started talking about having a child together, months passed and nothing happened. She was the first to go to the doctor. She was fine. Then she started asking if Id had any tests done myself. I kept telling her it wasnt necessary, that things would work out. But gradually, I started feeling uneasy irritable tense. We began arguing constantly. And one day, I simply left.

My second relationship was different. She didnt have children. From the start, we were both clear that we wanted a family. Years went by, we tried over and over. Every negative pregnancy test just made me withdraw more. She started crying more often. I began dodging the whole topic. When she suggested we see a specialist together, I told her she was making a fuss about nothing. I started turning up late, losing interest, feeling trapped. After four years, we broke up.

The third woman I dated already had two teenage sons. From the very beginning, she said she was content not having any more children. But the subject came up again. In fact, I was the one who brought it up this time. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. And once again nothing. I started feeling out of place, as though I was taking up space where I didnt belong.

In all three relationships, something similar happened. It wasnt just disappointment. It was fear. Fear of sitting in a doctors office and hearing that I was the problem.

I never got myself checked. I never had anything confirmed. I preferred to leave rather than face an answer I wasnt sure I could handle.

Now Im over forty. I see my exes with their new families, with children that arent mine. And sometimes I wonder if I truly left because Id had enough or because I didnt have the courage to stay and confront what might have been going on with me.