З життя
Нещодавно перетнула поріг квартири в центрі, що здали після смерті власниці.
В нещодавньому часі я потрапила в квартиру в центрі Києва, яку здали одразу після смерті власниці. Велика запущена квартира з окремим службовим входом. Нові власники — дуже далекі і, ймовірно, дуже жадібні родичі. Вони нічого не вивезли, не прибрали, не намагалися зберегти. І жити в такій атмосфері було дивно — без дозволу торкатися всього, наче господиня вийшла до магазину за хлібом.
Спершу здавалося, що хтось повернеться, побачить мене і скаже суворим голосом: що це ви тут робите? Але ні, ніхто не прийшов. Біля телевізора лежав рулон муліне. Ґудзики в вазочці. Чеські різнокольорові келихи, красиві, але постійно в користуванні — з них явно часто пили вино. За склом фотографія дівчинки в мантії і шапочці з китичкою. У коморі акуратно упаковані зимові пальта і чоботи типу боти. У всіх кімнатах свіжі календарі — перекидні, відривні, настінні, якась просто одержимість. Тут уважно стежили за часом. На кухні в шафці недопиті вітаміни «Коралового клубу». Тут збиралися жити довго і зручно. Ліків ніяких — ніхто не хворів.
Хазяйка жила сама в трьох кімнатах. У ванній різні шампуні для кошенят. Скрізь відчувається сильний котячий дух. Коти тут були на королівських правах, і, мабуть, їх усіх витурили разом з труною. А ще прекрасна бібліотека. Не декоративна, де сторінки склеєні, а книги підібрані за кольором і висотою. А така жива, читана, очевидно все життя поповнювана бібліотека, для задоволення, без снобізму. І альбоми Філонова, і китайська філософія, і Чейз з Устіновою.
А ще багато-багато книг про дідуся власниці квартири. Товстенні-претовстенні, набагато товщі Біблії. На кількох мовах. Усі про його світову комуністичну значимість, його геній і вдячність народів за його вчинки. Ось я прийшла з вулиці, і якби був камін, могла б підтримувати вогонь за допомогою цієї макулатури. Тоді від неї була б хоч якась користь.
Що залишилося від цієї людини? Київська квартира, яку здаючи, далекі родичі можуть більше не працювати.
Здається, можна померти в будь-який момент, і все, що було тобі дороге, вже нікому не буде потрібне. Так, є діти, але і їм нічого мого не треба. У них буде своє. Господи, все, що є в нашому житті матеріального — все це такі дрібниці, такі смішні й незначні речі. Та й ми самі…
Виявилося, що досі в мене була надія на безсмертя)
А тепер я ніколи не буду нічого накопичувати, облаштовувати і думати про потім. Життя неможливо облаштувати раз і назавжди, його можна тільки продовжувати день за днем.
А накопичувати — тільки враження, жити тільки зараз — щоб було що згадати, коли вже нічого не буде відбуватися. Мені показали, що буває ПОТІМ. Нічого. Просто приходять чужі люди, топчуть твої сліди і варять каву у твоїй турці.
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