З життя
Нещодавно перетнула поріг квартири в центрі, що здали після смерті власниці.
В нещодавньому часі я потрапила в квартиру в центрі Києва, яку здали одразу після смерті власниці. Велика запущена квартира з окремим службовим входом. Нові власники — дуже далекі і, ймовірно, дуже жадібні родичі. Вони нічого не вивезли, не прибрали, не намагалися зберегти. І жити в такій атмосфері було дивно — без дозволу торкатися всього, наче господиня вийшла до магазину за хлібом.
Спершу здавалося, що хтось повернеться, побачить мене і скаже суворим голосом: що це ви тут робите? Але ні, ніхто не прийшов. Біля телевізора лежав рулон муліне. Ґудзики в вазочці. Чеські різнокольорові келихи, красиві, але постійно в користуванні — з них явно часто пили вино. За склом фотографія дівчинки в мантії і шапочці з китичкою. У коморі акуратно упаковані зимові пальта і чоботи типу боти. У всіх кімнатах свіжі календарі — перекидні, відривні, настінні, якась просто одержимість. Тут уважно стежили за часом. На кухні в шафці недопиті вітаміни «Коралового клубу». Тут збиралися жити довго і зручно. Ліків ніяких — ніхто не хворів.
Хазяйка жила сама в трьох кімнатах. У ванній різні шампуні для кошенят. Скрізь відчувається сильний котячий дух. Коти тут були на королівських правах, і, мабуть, їх усіх витурили разом з труною. А ще прекрасна бібліотека. Не декоративна, де сторінки склеєні, а книги підібрані за кольором і висотою. А така жива, читана, очевидно все життя поповнювана бібліотека, для задоволення, без снобізму. І альбоми Філонова, і китайська філософія, і Чейз з Устіновою.
А ще багато-багато книг про дідуся власниці квартири. Товстенні-претовстенні, набагато товщі Біблії. На кількох мовах. Усі про його світову комуністичну значимість, його геній і вдячність народів за його вчинки. Ось я прийшла з вулиці, і якби був камін, могла б підтримувати вогонь за допомогою цієї макулатури. Тоді від неї була б хоч якась користь.
Що залишилося від цієї людини? Київська квартира, яку здаючи, далекі родичі можуть більше не працювати.
Здається, можна померти в будь-який момент, і все, що було тобі дороге, вже нікому не буде потрібне. Так, є діти, але і їм нічого мого не треба. У них буде своє. Господи, все, що є в нашому житті матеріального — все це такі дрібниці, такі смішні й незначні речі. Та й ми самі…
Виявилося, що досі в мене була надія на безсмертя)
А тепер я ніколи не буду нічого накопичувати, облаштовувати і думати про потім. Життя неможливо облаштувати раз і назавжди, його можна тільки продовжувати день за днем.
А накопичувати — тільки враження, жити тільки зараз — щоб було що згадати, коли вже нічого не буде відбуватися. Мені показали, що буває ПОТІМ. Нічого. Просто приходять чужі люди, топчуть твої сліди і варять каву у твоїй турці.
A Silent New Year’s Eve
New Years hush November drifted in, drab and drizzly, the kind of grey that seeps into your bones. Each day...
Mother-in-law Helped Herself to My Gourmet Foods from the Fridge—Stuffing Them All into Her Bag Before Saying Goodbye
The mother-in-law slipped the delicacies from my fridge into her handbag before heading home. “Are you sure we need all...
My Husband Invited His Ex-Wife Over for the Sake of the Children—So I Celebrated My Freedom in a Hotel Instead
Husband invited his ex-wife for the kids, so I spent the celebration at a hotel Where are you planning to...
My Husband Compared Me to His Friend’s Wife at the Dinner Table—And Ended Up with a Bowl of Salad in His Lap
“You’ve brought out this dinner set again? I told you I wanted the fancy one with the gold rim, the...
Yesterday: The Feast, the Critique, and the Great Brotherly Showdown Over Galina’s Handmade Roast and Her Patiently Worn Apron in a London Flat
Yesterday “Where are you putting that salad bowl? Youre blocking the cold cuts! And move the glasses, would you? Olivers...
My Husband Compared Me to His Friend’s Wife at the Dinner Table—And Ended Up with a Bowl of Salad in His Lap
“You’ve brought out this dinner set again? I told you I wanted the fancy one with the gold rim, the...
Why Does It Matter Who Looked After Gran? By Law, That Flat Should Be Mine! — My Mum Argues With Me Over My Grandmother’s Home My Own Mother is Threatening to Sue Me — All Because My Gran’s Flat Went Not to Her, or Even to Me, But to My Daughter. Mum Claims It’s Unfair, Insists the Flat Should Be Hers. But Gran Made a Different Choice. Why? Perhaps Because My Husband and I Lived With Her and Cared for Her Those Last Five Years. You Could Easily Call My Mum Selfish — Her Needs Were Always Far More Important Than Anyone Else’s. Mum’s Been Married Three Times, But Only Had Two Daughters: My Younger Sister and Me. We Get On Brilliantly, But Neither of Us Has a Great Relationship With Mum. I Don’t Even Remember My Dad — He Split From Mum When I Was Two. Up Until I Was Six, I Lived With Mum at Gran’s. For Some Reason, I Thought Gran Was Awful — Probably Because Mum Was Always Crying. Only When I Grew Up Did I Understand: Gran Was Good, She Just Wanted to Help Her Daughter Make a Better Life. Later, Mum Married Again and We All Moved In With My Stepfather. That’s When My Sister Was Born. But After Seven Years, Mum Got Divorced Again. This Time, We Didn’t Go Back to Gran’s. Stepfather Went Off to Work and Let Us Stay in His Flat for a Bit. Three Years Later, Mum Married Husband Number Three and We Moved In With Him. He Wasn’t Pleased Mum Had Children, Though He Never Hurt Us — He Just Ignored Us. So Did Mum. She Was Obsessed With Her New Husband, Always Jealous, Always Causing Rows and Breaking Crockery. Once a Month Mum Would Start Packing, But Stepfather Always Talked Her Round. My Sister and I Got Used to It and Stopped Noticing. I Ended Up Looking After My Sister — Mum Didn’t Have the Time. Thank Goodness for Our Grandmothers, Who Helped Us So Much. Eventually, I Left for University, and My Sister Moved In With Gran. Our Dad Always Supported Her; Mum Would Call Us Only at Christmas. I Accepted Mum For Who She Was and Stopped Expecting Her to Care, But My Sister Never Did. She Was Always Hurt, Especially When Mum Skipped Her School Leavers’ Party. We Grew Up. My Sister Got Married and Moved Away. I Was Living With My Long-Term Boyfriend; We Visited Gran Often and Stayed Close, Though I Tried Not to Be a Nuisance. When Gran Fell Ill and Went Into Hospital, I Visited Every Day: Shopping, Cooking, Cleaning, Chatting, Making Sure She Took Her Medicine. Sometimes My Boyfriend Helped Out Too. After Six Months, Gran Suggested We Move In to Save for Our Own Place, So We Did. Six Months Later, I Was Pregnant. We Got Married, Had a Simple Family Do — Mum Didn’t Come, Not Even a Phone Call. When My Daughter Was Two Months Old, Gran Broke Her Leg. Caring for Both Was Hard and I Desperately Needed Mum’s Help, But She Refused, Saying She Wasn’t Well and Would Come Later. She Never Did. Six Months On, Gran Had a Stroke and Was Bedridden. If Not for My Husband, I Don’t Know How I’d Have Coped. Gran Slowly Improved, She Even Got to See Her Great-Granddaughter Take Her First Steps, and Lived Another Two-and-a-Half Years. She Passed Away Peacefully in Her Sleep. My Husband and I Were Devastated By Her Loss. Mum Only Came for the Funeral. A Month Later, She Tried to Evict Me So She Could Have the Flat. Mum Hadn’t Realised Gran Had Left It to My Daughter Right After She Was Born. Naturally Mum Was Furious, Demanding I Give Up the Flat or She’d Sue Me. “Look How Deceitful You Are! You Duped the Old Woman, Took Her Flat, And Now You Live In It Yourself! You Won’t Get Away With This! It Doesn’t Matter Who Looked After Gran — That Flat Should Be Mine!” But Mum Won’t Get That Flat, I Know That for Certain. I’ve Spoken to a Solicitor and a Notary. We’ll Stay in the Home Gran Gave Us, and If Our Second Child Is a Girl, She’ll Be Named After Gran.
What matter is it who cared for Grandmother? By rights, the house ought to be mine! My mothers voice, strident...
Relatives Demanded My Bedroom for the Holidays and Left Empty-Handed: How I Refused Pushy Family, Set Boundaries, and Saved My Peace of Mind in London
Where on earth am I supposed to put this massive bowl of jellied beef? Theres no space at all in...