Life on Hold

A Life on Hold

Mum, may I have a sweet from the box? Just one! Please! Ellie circled eagerly by the cupboard, where her mother, Sylvia, had stashed the hard-won chocolates.

No, love! Those are for the table. If you eat them all now, therell be nothing left for Christmas.

Ellies face fell. Why did it matter when she ate a chocolate? She wasnt asking for the lot, just one! Why did her mum always act this way? If it was something tasty, it was saved for later; if something lovely, it was for best. Oh, how she wanted to take a sweet, put on that new dress her dad brought back from a work trip to London, and pop round to see Jenny. Jennys mum never stopped her from wearing new things to nursery. True, Ellie had overheard once that Jennys mum didnt buy many things, she made them herself. So what? Jenny was always the best dressed in their group, while Ellie trudged about in an old polka-dot dress that shed grown weary of long ago.

Back then, Ellie had no idea how hard her parents worked for every chocolate and new bit of clothing. Her mother worked in the village library, her father as an engineer. Ellie had grown up hearing the words to get hold of, meaning something special had been found, something beyond what the local shops offered. Thats how she ended up with lovely shoes, and her mum with her first-ever leather boots. The purchase meant nearly a month of endless pasta and potatoes, but her mum was so proud she barely wore them at first, just admired them in their box. For some reason, Ellie never forgot those bootsthe scuffs and worn-out heels remained vivid in her mind well into adulthood.

Over time, everything changed. Soon enough, the shops were brimming with everything you could wish for; there was no trouble buying clothes, indulging their daughter with treats. But now, the trouble was money. Ellie was in Year Ten when her dad burst home one day, beaming:

Theyve taken me on!

At the time, Ellie didnt truly understand, but the excitement in her parents eyes told her something good had happened. It had. The joint company where her dad now worked specialised in electronics, and his skills were finally recognised. For the first time, Ellie felt something shift in her perennially reserved, often preoccupied father. Hed found his calling, and before long, new strengths. Soon his career soared.

Life got easier. Her mum no longer sat up at night with her notebook, scraping the family budget for a few extra pounds to get Ellie something new. The first pair of jeans, trendy trainers, all sorts followed. Ellie abandoned her plan to leave after GCSEs to start workshe decided to apply to university. Her parents backed her with pride. She spent two years buried in textbooks, missing parties and friends, but aced her exams and became a student. Now she might have relaxed, but Ellie chose differently. First study and a good job, then everything else. And she pulled it offtop marks, a great position her father arranged through connections, an enviable start in the company. It seemed, finally, everything was in place. She could start thinking about herself, maybe a family. But Ellie was ever focusedher career came first. She wanted to be sure she never had to worry again about what to wear or where to live

Her parents couldnt have been prouder. Clever, successfulshed bought her own flat and car, holidayed abroad. Only she was alone.

Ellie didnt mind. Shed never been a goody-two-shoes, and she had plenty of admirers, but she wasnt in a hurry for anything serious. Why rush? Youth was fleetingso much to do. Once she had kids, thered be no time for the rest.

Real love came to Ellie only at thirty-five. She and Victor had been colleagues for years, their offices separated by a single wall, talking only when necessary. She hadnt the faintest idea Victor fancied her. He was handsome, intelligentjust what she admired most. On a night out with the office, Ellie, slightly tipsy, rested her head on his shoulder as they danced. Victor, no longer circling his Ice Queen as colleagues dubbed her, didnt hesitate.

Marry me, he said, simply. Were both successful, times getting on. Lets start a family. I like you. More than like you I love you, Ellie.

Ellie laughed softly. Victor, dont be daft. Weve all the time in the world!

But the next morning, looking into Victors eyes, she surprised even herself: Alright. Ill marry you.

Their wedding was grandSylvia cried, overjoyed, finally seeing the hope of grandchildren. Three years later, Ellie realised all her achievements felt hollow compared to what shed denied herself, holding back from what truly mattered.

My futures gone, Mum Its gone Ellie sat clutching the test results, unable even to cry. Why was I such a fool?

Wait, love. Its just one clinic. Medicine changes all the time. Everything can still change.

When? Ellie flung the papers onto the floor, pages scattering across the sitting room.

Everything at her parents home was almost as in her youth. They refused any money for new furniture or repairs, though her dad was retired and unwell, and her mum rarely left his side. Ellie did what she could anyway, restocking their fridge just like her own, restoring the weary furniture until it almost looked vintage. Shed paid for a flat renovation a decade ago and, staring vacantly at the faded wallpaper, wondered now if it was time for new paper, to sand the scuffed parquet. Odd, the things that come to mind when everything else is falling apart.

Mum, Ellies voice was hollow, Cant you see? Time is the one thing I havent got

They sat together for ages, not noticing the dusk, not hearing the phone buzz. Ellie wept, then composed herself, all the while silentwhat was the point in discussing the unavoidable? At last, she spoke, her face vague in the half-dark.

Thank you, Mum

For what, darling?

For listening. Theres no one elseno one whod want to hear it anyway

What are you on about? Of course we want to hear! Me, your dad, even Victor.

Not Victor. Not anymore.

Why not, love?

Because its my problem, not his. He hasnt time for it. He could still have kids.

Ellie stood, hugged her mother briefly, and gathered her things.

Ill manage, Mum. Dont worry. She blew a kiss, closed the door behind her, and Sylvia slumped onto a hall chair, exhausted and heartbroken. Why, oh why, this fate for her girl?

Ellie avoided going home, strolling instead along the embankment. The autumn wind bit sharply; few people were out. A couple of dog walkers and an elderly couple, muttering quietly, hurried by, collars pulled tight against the chill.

Ellie watched them go, then suddenly burst into tears again. Once shed dreamed of thatgrowing old together, understanding one another without words, sharing everything. None of that would happen now. And for the first time, Ellie admitted to herself something shed always postponed as shed postponed everything: shed loved Victor all along. Too late.

Gazing at the cold, dark Thames, she recalled Sunday walks with her parents, saving that one precious ice cream, whatever the season. For all those years, shed never even caught a sore throat, though she ate them in rain or frost. She wouldnt have such walks with her own children

She shook herselfenough pity. Nothing changes if you just sit and mope. Shed have to go on, find somethinganythingto keep living. For all her success, Ellie now saw that neither her career nor anything else could replace what was gone. She needed something more. What? She hadnt a clue yet. But there was something she had to settle nowVictors time was his own, hers was not.

Outside by her car, several teenagers loitered. Ellie looked aroundempty. Not a soul in sight. In that instant, anger and indifference flooded her.

Deep breath, hands in her coat pockets, she strode up. Whats going on here?

The scruffy ladssixteen at mostturned to her in a pack.

Is this your car, miss?

It is.

Theres something under the bonnet! Need it open! Got to get it out! They all chattered at once.

Hang onwhats under the bonnet? Ellie asked. One at a time.

The smallest, obviously the leader, spoke. Theres a kitten. We saw it climb up, maybe sitting on a wheel, maybe higher. We need to get it out before it gets hurt.

Ellies brow rose. Youre sure?

Yes, miss. We saw it! They crawl in to keep warm when its cold.

She pressed the fob to unlock and popped open the bonnet. Oh my God! she gasped as they pulled out a black-as-midnight kitten, yowling and squirming wildly.

Bites like mad! the leader laughed, handing the kitten over. Here you go!

Me? Ellie gingerly accepted the soot-black furball. What am I supposed to do with it? Ive never had a cat!

Youll sort it out. Just feed it, yeah?

They grinned, ready to be off, when Ellie remembered her mothers old habit.

Wait! She rummaged through her pocket and handed over a tenner. Mum always said you cant rescue an animal without giving a bit of money.

Cheers, miss! They waved their thanks and wandered off.

Ellie sat, eyeing the kitten curled on her lap, purring as if it had rather adopted her.

What am I going to do with you?

The kitten, already kneading mud-stained paws into her light coat, didnt answer, just purred louder.

Well, thats it then. Old woman and a cat Perfect Ellie started the engine and headed home.

Shed planned to speak with Victor in the morning, but the kitten occupied the entire evening.

Honestly, where did you pick up so many fleas? Dreadful! You little monster! How did I get talked into this? Ellie scrubbed at the squirmy creature in the sink, while Victor stood by, towel at the ready.

Strange, he murmured, most cats hate waterthis one doesnt seem to mind.

Hes purring away, you know. Like a tiny engine under my hands.

Ellie bundled the dripping kitten into the towel. Right. Feeding time!

Later, with the kitten snoozing next to her on the sofa, Victor asked, Well, then? Any news?

Ellie sighed deeply. It wouldve been simpler to leave it for the morning, but what was the point of putting it off?

Were getting divorced, Victor.

He stared. Well, thats a surprise. Why?

Because I wont have children. And thats on me. You can still have your family, but not with me. Theres time for you.

Victor watched her, as if truly seeing her for the first time.

So thats it? You think Im some automaton wholl just find another person at whim? Ellie, what is wrong with you? It doesnt matter to methe child thing. What matters is you, not some imaginary someone else. But clearly, you dont care because youve already decided for both of us.

He scooped up the yawning kitten. Ill sleep in the study tonight. Goodnight.

Ellie nodded silently, and as he slipped out, she stifled a sob. Her doubts gnawed at her. Sure, now he said that, but in a couple of yearsthen what?

Sleep eluded her. All night she weighed up her relationship, her choices, sure she was making the right call. Momentary gallantry could become years of regret. Victor would never say a wordhe was a good man.

Near morning, she curled up in the armchair, exhausted. When she woke, the flat was quiet, a blanket tucked around her, a note left on the table: Back tonightwell talk. Youre not leaving, not ever. I love you.

The kitten blinked up at her with enormous green eyes.

Well? Ellie groaned as she stretched. I need coffee. Want some?

She smiled for the first time in days, watching the eager kitten scuttle to the kitchen.

I see youre making yourself right at home

She set the kettle boiling and realised she felt lighterbecause of Victors note, or just the slow healing of time, she couldnt say. She didnt have hope yet, not really, but something in the air had changed.

She called work, took a sick day, booked herself a haircut and manicure, and went out.

The city was swamped in rain, streets almost flooded. Ellie was soaked by the time she reached her car, umbrella forgotten in her haste. She almost turned back, but made herself go onno more self-pity and tears.

The salon was behind schedule from the storm. Ellie sat, leafing through a random magazinepage after page of articles about motherhood and family. Smiling bitterly at the irony, she almost put it back, but something made her starea childs face, green eyes wide and searching. Blond angelic curls, maybe three or four years old. Something felt familiar, a tug she couldnt explain. She read the caption under the photo.

The stylist came to call her, but Ellie and the magazine were nowhere to be found.

Victor was surprised when Ellie burst into his office, radiating excitement and nerves.

Look at this! She thrust the open magazine at him.

He frowned. Whos this, Ellie?

I dont know, Victor. Its only got a name and age. But look! Justlook.

She dragged him to the mirror on the wall between their offices, holding the magazine beside his reflection.

See anyone familiar?

Victor stared at the child, then looked up to find the very same green eyeshislooking back at him from the mirror. Thirty years older.

Amazing Victor read the caption again. Are you sure?

Im sure of nothing! The magazines oldhis family might have found him already. I know nothing except I cant wait any longer. Not for anything.

They brought Samuel home from the childrens home after six months. Two years later, Ellie opened another magazine to find a little girl, and she became part of the family too. Marina was only eighteen months, and Ellie became her whole world. Five years on, when Ellie put her odd symptoms down to early menopause, her doctor announced another surprise.

Come off it, you cant be serious!

Julia arrived in due course, to the delight of the now much larger family.

Sylvia lived to meet her granddaughter, passing away a year after Julias birth, a slow illness claimed her strength but not her love for her grandchildren.

You are my joy my life lives on in you

Sorting her parents flat before moving her father in with them, Ellie found a box at the back of the closet. Opening it, she let out a cry that sent her children running.

Mum! Mum, are you alright? Samuel rushed to her side.

Ellie, clutching the old leather boots to her chest, weptreal, rolling tears, the kind she hadnt shed at her mothers funeral, or any time since. The pain finally eased as she wept.

Why are you crying, Mum? Marina crouched before her, trying to catch her gaze. When she couldnt, she hugged Ellie tightly. Julia, not to be left out, joined the tears; only Victor and Samuel remained calm.

Come on, now, enough of that. Ellie, whats happened?

The girls fell silent, looking to their dad. At once, they knew everything would be alright.

Oh, Vic She kept them, can you believe it? All this time those boots

Ellie pushed the boots aside and delved deeper into the wardrobe. There, carefully folded, lay her old bottom drawer. Shed refused to bring it to her first flatsaid it wouldnt suit the new décor. Yet her mother had preserved it, the lavender sachets tucked between sheets giving off a gentle scent even now. Underneath, fine linen, lace yellowed and embroidery faded but carefully kept, lay waitingfor what, no-one knew.

Vic Ellie looked at her husband. Why do we do this? Put life off save things for some day? That day might never come

Victor wrapped his arms around her. There was nothing to sayEllie was right.

Julia, twirling at her mothers knee, hugged Ellies leg, staring up with bright green eyes.

Mama!

Ellie froze, barely believing. Victor smiled and nodded, and Ellie knelt down.

Say it again?

Mama! Julia climbed into her lap, hugging her close. Mama

Samuel and Marina clapped with delight.

She did say Mama! Samuel winked at his dad. You lose, Dad!

Looks like were off to the zoo, then.

When? Marina jumped up and down.

Why wait till the weekend? Ellie pulled Marina close, snuggling her button nose. No need to put it off. Lets go today!

She glanced at the half-unpacked boxesthose could wait. She knew at last, some things are fine to postpone.

Driving through the rain, listening to the childrens laughter, Ellie wondered how one ever made their children truly happyif anyone ever did. But she was determined to teach them at least this: never put life off til tomorrow. Later is a fickle thing. Just when you think the moments come, everything changes, and you may not get the chance.

What about ice cream?

Now? Samuel frowned. Mum, weve not even had lunch!

Theres time. So?

Yes! The children cheered as Victor grinned.

You do spoil them, darling!

Well, darling, thats what parents are for! Why not, if not now?Victor caught her gaze as the rain beat harder on the windscreen; for a moment, there was just the hush within their cocoon, childrens chatter soft in the back. Ellie reached out and wrapped her hand around his. He squeezed once, strong and certain, and for the first time in years, she let herself breathe, truly breathe.

They parked by the riverside, umbrella forgotten once more, and dashed through puddlesboots old and new splashing in tandem. Ice cream cones dripped sticky down tiny hands and cheeks, despite Marinas stern warnings to be careful, Jules! Samuel hoisted Julia atop his shoulders, making her shriek with joy. Victor surprised them all by buying a fizzy blue slush, which the entire family passed round in turn, giggling at stained tongues and frozen teeth.

When the storm broke at last into sunlight, they wandered the zoo paths, Ellies pockets now full of ticket stubs, wrappers, and the small shell Julia pressed into her palm. By the flamingo pond, Victor pulled them all in for a lopsided photoa moment seared into Ellies memory brighter than any graduation, promotion, or glint of new shoes under shop lights.

Ellie watched her children race ahead, hair wild and faces flushed with life. Their laughter rose, cutting through everything that had weighed her down for so long. She leaned into Victor as he slipped his arm around her waist.

Do you remember the last time we watched the sun come out after the rain? he asked softly.

She nodded. I do. But I think today is the first time Ive felt it warm my heart in years.

They stood together, sun sparkling through silver drops on green leaves. Julia ran back, muddy and bright, flinging her arms around Ellie. In that tangled, imperfect embrace, Ellie finally understood: life wasnt waiting in some distant, carefully saved future. It was heremessy, loud, sudden as a storm, sweet as melting chocolate in a childs hand.

Beneath the soft shelter of her husbands arm, and the weight of Julias sleepy head on her shoulder, Ellie shut her eyes and let herself be carried by joy, all the old longing dissolving into laughter.

Tomorrow would come, and its sorrows and doubts along with it. But today, at last, was wholly hersand that, she promised herself, was enough.