Mummy

Mum

Oy, furry fella! Who do you belong to, then? Ellie paused outside her door, eyeing the big ginger tomcat perched on her doormat.

The cat, of course, didnt reply. He didnt even flinch at Ellies presence, just flicked his ragged ear as if to say, Yeah, I hear you, but dont get your hopes up for an answer.

Suit yourself! Ellie huffed, digging through her handbag for her keys.

The tomcat shuffled over slightly on the mat as though he understood what she was up to, but he wouldnt budge, keeping a close, unblinking watch on Ellie as she fumbled with the lock.

She and her husband, James, had only bought this flat a couple of months back. Tiny thing, just two small rooms, but for them, it was the dream. Some people might say you should never settle for a poky place in an old council block, that you should aim higher. And maybe theyd be right, but Ellie and James would have just laughed out loud at anyone who said it. Only half a year ago, theyd never imagined theyd get a place of their own. Theyd been holed up in her grandfathers little box room above a dodgy takeaway, and just having a bit of privacy felt a proper treat.

Ellie, just mind you dont argue with the neighbours! Jamess mum, Margaret, had been scrubbing down the bedroom with her before the wedding. Theyre nice enough, love, even if they do overdo it on the cider.

How can they be nice if theyre always drunk? Ellie had snorted, wringing out a cloth and pushing her curly fringe out of her face.

Her wild mane of hair was Jamess favourite thing about her but, honestly, it was a nightmare when she was cleaning. No matter how she pinned it back, loose curls would spring out and make her look like a dandelion clock gone berserk.

Its complicated, Margaret shook her head. Lifes thrown more at them than most could handle, and not everyone finds the right way to get through it.

Ellie could understand that. Shed grown up in foster care, after all, dumped when her foster parents moved on to the next set of fresh faces as soon as she hit eighteen. She knew all too well how easily adults could feel sorry for themselves and forget about the ones who relied on them.

Ellies mum left her when she was just three. Shed stuck her on a bench at Paddington Station, left a note in her pocket and a battered bunny rabbit in her hands. Ellie sat, just as Mum had told her, clutching the one-eared bunnyBaxtercrying quietly, desperate for the loo, but she was sure if she moved, Mum would come back and go mad at her. So she stayed put, squirming, keeping her eyes fixed on the door.

Of course, Mum never came back. But after a while, a tall man in police uniform did. He tried talking to her, but Ellie clammed up, shaking her head. She wasnt even crying anymorejust cold, drenched and starving while this copper kept asking questions that made no sense. It was only when he tapped Baxters one remaining ear and asked, Whats your bunny called? that Ellie opened up a crack.

Baxter shed whispered.

He stroked the bunny, then her head, and asked, Has Mummy been gone long?

That was it. Ellie couldnt hold back any longer. She sobbed so loudly the whole waiting room stopped and stared, and the policeman called his colleague on his radio. Loads of people were waiting for their trains, but none of them had bothered to check on the little girl sitting alone for hours.

Ellie only found out why her mum left her years later, when one day this strange woman appeared outside her school just before the end of sixth form, waving her arms and crying out, Darling! Ive found you! Give your mum a cuddle! Ive missed you so much!

By then, Ellie was living in a foster family. There were six other kids, all ages and sizes. No one ever went hungry or wore tatty clothes, and everyone had a club to go to after school. But they all knew the ruleonce you turned eighteen, you were out, and someone new would take your place.

Still, they didnt do hugs. Or love, really. Her foster parents thought warmth was a bit much if you already provided food and a roof. So the day her birth mum tried to hug her, Ellie didnt run towards her. She wanted to, desperately, but she didnt.

Its odd, really, to admit it, but at night, when the house was finally quiet, shed lie in bed staring at the ceiling, hugging battered old Baxter and dreaming about a proper mumone whod come and take her home for good. It hardly seems fair for a girls only family to be a stuffed bunny, does it?

So, yeah, Ellie dreamed Mum would come back one day, scoop her up, say she loved her see, she didnt really know what being loved by a mum felt like, but watching her friends, she reckoned it must be something special.

But when the day finally came, when her mum did show up outside the school gate, calling and crying, Ellie didnt believe a single tearthe feeling was so strong, not even for a second, that she felt sorry for turning away.

People used to tell Ellie she couldn’t really remember that station bench, that she was far too small. Eventually, she stopped arguing, but she never stopped thinking about it. Even if it was just snatches and flashes, she knewshe knewshed been left in that noisy, busy, frightening station.

One of her ‘sisters’ in foster care, Natalie, was in the same year at school. When Ellie shrank away from the woman trying to hug her, Natalie stepped in.

Whos that, Ellie? Natalie stood in front of her like a shield.

No idea Ellie replied, brain spinning, barely able to stand straight.

Excuse me, miss, youve got the wrong girl! Off you go, this is my sister! Natalie grabbed Ellie, dragged her off school premises, calling, Ill tell our foster mum about you! Leave us alone!

Ellie, who usually argued with Natalie over everything, squeezed her hand gratefully. That afternoon, they walked home together, hand in hand. Their foster mum raised her eyebrows and the girls shrugged in unison: What?!

From then on, Ellie had a sister.

Natalie had it no betterher dad had left, just the same. Turns out, she also just wanted someone to be close to, even if it wasnt her real family.

Ellie did end up talking to her mum, in the end. Each day for a week, this woman turned up outside the school, but she stopped with the desperate hugs, just waiting quietly and asking, Talk to me, darling.

The word darling got right on Ellies nerves, but Natalie just shrugged.

Let her call you what she wants. They’re only words.

Natalie was the one who convinced Ellie to ask her mum for the truth.

Youve got nothing to lose. At least youll know why she left you. Go onask her! Demand an answer! You might never get another chance. Maybe youll stop blaming yourself.

How do you know I blame myself? Ellies mouth dropped open.

Please! We all do. We all wish we were different, so theyd have kept us.

You too?

Me too.

Youve never told anyone that

Neither have you, Natalie said softly. You dont talk about it. You just cry. I do, too, but Ill stop soon. Its time to grow up.

The conversation with her mum didnt fix anything, truth be told.

You left me.

Im sorry, darling!

Dont call me that! Its doing my head in!

Alright, alright, I wont! Dont be cross

Why did you do it?

It was hard. No help, no support. Your dad threw me out.

Why?

I told him you werent his.

Is that true?

No.

So why say it?

I was angry. We argued a lot. Young and stupid. Then we split.

And afterwards?

Argued with my mum and decided to go. But where could I go with a child? So I left you. I knew someone would look after you. I left a note, didnt I? Said Id come back

And you thought that bit of paper made it OK? What sort of person are you?

I know! Im sorry If youll let me put it right

What are you going to put right? Will you give me back those years I spent alone? Sorry, youre strange! I dont want to see you again! Dont come back!

So youll never forgive me?

I dont know. Even if I do, I wont forget! Do you get that? I just cant!

Whats there to remember? You were tiny! You surely dont remember!

Ellie got up and left. That was the moment she decided shed never let anyone again tell her what she could or couldnt remember or feel.

Natalie understood.

Your life, your choice. If you think its right, dont regret it. Move on.

Natalie, youre so wise

Not really. But maybe Ill get there. I want to learn!

What do you want to be?

A psychologist. Maybe then Ill finally know how to live properly.

Years later, Natalie married and had her first daughter. She and Ellie had a laugh about that old line.

Its all rubbish! Natalie confessed, changing her baby expertly. No one knows how to live right. Not me, not you, not anybody.

So what are we supposed to do, then, Nat?

Just get on with life! Be happy, make your people feel loved and safe so others dont watch your life like its a soap opera.

Youre doing alright.

Im trying! Natalie grinned, wrapping up her little one.

Watching Natalie made Ellie more tolerant of her own problems.

Cramped room in a shared flat? At least it was central, and handy for work. A bit of DIY and life didnt feel too shabby. Margaret, her mother-in-law, turned out to be rightthe neighbours werent all that bad. Yeah, they drank to numb their pain, but they were quiet. Nobody bothered them. Sympathy, maybe, was what they deserved.

That wasnt easy for Ellie. No oned ever really felt sorry for her, not even her foster mums and dads. Only Natalie.

But Margaret and Ellies granddad helped her change that.

Margaret was the sort of woman you noticed: loud voice, big presence, always trying to make things better for her family. It was heroic, as Natalie jokingly put it, the way Margaret treated Ellie like her own.

Dont get your hopes up too much,” Natalie said, as she prepped Ellie for her first in-law dinner. “Youre not really a catch, you know. Orphan, no house, no nothing. Still no council house for you.

But I made it on the list! Got my number and everything!

Oh, please. That lists just a piece of paper. By the time they get to you, pigs will be flying. Dont count on it. Best keep it to yourselfdont go telling Jamess mum. Just in case.

Why?

Wait till you actually get it. Then you can brag.

Fair enough

And dont expect anything from Margaretbut dont go all hedgehog on her, either.

Im not stupid, Nat!

I know, I know. Just saying, she doesnt have to like you just because James does. Give her time. And give yourself time too.

Which Ellie had already figured out.

At first, she found Margaret too muchtoo loud, too big-hearted, too insistent on making everything better. Ellie was used to handling care from James, but in small doses; Margarets attempts to do good got on her nerves.

Ellie, my coats gone threadbare. Would you come with me to the shopping centre? Help me pick out a new one? James just hates shopping, you know, and I always end up sprinting out with whatever fits, but its so hard to find something flattering at my age

Ellie agreed reluctantly, only to find herself carting home bags of thingsmost of them, it turned out, were for her. Margaret would spot her looking at a bag in a shop and practically drag her in. Ellie left with a new coat, boots, or a bag shed never have even dreamed of buying for herself.

It was odd, the way Margaret doted on her. Who was Ellie to her, after all? Just her soon-to-be daughter-in-law, nothing more. No fairy tales here about mothers-in-law welcoming daughters as their own. Ellie kept her distance, polite but never fully open.

Margaret, to her credit, seemed to get it and stopped pushing. When Ellie mentioned she and James wanted a place of their own, Margaret took it in stride.

Granddads a bit frail now, he could do with some proper care. Lets figure out how to move him in with me, and James, your room can go to Granddad.

And us?

Youll swaplive in Granddads flat. You two are young, you can cope on your own a while. And hell have someone to look after him.

Granddad used to smirk at these plans and joke, and once they swapped homes, hed be up at dawn, nagging his daughter for a jog round the park and an icy wash down afterwards.

Do you think I did the right thing, Dad? Margaret once asked, shuffling out under protest.

Course you did! Let em get on with life. Dont interfere unless they ask for it.

But what about Ellie? She turned up here in next to nothing.

Thats different. You get to play Mum as much as you want there. Just take it gentlyshes got plenty of pride, our Ellie. Don’t put her off.

Margaret listened. She visited when invited, rarely gave advice, and kept reminding herself how tricky shed found it starting out herself. Her own mother-in-law (Jamess gran) had only helped her after James was born. Before that, it had been shouting matches all round. But with a grandchild in the picture, everyone softened.

Youre a mum now, her mother-in-law said, as Margarets hands trembled trying to wrap her baby boy. Whatre you afraid of?

What if I mess up? What if I hurt him? Hes so tiny…

Nonsense! Nobody knows what theyre doing with their first. Youll learn as you go, everyone does. Remember this: a mum never hurts her child its impossible. Just hold him, listen to your instincts, and Ill help you where I can.

Thank you…

Nothing to thank! I was just as lostmy mum helped me. Thats how it works!

James never remembered his gran or granddad muchhe was only a year old when they diedbut Margaret never stopped telling him, You were so loved! Granddad waited years for a grandson, bought you more footballs than a Premier League shop!

Mum, why did everything have to go so wrong? Dad was a good driver, wasnt he?

I dont know, love. It was terribly foggy that day. He was driving Gran to see her sister who was ill You cant just say no! Not to family! And that lorry well, sometimes theres no explanation.

Do you miss him?

Terribly. You and Granddad kept me goingotherwise Id have fallen to pieces. I loved your dad, James.

And he loved you?

Oh, he did. No doubt.

How did you know you two were in love and not just together out of, yknow, convenience?

Convenience? What do you mean?

Well, loads of people nowthey just live together cause its easier. Split the bills, share the chores… Loves sort of an afterthought, isnt it?

Not for me. Never was, never will be. I know Im out of date, but living as partnersits not about convenience for me. What about you?

I want the same as you had, mum. Proper love. To get married because I want to share my life, not because I have to I want to be loved, too.

You will be. Dont rush. When you meet the right girl, youll know. Trust me!

Maybe thats why, when James brought Ellie home, Margaret didnt make a fuss, even if things were awkward at first. In time, Ellies defences slipped, and she started seeing Margaret almost as a friend.

When Granddad first suggested selling the old box room, Ellie was gutted.

Whats the long face for? Granddad asked, sorting through the paperwork while Ellie helped. Worried youll have nowhere to go?

No! Were grown-ups, well cope. Get a rented room or flat. Depends what we can affordJames just started a new job and I only earn enough for, well, probably another box room like this.

And whats wrong with that?

Nothing. If I had the money, Id buy this place off you. But thats just a daydream. Weve saved a bittiny, really, but Nat says even a little money makes you feel safer about the future. Shes right. Well get there, in our own time.

Good on you for thinking that way! Granddad grinned.

I said something funny?

He just ruffled her cheek. Put the kettle on, lets natter. Not much fun left for us oldies except a good gossip and a nice cuppa. Whats uphas Margaret been getting on your nerves?

No! You mustnt think that! Shes never been mean to me!

Relax, love, youve gone crimson! Im only teasing!

But why do you say it?

Well, fairy tales have evil mothers-in-law, right? Dont tell me youve never heard those horror stories

Ignore them! Not all grannies are monsters. Definitely not mine. You know that!

I do. I know she thinks of you as a daughtermaybe even more than she lets on.

She doesnt have to pity me, though! Im not broken!

Oh? Is it so terrible if someone feels for you?

It is, kind of.

Then perhaps I should stop visiting you lot!

What? Why?!

I come round because I thought you felt for me, too! If thats bad, then whats the point?

I dont get it! Pitys a bad thing isnt it?

Depends what you mean by it. Once, in England, to pity sometimes just meant to deeply careor even to love in a way. If someones ill, do they need love with poems and roses, or do they just want you near, caring for them?

Probably the second

Exactly! And if someones hurting inside, what do you do?

Be there for them?

Spot on! But, you know, pity isnt always good for everyone.

How do you mean?

Well, if your husbands a drunken rogue and you go easy on him for years out of sympathy, no one gains in the end. Or if your kids in the wrong and you always spare them troubleyou do them no favours. Pity carefully, Ellie.

I do care about you, Granddad

I know! And thats lovely, because you care not just because Im old, but because you like me, right?

I do!

And I like caring about you, too.

Thank you But who should we really care for?

Anyone your heart tells you, love. Family, friends, your husband, your pets Just dont do it half-heartedly! Feeding a stray cat once from the corner shop is nice, sure, but if you give it a homethat means something. And that kindness always finds its way back to you.

That memory came back to Ellie now, as she stared at the ginger tom outside her doorthe cat waiting to be let in. The tom didnt flinch as she patted him, and when she tempted him inside, he suddenly bolted up the stairs, leaving her puzzled.

Oh fine, dont mind me Ellie muttered, about to lock up, when the ginger cat trotted back down, this time with a tiny kitten dangling from his mouth.

Blimey! Ellie gasped, cupping the squeaking bundle. But the tom dashed off again.

A minute later, he was dragging a second kitten downjust as ginger, but a real troublemaker. The little one wriggled so much the tom kept dropping him, but he never gave up, carefully delivering all his kittens to Ellies feet.

Well! Youre quite the mum, arent you? Ellie said, scooping up the stragglers. She opened the door wider. Coming in, then? Brought the whole troop? Or is there more upstairs?

Tentatively, the tomcat tiptoed inside, glancing back to check that Ellie was still cradling the kittens.

Come on in, I promise youre safe here! Wheres their mum? Ellie wondered aloud, but the tom didnt respond. He just got on with the practicalitiespicking up a kitten, nosing about, teaching it where the litter tray was.

Honestly! You really are like a mother hen! Ellie laughed, clapping her hand over her mouth so as not to scare the little ones. Sorry. Right! Lets see what Ive got in the fridge to feed you lot.

The tom made it clear he supported this plan, so Ellie headed off to the kitchen.

Later that evening, she called a family meeting.

Margaret, if you say no, Ill try and find homes for them, but I cant chuck them outtheyre tiny. Ive no idea what happened to their mum or why this big fella is looking after them, but its really something.

Ellie, why are you asking me for permission? Margaret said, stroking one of the kittens curled up on her lap. Its your flatyours and Jamess. Its up to you. And if you ask me, you already know the answer. Now, tell me, what did you feed them?

Milk. Lucky they can lap it up on their own already.

Im taking this one. When its older, mind! As for the rest

Ill find someone to take a kitten, but I think I want to keep the tom. Hes got a lot to teach me!

Like what, exactly? Margaret raised an eyebrow.

James just grinned, nodded towards Ellie, and let her drop their newsthe one theyd kept secret all week, waiting for Margarets birthday.

How to be a good mum Now Ive got two teachershim and you.

Ellie ruffled the tomcats ear. She couldnt help herself; when Margaret pulled her in for a hug, she burst into grateful tears.