З життя
Ти вагітна?” – запитала мама.
— Оксано, ти чекаєш дитину? — спитала мама.
І як вона могла здогадатися?! Я ж тільки вранці сама про це дізналася!
А використаний тест ніяк не міг потрапити їй на очі, навіть випадково — я одразу викинула його у відро, а відро винесла до сміттєвого баку.
— Звідки ти знаєш?
— Знаю… Ти ж моя донька! — відповіла мама.
Я не зовсім зрозуміла, що вона цим мала на увазі, та й не намагалася зрозуміти — не до того було. У той момент мені хотілося лише одного: заснути і прокинутися… п’ять місяців тому, ще до знайомства з Миколою. Як шкода, що не можна взяти і відмотати час назад!
— Ти розійшлася з Миколою?
І знову мама влучила в точку.
Два тижні тому коханий призначив мені зустріч у кав’ярні. Я думала — звичайне побачення, а виявилось — прощання. «Пробач, Оксанко, але… Взагалі, дякую тобі за все… І, будь ласка, більше не дзвони. Зробиш боляче і собі, і мені, але все одно нічого не зміниш… І взагалі… собаці гуманніше відрізати хвіст одразу, одним махом!» Після цих слів він встав і пішов, а я сиділа і думала, що справді схожа на собаку, якій відрізали хвіст — мою любов. Від того, що гуманний Микола зробив це одним махом, зовсім не було легше…
А тепер ще ця нікому не потрібна вагітність…
— Так, мамо, ми розійшлися, — голос підло здригнувся. — Тільки, будь ласка, нічого не кажи. Я і так знаю, що ти скажеш. Мовляв, я тебе попереджала, а ти не послухала… Так, ти мене попереджала, що Микола — егоїст і бабій, а я не послухала. Задоволена?
— Як я можу бути задоволена, якщо моїй доньці погано? — сказала мама і погладила мене по голові, як у дитинстві. — Коли тобі народжувати?
— Ніколи. Я не хочу дитини!
— Оксаночко, дівчинко моя рідна… Коли не стало твого батька, я була в такому стані… Вижила тільки завдяки тобі. Коли мене не стане, вона… — мама знову погладила мене, тільки не по голові, а по плоскому животу, — стане твоїм ліками від відчаю…
Я була так поглинена своїми проблемами, що не звернула уваги на фразу «коли мене не стане». Зацепилася лише за слово «вона».
— Звідки ти знаєш, що буде дівчинка, а не хлопчик?
— Знаю… — знову не стала вдаватися в подробиці мама. І додала прохально. — Народи її, Оксаночко. І пам’ятай: що б не сталося, моя душа завжди буде поряд з тобою.
Ввечері 6 травня швидка забрала мене в роддом з переймами, 7-го ранку я народила дівчинку, а вдень прийшла сусідка тітка Люба з страшною новиною: моя мама померла. Вона, відправивши мене в роддом, викликала швидку і собі, а через кілька годин тітці Любі зателефонував лікар з лікарні і повідомив, що…
— Вона залишила ваш номер телефону. Обширний інфаркт. Ми нічого не змогли зробити.
Похорони пам’ятаю смутно — ними в основному займалася тітка Люба та інші сусіди. Лише через кілька тижнів, перебираючи документи, я виявила, що в довідці з роддому і свідоцтві про смерть зафіксована не тільки одна й та ж дата, але й однаковий час — 6:30.
Світланка народилася у ту саму хвилину, коли померла мама… Містика?
Чи може це бути простим співпадінням? Тут же згадалися мамині слова: «Коли мене не стане…» Але ж вона ніколи не скаржилася на серце! Невже у мами був дар передбачати і вона передчувала свою близьку смерть?
Маленька Світланка стала моїм порятунком і ліками від відчаю. Коли доньці було три з половиною рочки, я вперше взяла її з собою на кладовище.
— Ми прийшли навідати бабусю Світлану… — пояснила я доньці. — Ці квіточки ми принесли для неї. Давай поставимо їх сюди, в баночку…
Дівчинка здивовано озирнулася довкола, а потім покликала:
— Бабусю, ти де? Заховалася?
— Бабуся не заховалася, просто вона тепер живе на небі. Говорити з нами вона не може, зате…
— Може нас бачити, так? — закінчила Світланка за мене фразу.
— Так. Бачити і захищати…
Коли ми йшли, донька закинула голову і помахала хмариці, що пливла в висоті:
— Бабусю, не сумуй, ми ще до тебе прийдемо!
Зараз моїй малечі вже сім, і для мене немає людини ріднішої і любішої, ніж вона. До речі, всі знайомі в один голос стверджують, що моя Світланка — вилита бабуся. Я і сама охоче визнаю їхнешнє схожість, але останнім часом стала помічати, що у доньки є… дар передбачення. Скільки разів вона правильно передбачала погоду, прихід гостей або пропажу якоїсь речі. А вчора раптом зовсім вразила:
— Скоро у мене з’явиться тато… — і додала після невеликої паузи:
— Не бійся, бабусі він сподобається…
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The Key in His Hand Rain drummed against the window of the flat with the bleak consistency of a metronome, each beat ticking out the time left. Michael sat hunched on the edge of his sagging bed, as if by shrinking he could disappear altogether from the notice of fate. His large hands—once strong, shaped by years on the factory floor—now lay powerless in his lap. His fingers curled and uncurled in vain, desperate for something solid to hold on to. He wasn’t looking at the wall; he was seeing a map traced on the faded wallpaper—a map of hopeless journeys: trips from the NHS surgery to the private diagnostic clinic. His gaze, like an old film stuck on a single frame, was dulled and washed out. Another doctor, another kind but weary “Well, you have to understand—you’re not as young as you once were.” He couldn’t muster any anger. Anger took energy, and he had none left. Only fatigue remained. The pain in his back had become more than a symptom—it was the backdrop to every thought and action, a white noise of helplessness drowning everything else out. He did everything he was told: swallowed pills, slathered on gels, lay on the chilly table in the physio clinic, feeling like discarded machinery on the scrapheap. And all that time—he waited. Passive, almost devout, for the lifeline he hoped someone—perhaps the government, or a brilliant doctor, or clever professor—would throw out to him as he sank slowly into the muck. He stared into the horizon of his life and saw only rain-soaked greyness beyond the glass. His own will, once so sharp and practical on the job and at home, was reduced to a single function: to endure and hope for a miracle from somewhere else. Family… There had been family, but it had slipped away, vanishing quickly and with a strange clarity. His daughter Katie was first to go—clever Katie, off to London in search of something more. He’d never begrudged her ambition; if anything, he’d encouraged her to chase it. “Dad, I’ll help you as soon as I’m settled,” she’d said over the phone. He’d known even then that it wasn’t important. Then his wife left—Raia. Not to the shops, but forever. Cancer took her so fast. It was as if her absence magnified the weight in his spine, leaving him, halfway between the chair and the bed, still breathing, but blaming himself for it. She, the wellspring of his strength, faded in three months. He’d nursed her until the end, until her cough turned desperate and her eyes dulled to a distant shine. Her last words, gripping his hand in the hospital: “Hang on, Mike…” He wasn’t able to. He broke. Katie called, begged him to stay with her in her tiny rented flat, but what use was he to her there? In a stranger’s home, a burden. She wouldn’t be coming back. Now only Raia’s younger sister, Val, visited, once a week by the clock—bringing soup in Tupperware, pasta with a lukewarm cutlet and a fresh pack of painkillers. “How are you, Mike?” Val would ask, peeling off her coat. He’d nod, “Alright.” They’d sit in silence, her bustling around, tidying his little room, as if the order of things could somehow restore the order of his life. Eventually, she’d leave behind the scent of another woman’s perfume, and the soft, near-tangible weight of a duty performed. He was grateful. Yet also, crushingly alone. It wasn’t just physical loneliness—it was a prison built from helplessness, grief, and a subdued rage at unfairness. One melancholy night, his wandering gaze fell on a key lying on the tattered rug. He must have dropped it the last time he shuffled in from the surgery. Just a key. Nothing special. A bit of metal. He stared at it as though seeing it for the first time. He remembered his grandfather—brightly, as if someone had turned on a light in a dark corner of memory. Grandad Peter—one sleeve empty and pinned—would sit on the stool and tie his laces with a lone hand and a broken fork. Patient, focused, quirkily triumphant when he managed it. “Look, Mikey,” Grandad would say with a gleam of victory in his eye, “A tool is always close by. Sometimes a tool looks like junk. The trick is spotting the friend in the rubbish.” As a boy, Michael had thought this was just old man talk—a comforting fable. Grandad was a hero, and heroes could always manage. Michael, he decided, was ordinary; his battles with pain and loneliness weren’t fit for brave stories. But now, staring at the key, the old scene rang not like consolation, but as a quiet rebuke. His grandfather never waited for help. He used what he had—a bent fork—and beat back helplessness itself. So what had Michael chosen? Only waiting, bitter and passive, sitting by the door of someone else’s charity. The thought jarred him. Suddenly, the key—the chunk of metal, echoing his grandad’s words—became a silent command. Michael stood, groaning as his body objected, almost shame-faced in the empty flat. He took two shuffling steps, picked up the key. His attempt to straighten was met with the familiar knife of pain. He froze, waiting for it to pass, but this time, instead of collapsing back onto the bed, he pressed on. Moving slowly, he went to the wall. He turned his back to it, pressed the blunt bit of the key to the wallpaper right where the pain sat, and gently, gingerly leant in, applying pressure. There was no plan to ‘massage’ or ‘treat’—just the act of pushing back. Pressure against pain, reality against reality. He found a spot where, miraculously, this struggle brought not agony, but the slightest, dull relief—something inside relented, softened a fraction. He moved the key, tried again, higher then lower, with the same careful experiment. Each movement was slow, full of listening to his own body. It wasn’t treatment—it was negotiation. The key, not some medical gadget, was his tool. It seemed foolish. A key was no miracle. But the next evening, when pain returned, he tried again. And again. He discovered places where pressure brought not more pain, but relief—a sense of opening a vice by fractions. He began leaning against the doorframe to stretch. Drank a glass of water when the empty cup reminded him—something free, at least. Michael had stopped waiting, hands idle. He started using whatever was at hand: the key, the doorframe, the floor for simple stretches, his own resolve. He kept a notebook—not a pain diary, but a list of ‘key victories’: “Today managed five minutes by the cooker.” On the sill, he placed three old baked bean tins—planned for the bin. He filled them with earth from the front garden and planted a few onion bulbs. Not a vegetable plot, but a tiny patch of life that he was now responsible for. A month passed. At the next appointment, the doctor’s eyebrows went up at what he saw in the new scans. “There’s some improvement. Have you been doing the exercises?” “Yes,” Michael said. “I’ve been using what I’ve got.” He didn’t mention the key—the doctor wouldn’t have understood. But Michael knew. Salvation hadn’t come by ship. It had simply lain on the floor, ignored while he watched the wall, waiting for someone else to turn on the light. One Wednesday, when Val appeared with soup, she stopped in the doorway. On the windowsill, in those tin cans, green shoots of spring onion pointed skywards. The room no longer reeked of medicine and defeat, but of something almost hopeful. “You… what’s this?” she managed, seeing him standing confidently at the window. “Kitchen garden,” he replied. After a moment, he added, “Want some for your soup? Home-grown, fresh.” That evening, she stayed longer than usual. Over tea, without discussing his aches and pains, he told her about the stairs—the single extra flight he now climbed each day. His rescue didn’t come from Doctor Dolittle with a magic potion. It had hidden itself as a key, a doorframe, an empty can, and a concrete staircase. It hadn’t removed pain, loss, or age. But it put tools in his hands—not to win a war all at once, but to fight his small daily battles. And it turns out, if you stop waiting for a golden ladder from heaven and see the plain, concrete one at your feet, you might find the climb itself is already a life. Slowly, carefully, step by step—but always upward. And on the windowsill, in those three battered cans, grew the finest green onions in the world.
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