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Розчарування в обраниці: чому я вирішив розірвати стосунки після візиту до її оселі
Відчувши розчарування в своїй обраниці, я залишив її відразу після візиту до її оселі.
Понад тринадцять років я був одружений, і моя колишня дружина ніколи не вважалася класичною красунею. В юності вона зачарувала мене своєю крихкістю, ніжністю, певною невловимою м’якістю, що зачіпала душу. Не скажу, що вона була сліпучою, але завжди вміла себе подати. Дорога мереживна білизна, якою вона себе тішила, полиці у нашій ванній, заставлені кремами, парфумами, маслами й косметикою — все це було частиною її світу. Пляшечок і баночок було стільки, що я губився в їх кількості, але вона завжди пахла, як квітковий сад. Ми обидва мали добрі заробітки, жили у достатку, і вона могла дозволити собі ці маленькі розкоші.
Моя колишня ніколи не дозволяла собі ходити вдома у розтягнутих обносках — її волосся завжди було укладене, одяг випрасуваний. Мені подобалися такі жінки: доглянуті, впевнені у собі. Але доля розпорядилася інакше — п’ять років тому ми розлучилися, і з того часу моє життя стало низкою короткочасних зустрічей. Жінки з’являлися і зникали, не залишаючи сліду, поки я не зустрів її — Оксану. Вона здавалася з іншого світу: гарна, приваблива, з тонкими рисами обличчя і впевненою ходою. Вона керувала чоловічим колективом на роботі з такою легкістю, що я мимоволі в неї захопився. Вирішив: таку не можна упускати.
Все почалося з невинних розмов, та незабаром я запросив її до себе додому в Києві. Готувати не став — замовив вечерю з ресторану, зате стіл накрив сам, вклавши в це душу. Вечір пройшов чарівно: вино, сміх, довгі погляди. Оксана залишилася у мене на ніч, і з того часу стала частою гостею. Та чим частіше вона приходила, тим більше мене бентежила її поведінка. Вона ніколи не приносила з собою ні косметички, ні змінного одягу, ні білизни. Вранці я бачив її у жахливому стані: розмазана туш, сплутане волосся, втомлене обличчя. Після душу вона натягувала ті ж самі речі, що носила вчора, і це різало мені очі. Чесно кажучи, я був розчарований до глибини душі.
Одного разу Оксана запросила мене до себе. Я йшов з думкою, що побачу хаос — її звички у мене вдома натякали на недбалість. Але коли я переступив поріг її квартири, мене охопив шок. Переді мною відкрився не безлад, а… щось інше. Усередині був свіжий ремонт — стильний, дорогий, з якісними меблями і модними деталями. Все кричало про смак і достаток. Але коли я зайшов у ванну помити руки, моє серце звело тугою. На поличці сиротливо стояли лише шампунь та зубна паста. І все. Ні краплі розкоші, ні натяку на турботу про себе. Я пригадав свою колишню — її полички ломилися від пляшечок, ванна благоухала ароматами, і це для мене було ознакою жіночності, самоповаги. А тут — пустота.
Оксані нещодавно виповнилося 33, але, схоже, вона навіть не задумувалася про те, як зберегти молодість. Невже її не лякають зморшки, в’януча шкіра? Я стояв, дивлячись на цю скромну поличку, і відчував, як всередині зростає розчарування. Та справжній удар чекав мене на балконі. Туди, на мотузку, сушилася її білизна — сіра, проста, без натяку на витонченість. Вона помітила мій погляд і недбало кинула: «Для мене головне — зручність». Ці слова прозвучали як вирок.
Може, в свої 42 я став надто прискіпливим? Можливо, мої звички, мої очікування — це тягар минулого, який я не можу скинути? Але я зрозумів: з такою жінкою я жити не зможу. Ми розсталися — я сам поставив крапку. Пішов, не озираючись, з важким серцем, але з упевненістю, що не зможу прийняти цю порожнечу там, де сподівався побачити красу і турботу. Оксана була прекрасна ззовні, але всередині її дому я побачив лише байдужість до себе — і це вбило все, що могло між нами бути.
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