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Лист, якому судилося з’явитися: “Я все ще твій син, мамо

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Я все ще твій син, мамо: лист, який я не зміг не написати

Мамо, ти, напевно, інколи сидиш на кухні сама, перебираючи старі листівки з побажаннями, де всі радіють моїй появі на світ. Де посміхаються люди, більшість з яких давно пішли з нашого життя. Ти зберігаєш мої дитячі пелюшки, шматочок першого молочного зуба, пасмо світлого волосся — ніби намагаєшся повернути той час, коли я був зовсім крихітним. Жоден альбом не здатний повернути минуле. Але ти продовжуєш берегти це — як найдорожчий скарб. Бо я — твій син.

Я виріс. Мені вже за тридцять, у мене є дружина, робота, квартира й обов’язків на ціле життя. Але знаєш, мамо? Я все рівно твій. Той самий хлопчик, що приходив додому з обдертими колінами, з двійкою з математики, з мокрими від сліз очима. Ти тоді не розпитувала — просто обіймала. І я знав: може, завтра мене й покарають за провини, але сьогодні — просто люблять. Без умов.

Хотілося б, щоб ти знала — я все той самий. Просто тепер ношу краватку, сплачую рахунки й надто рідко дзвоню. Не через забуття. Через сором бути втомленим, слабким, недосконалим. Та коли особливо важко, я повертаюся думками в наш дім, де пахне паляницями, а твій голос додає: «Головне — ти вдома, решта налагодиться».

Пам’ятаєш, як у шостому класі ти дістала з шафи сіре пальто в коричневу клітку? Воно було «на виріст», але тоді саме впору. А я влаштував істерику, бо вважав, що виглядаю смішно. Тепер у мене таке саме — тільки від відомого бренду, обране стилістом, коштує, мабуть, як колись усі наші меблі. Але в ньому я — все той самий хлопчик. Твій.

Наше дитинство, мамо, — не просто спогади. Це мій фундамент. Те, що робить мене собою. А ти — єдина, хто пройшов усю цю путь зі мною. Ти знаєш, як я гарячкував уночі, боявся темряви, ховався під стіл, коли собака померла. Ти — єдина, хто прожив усе поруч. Тому я й досі твій син.

Інколи я так виснажений, мамо… Світ вимагає бути найкращим: працювати більше, заробляти, встигати. Розслабишся — втратиш клієнтів, повагу, себе. А вдома… вдома тепер мушу бути ідеальним. Чоловіком, батьком, опорою. І лише одне місце дозволяє мені бути просто людиною. Твій дім.

Ти не докоряєш, не питаєш: «Чому не справляєшся?» Ти вариш чай, кладеш руку на плече й шепчеш: «Відпочинь…» Тут я не мушу грати роль. Можу бути собою. Слабким. І це значить, що я все ще твій син.

У цьому світі так мало певнощів, мамо. Все може розсипатися: бізнес-партнери зрадять, друзі віддаляться, дружина втомиться, діти виростуть. Але ти — як кам’яна гора. Фундамент, на якому тримається моє життя. Ти — єдина, чия любов ніколи не викликала сумнівів. Навіть коли я зливися, хлопав дверима, мовчав тижнями.

Твоя любов — не акція «купи-отримай», не обіцянка. Вона — як світло у вікні. Воно просто є. Воно витримало час і мій складний характер. Вистояло. І це — найміцніша опора, яку я коли-небудь мав.

Мамо, я кохаю одну жінку. Вона — моя дружина. Ти спочатку не розуміла її, сумнівалася: «Що вас пов’язує?» Але знай — вона схожа на тебе. Вона зберігає перші малюнки наших дітей, записує їхні смішні слова, гріє нас своєю добротою. Вона чекає наших дітей такими, як ти чекала мене: подряпаними, з поганими оцінками, у сльозах — але своїми. З любов’ю.

Дивлюся на неї — і менше боюся за майбутнє. Згадую тебе — і менше боюся за себе. Бо я виріс у любові, а тепер передаю її далі. І в цьому — весь сенс.

Мамо, дякую тобі. За кожен збережений панчішок, за безсонні ночі, за кожне «нічого, подолаємо». За те, що, незважаючи ні на що… я все ще твій син. І залишуся ним назавжди.

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