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Я ніколи не кохав свою дружину і відверто їй казав: проблема не в ній, ми жили мирно

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На ім’я я Андрій Ворон, проживаю в місті Чернігів, де Сіверщина зберігає свою історію та сірі будні сучасності. Ніколи не відчував любові до своєї дружини, Ганни, і не раз викидав це їй в обличчя, як гірку правду. Вона не заслуговувала на це — ніколи не влаштовувала сцен, не дорікала, завжди була ніжною, турботливою, майже святою. Але моя душа залишалася холодною, як крига на Десні взимку. Любові не було — і це гризло мене зсередини.

Кожного ранку я прокидався з однією думкою: піти. Я мріяв знайти жінку, яка запалить у мені вогонь, з якою я зможу дихати. Але доля зіграла зі мною жорстокий жарт, перевернувши все з ніг на голову так, що я до сих пір не можу отямитися. З Ганною мені було зручно, як у старому кріслі. Вона вела господарство ідеально, виглядала так, що перехожі оберталися, а друзі плескали мене по плечу: «Де ти таку знайшов, щасливчик?» Я й сам не розумів, чим заслужив її відданість. Звичайний чоловік, нічим непримітний, а вона любила мене, наче я був для неї всім світом. Як таке можливо?

Її любов душила мене. Ще гіршою була думка: якщо я піду, її забере інший. Хтось успішніший, красивіший, багатший — хтось, хто оцінить те, чого я не помічав. Коли я уявляв її у чужих обіймах, розум затуманювався від люті. Вона моя — навіть якщо я ніколи її не любив. Це відчуття власності було сильнішим за мене, сильнішим за здоровий глузд. Але чи можна все життя прожити з тією, до котрої серце мовчить? Я думав, що зможу, але помилявся — всередині мене зріла буря, яку я не міг стримати.

«Завтра скажу їй все», — вирішив я, лягаючи спати. Вранці за сніданком зібрав рештки сміливості. «Ганно, сядь, нам треба поговорити», — почав я, дивлячись у її спокійні очі. «Звісно, дорогий, що сталося?» — відповіла вона з традиційною м’якістю. «Уяви, що ми розлучаємося. Я йду, живемо окремо…» Вона розсміялася, ніби я жартував: «Що за дивні фантазії? Це гра?» «Слухай далі, я серйозно», — перервав я її. «Добре, уявила. І що?» — запитала вона, все ще з усмішкою. «Скажи чесно: знайдеш собі іншого, якщо я піду?» Вона застигла. «Андрію, що з тобою? Чому ти взагалі про це думаєш?» — в її голосі з’явилася тривога. «Бо я не люблю тебе і ніколи не любив», — випалив я, наче удар.

Ганна поблідла. «Що? Ти жартуєш? Я нічого не розумію». «Я хочу піти, але думка, що ти будеш з кимось, зводить мене з розуму», — мій голос дрижав від напруження. Вона помовчала, а потім тихо, з якоюсь сумною мудрістю сказала: «Кращого за тебе я не знайду, не хвилюйся. Піди, я залишусь одна». «Обіцяєш?» — вирвалося у мене. «Звичайно», — кивнула вона, дивлячись мені в очі. «Почекай, але куди мені іти?» — розгубився я. «В тебе немає місця?» — здивувалася вона. «Ні, ми ж все життя разом. Певно, мені доведеться залишитися поруч», — пробуркотів я, відчуваючи, як земля йде з-під ніг. «Не хвилюйся, — відповіла Ганна. — Після розлучення розміняємо квартиру на дві менші». «Серйозно? Я не очікував, що ти так мені допоможеш. Чому?» — запитав я, приголомшений. «Бо люблю тебе. Коли любиш, не тримаєш насильно», — її слова прозвучали як вирок.

Минуло кілька місяців. Ми розлучились. А потім до мене дійшли чутки: Ганна збрехала. Вона знайшла іншого — високого, впевненого, з доброю усмішкою. Квартиру, яка дісталася їй від бабусі, вона і не думала ділити. Я залишився ні з чим — ні дому, ні родини, ні віри в людей. Обман виявився як удар в спину, і я досі чую її голос: «Я залишусь одна». Брехня. Холодна, розрахована брехня, а я повірив, як дурень.

Як тепер довіряти жінкам? Я не знаю. Моє життя з нею було зручним, але порожнім, а тепер і цього немає. Я сиджу у знімній кімнаті, дивлячись у стіну, і прокручую ту розмову. Її спокій, її слова — все виявилось маскою. Друзі кажуть: «Ти сам винен, Андрію, чого чекав?» І вони праві. Я не любив її, але хотів тримати поряд, як річ. А вона пішла, залишивши мене в самотності, якої я так боявся. Можливо, це моя розплата — за холодність, за егоїзм, за те, що не цінував її серця. Тепер я один, і тиша навколо ріже сильніше її відходу. Що ви думаєте про мій вчинок? Я сам не знаю, хто тут більший дурень — я чи вона.

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