Sit Down! We’re Not Home! – Peter Said Calmly

Sit down! Were not in! declared Peter calmly.

But theyre ringing the bell! Harriet stopped midway to standing from the sofa, caught between the cushions and the air.

So let them, replied Peter.

What if its someone important? she whispered, uneasy. Or urgent?

Its Saturday noon, said Peter, voice factual as stone. You havent invited anyone. Neither have I. So?

Ill just peek through the spyhole, Harriet breathed.

Sit down! There was iron in his voice. Were not home, whoever it is. Let them trudge elsewhere. Dont let them spot you in the window!

Do you know whos there? she pressed.

Ive a fair idea. Thats why Im sayingsit down and stay out of sight!

If its who Im thinking, they wont bugger off that easily. Harriet shrugged, resigned.

That depends on how long we dont open the door, Peter replied in a matter-of-fact tone. Theyll go eventually. No ones sleeping in the hallway tonight. Weve got nowhere to be. Pick up your headphones, your phone, watch a film.

Peter, its my mum ringing now. Harriet held out her screen like a shield.

That means its your aunt outside, with her hopeless little Colin. Peters logic was irrefutable.

How did you know? Harriet blinked.

If it were my cousin Peter lingered on the word cousin, making it sound slippery and untrustworthy, then my mum would be ringing.

You never consider alternatives, do you? Harriet offered.

If its the neighbours, Ive no wish to speak to them. If its friends, theyd have rung ahead or tried twice and gone. Only our relentless family could keep hammering at our bell like that, utterly shameless, only kin are that persistent.

Peter, it *is* my Aunt Maggie! mourned Harriet, showing a message. Mum says, Where the devil are you? Aunt Maggie will be staying a few days, shes business in town!

Text her theres plenty of hotels in London, Peter grinned.

Peter! Harriets tone was scolding and desperate. I cant say that!

I know. Peter pondered. Say were not home, say weve checked into a hotel because the flat was fumigated for cockroaches.

Brilliant. Harriet typed and sent.

Now she says we should book two rooms for Aunt Maggie and Colin! Harriet flailed, aghast.

Tell her were skint. Also, say were in a youth hostel, in bunk beds, sharing with fifteen construction workers. Peters smile was cunning, oddly pleased.

Mum wants to know when were back.

A week, Peter waved her off.

The door fell silent. The couple exhaled, relief streaming through the room.

Mum texted, Harriet muttered, flat as a squashed fairy cake. Aunt Maggies coming next week.

Well just not be home again, shrugged Peter.

Peter, you realise this isnt a solution? We cant outrun them forever. If they turn up midweek? Lurk at our door after work? Your cousin, my auntof course they would!

I know. Peters frown burrowed deep. What possessed us to buy a three-bed, eh?

We bought it for our future family! Harriet replied.

We need a child, Peter said earnestly. Better, twins!

Do you think I disagree? Harriets exasperation unfurled. You know the teststhey werent easy, and its not happening!

Just need less drama, Peter muttered, serious. Its always one of yours, then one of mine. Chase them out, it might work. Else, nothing will ever happen.

Harriet didnt argueshe knew he was right.

***

When wedding plans surfaced, they went through costly compatibility tests, genetics, fertilityglossy results, hope like sunlight. But the question of children waited: they needed money for a home. No family windfall, no generous will. Before marriage, each of them lived with mothers in one-bedroom council flats, no chance to move out except by their own sweat.

Five years of relentless saving bought them a roomy if aging flatex-council, in dire need of repair, furnished secondhand but happy beyond belief.

A tune from an old West End musical hummed in their heads, something about tower block living and tinny dreams.

But before their housewarming bunting even sagged, Aunt Maggie was on their doorstep, son in tow, plusjust to seal thingsHarriets mother herself.

Youll hardly notice us, and what space! Not like what we suffered in one room! chirped Aunt Maggie.

Lovely, Aunt Maggie beamed. A proper room for me, and Colin gets one too!

No one sleeps in our lounge, Peter stated. Its for relaxing.

Im not here to work! laughed Aunt Maggie. Harriet, explain it to your husband, Colin snores like a horse. Anyway, youve not even put the kettle on for your guests.

We werent expecting company, Harriet started.

And the fridge is empty, Peter tagged on, bolstering his wife.

All right, all right! Aunt Maggie relented. Peter, dash out to Tesco; Harriet, off to the kitchen.

Well, dont just stand there! barked Harriets mum. Is this how you greet guests?

Peter flared, Are you But Harriet whisked him away into another room.

Only when she removed her hand from his mouth did he whisper, Harriet, did we get the wrong address? Ill throw them back to your mums flatI mean with your mum!

If youre a guest, act like one! Thiswhat is this, anyway?

Petey, shes a simple woman, country roots. Thats just how they are.

I know country people, and this is pure rudeness. No place accepts that!

Lets not fall out with mum and Aunt Maggie, please, Harriet pleaded. Theyll wring me dry if we do! And youll be enemy number one. Is that what you want?

I couldnt care less what they think, Peter sighed. If this is how they treat me, Id rather not see them ever.

Oh Petey, please Ive nobody but her. If I upset Aunt Maggie, mum will never forgive me!

This hit the mark. Peter clenched his teeth and dutifully headed for Sainsburys.

Aunt Maggies few days stretched gloriously into two weeks. Peter was on rescue remedy by nightfall of day two. After their departure, Peter and Harriet brandished mop and dustpan with wild joy, cleaning for days.

Yet no sooner had the dust settled than a new visitor crossed the threshold.

Brother! cried Dave, nearly crushing Peter in a hug. Just here for a few days to sort some businessthen off we go!

Cant do your business alone? Peter raised an eyebrow.

Can I leave the wife and kids alone in the sticks while Im in the big smoke? Be sensible! Dave laughed, booming. What if I find trouble! My wifes got to keep me in check!

So you brought the kids, too? Peter ventured.

Who else would keep them? Theyll have a blast herelets shake up this little town like old times!

Dave! shrieked Sandra from the hallway. Shake things up and Ill shake *you* upside down!

Within an hour of Daves arrival, Harriets head throbbed. The children charged endlessly, shrieking; Sandra could only communicate in a banshee wail; Dave wanted only fresh chaos, which sent Sandra into fresh spasms of indignation.

Peter, arent you your mums only child? Harriet whimpered through her pillow.

Cousin, grumbled Peter. Maternal. I call him cousin when Im not cursing.

I dont care what you call him. Can we *please* see them out?

Id love to, truly, Peter laid a hand over his heart, but its the same as your aunt. Mum will wear out my brain with a teaspoon if I do.

Barely had the last visitor tucked their suitcase away, the next would appearAunt Maggie, business in town again; Dave and family for regular mischief; parents who never forgot their children. Mother-in-laws and mothers not-so-tenderly disassembled their in-laws patience.

The constant revolving door battered Peter and Harriets nerves and sanity, and any dream of children was swamped by exhaustion. With their resources stretched thin and tempers thinner, how could anything take root, even hope?

***

Lets swap flats? Harriet ventured one night.

For a padded cell? Peter snorted. Wouldnt be much different.

No, really, Harriet managed a small smile. Lets swap with another council flatsomeone wants to live in another borough, right? No one will know where weve gone!

Theyll suss it out eventuallyyour aunt or my cousin will harass the new tenants till they spill. Then well be slain for the trickery.

Maybe well have time to at least conceive? Harriets eyes were hopeful.

We need to deliver, too! That might count as an excuse, but I doubt even pregnancy would hold them back.

Might as well go stay with friends, hide out, Harriet sighed. Val and Kate have space.

But their German shepherd Tessa lives in that spare room, Peter grinned. Remember?

Ill take the dog over the relativeseasily! Harriet dropped her head.

Wait! Peter lunged for his phone. Val, can we borrow your dog?

You legend! Val cheered on the line. Kate and I need a holidayweve no one for Tessa. She takes a dim view of strangers but likes you two. All her kits yoursIll even pay you!

Perfect! Bring her round!

Peter turned to his wife, face glowing as the dawn.

Ring your mumtell her Aunt Maggie can come tomorrow! Ill let Dave know the coast is clear!

Are you sure?

Wed be delighted. Who could blame us if our pet isnt to their taste?

It took just one resounding woof! for Dave and his family to decide the Travelodge was far preferable.

Lock up that beast! shrilled Sandra, cowering behind her son.

Aunt Maggie, be serious, Peter replied with a straight face. Forty-five kilos of pure muscle. Shes not a lap dogshell go through a door if she fancies!

Whys she growling at me? Aunt Maggie quivered.

She doesnt much care for strangers, Harriet shrugged.

Get rid of her! I cant share a flat with that animal!

Out of the question, said Peter. Darling dogshes family. We havent got kids, so we need someone to love, and we love her dearly!

And well never give her up! Harriet chimed in.

Then both mums called, indignant: How dare you refuse hospitality to your own kin?

We never turned them away, Peter and Harriet insisted. They just didnt fancy staying. Theyre always welcomeso long as Tessas here.

And the dog? the mothers queried.

We never refuse anyone! said Harriet brightly.

Mysteriously, visits dried up.

A month later, Tessa left for her owners, but was ready to return at a moments notice.

She wasnt needed. Harriet was expecting twins.

The only thing you must never say is no.Instead, as word spread, an invisible shield seemed to wrap their home. Family calls grew less urgent, then scarceno one wanted to test their luck against that great lolloping wolf. At dinner one evening, Harriet reached across the table and squeezed Peters hand, laughter in her eyes.

Did we finally crack it? she asked.

He grinned. Guess we learnedsometimes you need a little bark to protect your peace.

As months drifted by, their days filled with quiet excitement and late-night talks of names and futures. Decorating the nursery, they left a spot for Tessas bed, just in case another visit from family demanded extra backup.

From the outside, their building was still the same, children shrieking in the courtyard, someones curry always perfuming the stairwell. But inside, their flat pulsed with a new anticipationnot just safety, but possibility.

And when the babies came, rosy and squawling, Peter sent a message to every meddlesome relative: The twins are here. Visits welcomebut mind our watchdog, shes fiercely protective these days.

No one dared test it. Peace, family, and just enough mischieffinally, their own home at last.