If you think I ever dreamed of having a family, you couldn’t be more wrong. I don’t need a wife—especially not someone like you.

A few years ago, my friend William got married. Honestly, he held out for a long time the mans thirty-three! William always lived for himself and was openly against marriage. Visits to his parents in Oxford, doing the weekly food shop, Sunday family roasts he found all of that insufferable. Whenever family or mates teased him, hed parrot the same thing:

Ive got my own flat, a decent job, so whats the point of a family? I manage just fine. Besides, Ive got a faithful companion my dog, Baxter. We get on brilliantly, neither of us fusses about. As for women? I’m with one today, another tomorrow, makes no odds to me.

But eventually, sooner or later, everyones life takes a turn. William wasnt immune. Fate threw him into the path of a woman, and she was shrewd knew how to keep him chasing. Her name was Charlotte, and we first heard about her after a chance meeting at a little coffee shop in London. Charlotte was twenty-nine, divorced, no children.

After they bumped into each other the second time, Charlotte started spending the night every now and then at Williams. Before he noticed, a few of her dresses appeared in his wardrobe. By the time he twigged, shed all but moved in. One evening in the kitchen, mugs of tea in hand, Charlotte looked over and said:

William, youve hinted about marriage before. Dyou know, I think Ill say yes.

Try as he might, William couldnt honestly recall ever hinting at it, but he couldnt exactly argue it either. He feebly protested, but Charlotte swept the conversation away, busying herself planning the big day.

William could sense things veering off script, but couldnt stop it. Sooner or later, he figured, a man must grow up and settle down. And honestly, Charlotte was a decent choice. Just like that, another bachelor bit the dust.

The first year of marriage was quite lovely, all things considered, though the occasional quarrel flared up between them. Charlotte hated it when William rolled in late or worse, half-cut. In return, shed sometimes ring up her ex-husband, venting about troubles at home. William despised that she still spoke to the bloke.

Charlotte always defended her friendliness. One night, after celebrating his bosss birthday at work, William came home a bit too merry again and collapsed in the spare room. There, drifting off, he overheard Charlotte chatting to Baxter.

You sly old thing. All you ever do is eat and sleep, and youre good for nothing else. Just like your master. No, youre actually cleverer than he is… At least you understand me, even if you dont talk. Your master doesnt want to understand anything. How can anyone live like that?

William bristled, on the verge of getting up and telling Charlotte what he really thought. Then he heard more:

Back home drunk, as usual. You hate the stink of it too, dont you, Baxter? It gets worse every time. I cant stand watching him like this. Wish Id never married him. He seemed alright at first but turned out to be a right prat. My ex-husband was so much better. Didnt drink, earned decent money. Whyd I ever leave him? Sure, he strayed once or twice who doesnt? At least he was generous. Always knew how to apologise, and hes still begging me to come back. What do you think I should do, Baxter? Give me a sign.

At that, William strode into the room. He called Baxter to his side, glared at Charlotte and spoke firmly:

If you thought I spent my life dreaming of a family, youre sorely mistaken. I dont need a wife especially not one like you. You walked into my flat, not the other way round, and I can barely stand to look at you. Youve got an hour to pack. Maybe your ex is waiting. Or someone else, who cares? By the way you can file the divorce papers tomorrow.

Instead of leaving with dignity, Charlotte burst into tears and started apologising then accused William of being heartless. But he was done. He watched her walk out the door. Outside, she called a cab, hopped in, and disappeared into the night, leaving William and Baxter in the flat, alone again.