The Loner

Blimey, youre a hard man, William Benson! Theres a reason everyone calls you the Lone Wolf. Itd take a miracle to get a smile out of you. Just a glance and people step aside. Whats got you so chilled to the marrow, eh? Dont you fancy life at all?

Poor Peggy was still nattering, but William had already tuned her out. He silently gathered his shopping from the counter of the only village shop, nodded curtly and headed for the door.

Your Eleanor turned up at her mums, she did. With her boy in tow. Hear me, William? What if thats actually your lad? You really want him growing up as some fatherless waif? He looks like you, you know!

Peggys words reached him just as he was stepping out, nearly causing him to trip on the little stone threshold. He didnt turn around. Why bother? No matter what, you cant prove anything. Airing your life for everyones approvalnever was his way. Folk know what they want to know. And what they dont, they spin tales about. You cant set the record straight, nor should you. Thats to do with him and Eleanor. No room for anyone else.

An unusually scorching spring sun washed over Williams face, making him squint. Heavy eyelids fell and, for a moment, his stoic features turned rigid as stone. Eyes shut, William took a couple of steps forward and was jolted by a childs shout.

Watch out!

A boy darted up the shop steps, scooping two puppies out of harms way.

Please, dont crush them!

He had a scuffed nose and dark, heavy-lidded eyes that resembled Williams own, with slightly sticking out ears as well. Yes, the village gossips had a point. Still, William knew for certain whose the boy wasnot his son, not that close of kin.

Do you want a puppy? Look at the paws on this onelike a wolf! Hell be a fine dog!

William shook his head and walked off, turning into the nearest lane rather than his own. There, his legs nearly gave way. Leaning on the Smithsons tall fence, he struggled to breathe, lost in a whirlwind of thoughts.

Why is this happening? Why has she come back now? And with this boywho could have been his, had life unfolded differently. Had her new man, Oliver, thrown her over?

Torment pressed in, his heart stumbling in his chest as it had seven years before. The mind might forget, but the heart remembers, however much you try to silence it. It wont.

Lucy Smithson slid open her gate, lifted her brows in concern and hurried to him.

Will! You alright? Come on, let me help. Or shall I call Edward?

She slipped her arm under his shoulder and he blinked.

No, Lucy. Thank you. Ill be fine… I just need a minute.

Where do you think youre off to? Here, lean on me. Theres a good lad. Slowly now. Thats it. Heavy as lead, you are! Will, youll do yourself in at this rate and then folk will be asking me why I wasnt looking out for you! Youre still under my care, remember? Dont make it harder for me. Lets get your blood pressure and Ill give you a jab or twoyoull be right as rain! Come on now!

His legs were like jelly, but Lucy was strong. She nearly carried him into her tidy garden, kicked the gate shut behind, and shouted for her husband.

Edward! Give us a hand!

After that, things blurred for William. He came around on Lucys old settee, something heavy pinning his chest. For a moment, he worried it was a heart attack, but when he opened his eyes and saw the familys smoky cat curled against him, washing her kittens, he managed a weak grin.

Mistys funny; she always knows a good soul. If shes brought her babies to you, William, you cant be all that bad, Lucy said, setting aside her daughters exercise books and fussing about him.

There we are. Almost back on your feet. Good pulse, nice and steady. Dont frighten me like that again! With the roads as they are, ambulance might never come. Honestly, what are you planning? Too soon to meet your makeryouve still got things to do.

What things, Lucy? Just Daisy, and Rex my dog, thats all thats left for me now.

Youve a lovely cow, you do. Needs proper care. Wholl look after her if you decide to get poorly?

Only then did William notice the curtains were drawn, lamps on.

Whats the time?

Late. Youre staying here tonight. Dont worry, I saw Daisy; shes just fine.

Lucy put the stethoscope down, hugged her husband in passing, and went to the kitchen, as Edward settled beside William.

You feeling awful?

Something like that. I cant quite explain.

I reckon its Eleanor, eh?

Dont start, Ed. William turned away, meeting Mistys green, unblinking eyes.

Even the cat knows, Edward mused, scratching Misty behind the ear. She brought her whole brood to cheer you up. Dropped them by the settee as Lucy worked to bring you round. Animals think with their hearts, not their heads. Wouldnt do us any harm to try that sometimes. You bottle everything uphow much longer can you carry it? I know youre proud, never asked for help. But I see through it, just like Misty does.

And whats that got to do with you, Ed? Got enough of your own troubles?

Plenty! But you never needed my permission to help me, did you? A good turn deserves another, Will. If I can do anything for you, let me. Its as much for me as for you.

And what could you possibly do, Ed?

My gran used to say, sometimes you just need to let trouble outshout it into a hole, if theres no one else. Bottling it up eats you away. Youve done that too long. Didnt ask before, hadnt seen you since you moved out to the old farm. But seeing Lucy trying to revive you today, I realised enoughs enough. You play the lone wolf, but were not wolveswere people. People need people, Will. Weve known each other since you moved herewhat was it, year seven?

Year eight

That long… Look at usgrey as mice and still keeping secrets. Shouldve talked sooner. I messed up theresorry. If you want me gone, say so. Otherwise, let me listen. Im no gossip; you know that.

I do William stroked a kitten on his lap, and began, shame reddening his cheeks. What do I tell you, Ed? Its all so shameful. A proper man doesnt tell such things. You saw how much I loved Eleanor. Chased after her at school, raced back to her after the army. You were at our wedding. You know everything.

I do. Never figured out what went wrong between you two. Living together, all seemed well, then suddenlyshe left for the city, and you disappeared to the farm. I remember your mum selling Daisy. She wept, couldnt say why.

She had no idea. I told her Id stopped loving Eleanor, said Id never live with her again. My parents nearly disowned me…

Nothing happens for no reason. Why did Eleanor go? Youre still in love with her, thats plain.

William didnt answer. Tears threatened but wouldnt comehed wept them all out, wandering the woods, calling her name till he dropped, unable to forgive or imagine life without her.

I cant believe shed ever betray you. Thats not Eleanor.

Williams eyes were black stone as he replied, I saw them. With my own eyes. Id never have believed it otherwise.

Edward gasped.

Tell me everything. Something doesnt add up.

None of it does, Ed. She lied to me. Said she loved only me. Im without a wife or a family now. My parents didnt understand, the lot of them turned away. In our family, a mans strength is everythingand what strength does a man have if his wife prefers another? Theres nothing left of me now

Dont jump to conclusions. Lay it out for me.

I was away in London for worknearly two months. We figured wed start a horse livery, make our living that way. Eleanor was all for it, knows horses inside outremember her dad? She pushed me to go, fix things up. I went. And while I was away

Edward frowned, But round here, word travels before news even breaksthe whole village wouldve known if anything was amiss. Lucy or someone would have said.

No one knewit happened behind our closed doors. Im sorry, Ed, this is hard to tell. Years Ive kept this inside. Youre right, thoughit grows heavier with time.

Edward stared.

With whom? Not?

My cousin, Oliver. He and his mother came to settle here. They lived with my parents half a year while our house was being finished. We were close to moving in, talking about kids. Eleanor wanted children desperately. We tried, but it didnt happen at first. Then we thought, let fate decide. He gave. Just not to me

Ive seen her boynice lad. Edward slapped his neck and shook his head. Still cant believe it of her!

What doubt can remain if I saw it myself? William tried to sit up, but Misty yowled sharply, pinning him to the blanket with her paw and gathering her kittens close.

Sorry, old girl, didnt mean to

He gently herded the kittens together.

Thats the way of things, Edany mum will protect her children, born or not. I knew Eleanor wanted a child desperately, but I wouldnt see the doctor. Didnt believe the fault could be mine. So she found another way

Dont go putting two and two together just cause youve lived with it for years.

Ive had nothing but time to think it over.

Easy to spiral, Will. But isnt it your own child youve avoided, deep down?

Careful what you say. William raised his voice, but Lucy popped her head out, and he softened again. I can count. It doesnt add up.

What doesnt?

Olivers mother came to the farm when Lucy had her baby. She explained everything clear as day.

So thats your proof! But tell mewhat exactly did you see when you came back from the city?

They were in the kitchenher and Oliverhe was kissing her. She didnt push him away! Thats what I saw! Williams voice broke.

Lucy entered briskly. Lets get you another injection and let you sleep, William. The rest can wait. You need to rest now.

He nodded, tears finally coming, and drifted into a heavy sleep.

Edward called Lucy to the back room.

You heard all that?

I did.

What do you think?

I need to pay some calls, Ed. Best sort this whole mess out. I saw Eleanor yesterdaytheres nothing left of her. No life, nothing but sadness. That boy needs his family. And Williamhe cant go on much longer…

Lucy pulled her coat on and left, and Edward plonked himself on the steps, lit up his pipe and thought.

Lifes a funny thing. You think youve grasped happiness by the tail andpoofits gone, leaving only a single feather behind. He and Lucy had been through it alllost their only son, then were blessed with the girls five years on, after theyd given up. Lucy always blamed herself, a doctor missing her own sons swift illness. Even as she carried the twins, Lucy lived in fear, strung taut as wire. Wills Eleanor looked the same nowworn out, living only for her son, but the boy needs a father, strong and close.

Edward checked on William once or twice; he slept heavily, restlessly. So he wrapped up warm, sat again on the step and waited for his wife. When dawn approached, Lucy finally returned, pale and exhausted under the glow of the porch lamp. Edward hugged her.

Hard night?

Oh, Edward. People Sometimes I think animals are better.

Lucy wept, childlike, wiping her face with her hands and started pouring out her story.

Its Williams sonSeth is his boy, Im sure now. His aunt, Tamara, confessed everything.

How did you get her to talk?

I was angry, thats how. Angry for them both. I went to Tamara first and she crumbled, told me how it was that day William saw Eleanor and Oliver together. There was nothing in itEleanor was already pregnant, but shed been too afraid to tell William. Three miscarriages shed had, Ed! Never spoke of them, not even to him. Had she been guilty, shed have never looked anyone in the eyebut shes got nothing to hide, only pain.

Lucy wrung her hands, voice rising.

And Tamara? Her faultall of this. She egged Oliver on, made him act up. Jealous since childhood, was Tamaraher sister found love, married the man she wanted. Tamara couldnt let it go, and after being widowed, she came back, set on revenge for old grudges. She knew hurting William would bring the family pain.

Edward squeezed Lucys shoulder.

And?

Theyre talking, now. Tamaras offTanya, Williams mum, ran her out of the village. She found Eleanor and begged forgiveness. Theyve all been crying all night. I named Seth after Williams grandfather, you know. In the end, Wills been wrong this whole time, suffering for nothing.

Lucy gave a thin laugh, then sighed, exhausted.

We should have sorted this years ago, Ed. People, I swear, would rather suffer than just talk.

Come on, lets have breakfast. All this talkings left me famished.

You couldnt find the fridge if you tried, Lucy quipped, rubbing his cheek. Go shave, youre as rough as sandpaper. Ill start some scones, the girls will be up soon, and William needs a good mealhes a rough day ahead.

The sun tipped over the golden edge of the horizon as William emerged, a bit unsteady, onto the porch, screwing up his eyes against the light flooding Lucys tidy garden.

You my dad, then?

A boy was sitting on the step, cradling the puppy.

Lookhes got strong paws, almost like a wolf! Do you think hell make a good dog?

William caught his breath, sat on the step next to the boy, and ruffled the puppys head.

Hell be a fine dog. Good choice, lad.

The boys dark eyes, so like Williams own, searched his face hopefully. William, at last, put his hand gently on the boys shoulder.

I am. Im your dad, Seth

The boy grinned. Great! Lets go in, thenmums making breakfast, and grans come over. She promised to take me to see the horses today. Is that alright?

The weight that had held William captive for years snapped and vanished, pain giving way to relief and joy. His voice, confident and steady once more, returned.

Its alright. Come on, weve got plenty to do, son. Theres so much ahead for us. So muchWilliam stood, heart thumping like a newborn colts hooves, feeling at once old and young, a man forgiven by time. He reached for Seths handawkward, unused to such gesturesand the boy gripped it cheerfully, drawing him through the kitchen door.

Inside, the kitchen glowed golden with lamplight and the sunlight breaking over Lucys sills. Eleanor was by the stove, her hair tucked behind her ear, looking nervously over her shoulder. When her eyes met Williams, he saw so muchyears of longing, regret, fierce pride, and the stubborn hope that had kept her soul alive.

She smiled, tentative, trembling, as though the world might shatter if hope proved false again.

William cleared his throatthe old, gruff sound, but softer now. Morning, Eleanor.

Morning, Will. Her voice caught, but she didnt look away.

Seth rushed ahead, pulling William with him. Dad says hell help me with the pup! Can I keep him?

Lucy beamed, the kettle shrilling, and set out mugs along the table. Edward whistled through his teeth, spreading jam on scones as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Mistys kittens tumbled beneath the chairs, and the smell of baking and brewing tea filled the air.

For the first time in years, William sat among friends and familyat the heart of things again, not alone and wounded outside in the cold. The warmth pressed into the cracks life had left, melting what remained of his stoic frost.

He looked at the boy beside himhis boyfelt Eleanors hand brush his, quietly, under the table. He squeezed it, just once, enough for her to know.

Outside, a puppy barked at the bright sky; inside, a battered man found forgiveness, a boy found his father, and the old farmhouse rang with laughter. The pastat lastleft quietly out the door, and as the morning bloomed, the future opened wide, bright and endless as spring.

William smiled. Not a miracle, but something realfamily gathered close, love fierce as any wolf, and enough hope to carry them all, come what may.