Raindrops

Raindrops

Shes not scary at all! Shes beautiful! Michael, tell them!

Sasha clutched a scruffy, rail-thin cat to her chest, tears streaming down her cheeks so vociferously that the neighbours standing around her put their hands over their ears.

Sashafull-throated and determined, much like everyone in her sprawling familyhad a knack for getting her point across. If not eloquently, then certainly loudly. At five, no one in the estate could squeal as piercingly as she did; her voice made windows tremble.

Everyone in their old converted Victorian house had grown used to Sasha and her many siblings over the years. No one really blinked at their boisterous antics anymore, realising that Jane, their mother, could hardly keep so many children in line. Jane worked a schedule that wouldve finished off most peoplenever mind maintaining order in her chaotic brood. Sometimes, neighbours joked she deserved to hang, limp and exhausted, over the estates ornate iron fencea fence the entire building took pride in and painted afresh every spring. Jane painted it with the rest of them and, if anyone had earned the right to lean on it, it was her.

But Jane herself never claimed that privilege. Shed simply sigh and say, Were all workhorses, arent we? Big, clever, beautiful shire horses. And who else is going to pull your cart but you? No one will lift your burdens for you. All by your own effort! I suppose Im the immortal pony, always galloping round and round, not always knowing my destinationoh, I figured out why long ago, but never the where. Someone always nudges you along, and all you can do is nose the tail of the horse in front and dream of the evening, when the children are in bedfed, clean, and happy. When the kitchen sink is empty of dirty dishes because someones already washed up. Strange, isnt it, how such emptiness can mean happiness?

Jane was philosophical and maintained a natural beautythough, with six children of varying sizes and almost no support, no one ever seemed to notice. Shed long given up on love life. Life, she felt, was busy enough without it.

Being a mother to six is no walk in the park!

Not that anyone held it against her; everyone knew Janes family history too well.

Sasha, along with three of Janes other children, were adopted. Not from a care home or foster system by an angelic rescuer. Could Jane have done that? Maybethough not alone, and not in those difficult years. She had her own dreams. The thought of becoming a single mother to half a dozen kids? Impossibleeven in a nightmare.

But life, as always, makes its own plans. It hands out trials of faith, character, and heart without ever stopping to ask your opinion.

Here you godeal with it. Decide who you really are.

Jane had to think and decide, though, from the beginning, she knew exactly what shed choose.

All the children Jane raised were her inheritance.

And as with all inheritancesyou either accept them, or you dont. For Jane, refusing simply wasnt an option. She herself hadnt been abandoned. Why should she leave behind those who had nothing else? Especially when they were, by blood and heart, her own.

She didnt have to justify her reasons to anyonefor her, they were enough.

Jane was a child of the 1990s.

Her mother had once been a local beauty queen in a small English town, envied by every girl in the neighbourhood. As soon as she turned eighteen, she was married, the wedding dress so lovely it made others sigh with longing. Her husband was well-connectedthe kind of man whose dealings were best left unexamined.

Jane couldnt remember her parents at all.

Her trips to see them were with her granny, to the local churchyard. There, a gravestone with their photos stood. Little Jane would run her finger over the images and, whispering so her grandmother wouldnt hear, tell them about her day: the picture the teacher praised, the red-and-white scarf Granny had knitted her.

She learned what happened to her parents when she turned sixteen.

Your father was a criminal, love. Went before his time, and dragged my daughter with him. I shouldnt speak ill of the dead, but I can never forgive him for your mum. Never. I begged her not to get involved, but nothing would sway her. She wouldnt listenshe loved him, and he loved her, too, I suppose. They say he shielded her when they came for him. Tried to save herperhaps he really did love her. Some comfort, I suppose, that I have you left from my girl

Only then did Jane realise who the strange men were, the ones who would occasionally visit with Grannyawkward at the door, sitting in the kitchen, warming their hands on their tea, quietly listening to Granny talk about Janes achievements. Then theyd leave thick envelopes of money behind, never explaining themselves.

Granny always accepted the money, but never spent it. She saved it, and when Jane finished at school, she bought her granddaughter a flatall for Jane.

There you are, love. Your inheritance. From your mum and your dad.

But Jane didnt want to live in that flat. She stayed with Granny.

But why, Jane? Its a lovely placeright in the centre! So close to your school. You could walk to work. Whats the problem?

I cant live there without you. Either you move in with me, or we stay here together!

Granny resisted giving up her cosy place, full of memories of her daughter. Only when her niece, Gail, appeared did she give in.

Jane, let us stay in your flat. Please! Ive got the kids, and youre not using the place. Its empty. Ill pay the rent, and itll help you and Granny. And we need a proper address for the kids school. Help us, please!

Gail was tenacious, and Granny was adamant that she was the sly type.

Dont listen to her, Jane! She may be my niece, but shes crafty as a fox! Dont let her move in!

But, Granny, she has children

So, shes their mum! Let her look after them, as I look after you! I need to think of you, not her!

Jane listened, but she couldnt turn little Michael and Lizzie away. The kids sought her affection. It hardly seemed fair for her to keep a big, empty flat while others struggled. Besides, Gail never let Jane forget that they were family. And you dont turn your back on family.

That phrase haunted Jane. As a little girl, all she ever heard was that if her dad had acted properly, her mum would still be alive.

It hurt her deeply. She tried to earn Grannys rare, simple praise:

Well done, Jane. Properly, the way it used to be done. Makes me proud! Youre growing into a decent person!

Jane wanted nothing more. She felt she had to do the same with Gailuntil Granny surprised her.

Thats not the point, Jane. Not at all!

Why not? Isnt it unfair for Gail and her children to struggle while I have an empty place?

Yes, it is. But shes no fool, that one! And you forgot the story of the sly fox and the house of ice. I remember it well!

Granny

Hush. Dont argue! Gail wont live in your flat, full stop! Well move in with you.

But you never wanted to leave here!

Well, its time. Youre right, family deserves help. But just handing over whatever is asked for? Thats foolish. Gail is resourcefulshell get sorted herself. She doesnt need a fishshe needs a fishing rod. Dont ever just hand over the fish, Jane! Generosity isnt always a blessing.

Why?

Because if you just give, theres nothing for people to strive for. Move her in, and soon you wont be able to move her outand you wont want to, because youll feel obliged. You offered, she took. Shell use that one day. Maybe not straight awayeventually, shell make herself at home. Remember: sometimes, giving too much does more harm than good.

Is it right to think that way about people, though?

Maybe not. But its better to have a small grievance now than trouble later.

So Jane did as Granny insisted. Gail only sighed at the news.

I knew you wouldnt ever let Jane down.

Were you planning to take advantage?

Of course not! I havent got anyone else.

Then stick with usyou know well help you out.

I know

And so, Jane and Granny moved in and settled into their new home.

Time, though, waits for no one. Jane wanted Granny to finally enjoy life, but fate had other plans. Granny popped down to the doctors surgery regularly.

Its like a job! shed quip, shuffling through prescriptions.

Her health was never brilliant, but shed shoo Jane away whenever Jane offered to go with her.

Im not a helpless old dear! Its just round the corner! You do what you need to, love!

Jane would later regret not insisting. One ordinary winter morning, Granny fell near the doctors and hit her head. People hurried pastoff to work, busy with their livesnot noticing an old lady slumped by the kerb.

A cab driver, after dropping off a fare, noticed her, found Janes phone number in the address book, and called but by then it was too late.

Granny died a day later. Jane and Gail spent that day in the hospital corridor, clinging to each other. Gail rushed over as soon as she heard.

How will I cope without her, Gail?

Dont talk like that! Youve got to have hope. Gail tried to comfort her, but she knew, just by the doctors faces, it was hopeless.

Shed hate this moping, Jane, you know.

I know.

Dry your eyespull yourself together, for her.

I will

The next day, Jane realised she was on her own againresponsible for everything.

And life moved on.

Richard arriveda man Jane lived with nearly five years before they separated peacefully, Jane left with two of their children but without resentment. Richard was always straightforward, which Jane appreciated. When he met someone else, he told Jane honestly.

Well always be friends, wont we, Jane? he said, packing.

Yeah Do you hear yourself, Richard? She felt as lost as she had that day with the taxi driver, strangely unable to even feel anger.

It was life. The children loved their father, and he promised to stick around.

What else could she say or do? She showed him the door and rang Gail, asking her to come over.

Gail was just finishing helping her own daughter with a school project, ready to tell Jane off for disturbing her late, but heard the pain in Janes voice. In half an hour she was there, cuddling a trembling Jane, cursing Richards family under her breath.

Dont cry! Hes no loss. You know these types, Janewould have left eventually, one way or another. At least he wont abandon the kids. Thats something. My own left us, pays crumbs in support, never calls. You end up being both mum and dad, and thats not right, but there it is.

What am I to do, Gail?

Dont argue with him. Thats all I can tell you. Give it time.

Do you think time heals?

No, it doesnt. Thats a myth. But something new comes along and covers old hurts with new concerns.

Whered you get so wise?

Thanks to your granny! She could explain life like no one else. I hear her voice beside me now, just as Im talking to youso shes not gone as long as we remember her.

Thanks, Granny Jane mopped up her tears with a fresh tea towel. Why does it hurt so much?

Thats normal. If you felt nothing, then Id worry!

Gail was right. Life hurried on, giving Jane little time for grief. Richard was present for his children, took them out weekends. When he told Jane he was expecting another child, she barely flinched.

Thats good

Thanks for taking this so well, Jane. Youre amazing.

I know! she managed a weak smile.

Soon after, more news:

Gail! How did this happen?

Oh, Jane, what do you think! Youve had two yourself. Do I need to explain the technical details? She tried to joke, but fear flashed in her eyes.

Whos the father?

It doesnt matterdisappeared as soon as he learned I was pregnant. Good riddance! Wish Id frightened him off soonerespecially as its twins! What am I going to do, Jane? Where will I go? Ive already got Michael and Lizzie to bring up, let alone twins!

Gail ran off to compose herself, while Jane watched the kids polish off a bowl of sweets.

Hey, little ones! Michael ordered. Share them outdont be greedy. Aunt Jane, you look sad. Have a sweetthey help!

Looking into Michaels eyes, Jane made a decision most would call foolish.

Youre mad! Gail said, shaking her head at the deed transfer. I cant

You can. Its right, Gail. Granny would understandyour children deserve a home, and theyre lovely children.

So, Grannys flat passed to Gail, and the odd little family started the countdown to the twins arrival.

Sasha and Maisie were born healthy, small as dolls but full of voice. The nurse asked, Lovely girls! What names, mum?

One after my mumAlexandra. And the other after my auntMary.

Your aunt sounds like a special womanto name your child after her?

She was wonderful! Without her, these children wouldnt be here.

Jane and the children met Gail and the twins outside the hospital.

Well, theres a few more of us now! Jane whispered, lifting the lacy blanket. Arent they beautiful?

If only theyll be happy Gail cradled her babies, hiding the worry gnawing at her.

If only shed confided in Jane, seen a doctor earlierthings might have been different.

But mothers rarely put themselves first.

A week after the twins came home, Gail took a turn for the worse. She called Michael, getting ready for school, and nodded towards the babies cots.

Keep an eye on them. Ive rung for an ambulance. Call Janebut dont cry. Dont scare Lizzie. Not yet

They couldnt save Gail. Her heartwhich had never given troublesuddenly failed.

Now Jane was faced with the hardest decision of all. The social worker, tired beyond words, shook her head.

Youre the only relative, of course. But four more children, on top of your own two thats quite a responsibility. Well have to think about this, she said, looking genuinely sympathetic.

Jane didnt argue. What was there to argue? It was the most daunting thing shed ever faced. But send Michael, Lizzie, and the twins to care, or even another family? No, unthinkable. She thought of Grannys lessons: You must answer for every word, every decision. Jane taught her own children the same way.

If thats right, theres no more to discuss. The children must stay together.

Richard helpedfound a good solicitor, sorted paperwork, minded the children while Jane dashed around proving her suitability.

And your wife doesnt mind? Jane asked.

No, shes a mother, too. And besides, she knows youre not taking me back! So, why worry?

Are you sure about this, Jane? Six is a lot.

Im not sure about anything, Richard. Im terrified! But how could I split them up? How could I let them go?

What are you afraid of?

Everything! What if I fail? Im on my own

Youre not. Only if you want to be. Ill help. I owe you. Dont crywell manage. And you know what, Jane?

Whats that?

Ive never met a better person. Truly. If anyone can do this, its you.

From your lips to Gods ears, Richard.

Im sure He hears. Your granny will explain it all for you, if theyre not sure up there.

Thats true. For the first time since Gails passing, Jane smiled.

But life didnt get easier. Jane held things together but sometimes, at night, she allowed herself to breakcrying into her pillow so quietly the children wouldnt hear.

Granny, what do I do? Where next? You always knew!

And, strangely, memories would give her hintsa word, a feeling, a nudge in the right direction. The precise answer shed rarely findbut enough to sleep, feeling shed found her next step, however wobbly it was. The path did not always seem right, but the children grew, and Jane was their world. No matter what happened, they knew to run to her. Shed understand, forgive, and never deliberately cause pain.

Which brings us back to Sasha, now cradling her rescued cat, challenging the neighbours warning:

Jane will throw you out with that cat, Sasha! Look at it! Its filthy, probably has mange. Leave it!

No! Sasha looked helplessly at her big brother, then at the front door.

That morning, Jane had planned a trip to the zoo. She woke up early, made breakfast, and managed to get the children organised for their outing in record time. She sent the younger ones to the swings under Michaels supervision.

Take them to the swings, Michael! I just need two minutes. Where did I put my old trainers?

Check Lizzies wardrobe! She tidied up. Well be outside! Michael ushered his sisters out and looked back. Mum, you missed the other eye with mascarait looks odd. And dont rush, Ill watch them.

Jane darted around the flat, found her trainers, finished her makeupa rare weekend treat. On weekdays, smart for workweekends, anything would do. But today, looking in the mirror, she thought: why not put the effort in? So much worry, why not look after herself for once, have a nice day out?

Shed learned something. You can either bustle behind your children, fretting over every mess and sticky shirt, or have fun alongside them.

Buy herself candy floss, give the children extra ice creams, and declare, Im off to see the elephant! Whos with me?

She remembered zoo trips with her granny, sitting by the elephants paddock with homemade squash, wishing the day would never end. Now, she made the squash herself, packed a bag of sandwiches for her own children. One day, her children would do the same, and that felt right.

As Jane grabbed her backpack, the neighbour passing on the stairs grinned.

Go on, Jane. A surprise awaits you outside!

Sasha ran to her, holding up her prize.

Mum! Look! Isnt she beautiful?

What could Jane say?

Nothing much, really.

She picked up the cat by the scruff, studied her, then sighed, The zoos off. Weve got our own tiger now. Michael, wheres the nearest vet? Come on, off we go!

And so it was a good day. The zoo would have to wait. There was plenty to doand in just a few months, the scruffy, bald cat Sasha proudly trotted home would become a healthy, gorgeous, cuddly purr-machine, filling Janes home with yet another drop of joya small ocean of happiness.

No one in the family found it oddnot Jane, nor her children. For them, it was all simple and obvious: where there is love, there can never be too much of it. And perhaps, thats all that ever really matters.