Yesterday, My Boyfriend Told Me:

Yesterday, my boyfriend said to me,

The lads are coming over on Saturday. Could you go and stay at your parents?

I froze, holding my cup tightly.

Tom, again? I replied.

Well, yes. Its once a monthweve talked about this, he answered.

And its true. Once a month, his friends come to ours to play board games. Every time, he asks me to stay somewhere else for the night. Weve lived together for two years now. Im thirty-one, hes thirty-four. His mates are all between thirty and thirty-five, all married or with partners. But for some reason, Im the only one whos meant to clear out when the gathering happens.

I end up at my grans, my parents, or with a friendlike a youngster being shipped off for a sleepover so the grown-ups can have their fun. And, honestly, it makes me feel small and ridiculous.

The First ‘No Girls Allowed’ Night

About a year and a half ago, it started. Wed only just moved in together.

Tom said,
The boys are coming round on Saturday for board games. Do you mind going somewhere?

I was caught off guard.
Why? This is our flat.

Were having a lads night. No girls. We just want to relax without anyone else about.

And the other girlfriendsdo they go somewhere too?

No, but they dont live together. Since we do, it might be awkward for you.

I thought, Fair enough, let them have this first time to themselves. So off I went, staying at my friends.

Tom came back delighted, Thanks for giving us space. We had a great time.

The next month:
The lads are coming Saturday. Could you go to your parents?

And I did.

The month after thatgrans.

And so the cycle began: once a month, I pack a bag and leave my own home because Tom and his mates need a lads night, free from women.

What Really Gets to Me

Recently, I found out none of the other women get asked to leave when their boyfriends have friends over.

I asked Lucy, Maxs girlfriend:

So Lucy, where do you go when they have their board game nights?

She looked surprised.
Nowhere. I stay indo my own thing while they play in the other room.

They dont ask you to leave?

Why would they? Its my home too.

I asked two more girlfriendssame story. Its just me who is expected to disappear.

So I asked Tom,
Why do the others stay, but every month you want me out of the flat?

He thought for a bit, then said,
Well Theyve got bigger places, more rooms. Their girlfriends can relax somewhere else, but our place is a one-bedroom. It would be awkward for you.

Im fine with it really. Ill pop on my headphones and read in bed.

No, just go. Itll be more comfortable for everyone.

For everyone. Not for me. For them. Its more comfortable for them if Im not around.

Its Degrading Leaving My Own Home

Every time I pack an overnight bag, I feel like a stranger in my own space. I pay half the rent; this is my home, but monthly Im asked to step aside so a bunch of blokes can have their boys night.

I head to grans with my suitcase.
Have you argued again? she asks.

No, Gran. Toms having the chaps over.

Why arent you at home, though?

Its embarrassing to admit Tom simply prefers if Im not there.

At my parents, Mum wonders,
Youre here again? Werent you over yesterday?

Yes, Toms having one of his lads nights.

Mum doesnt say much, but her look says plenty.

What Hurts: Double Standards

Tom always tells me how low maintenance I am, how hes lucky because other women want expensive restaurants, weekends away, holidays abroad.

Couples go out for dinner twice a week, he says. But youre so understanding.

Yes, I dont ask for much. We go for coffee or to the pub maybe once a month. In two years, weve never taken a holiday together.

Other couples travel every six months, he says. But you never nag. Good on you.

No, I dont nagthough he earns enough.

But when I ask, just once a month, to be allowed to stay in my own flat, Im demanding.

But its only once a monthyou could just go, cant you? Its not that much to ask.

It isnt much. Pack a bag, leave my own home, sleep at a relatives, just so he can have a night without women.

I dont demand fancy restaurants. I dont require holidays. But the right to stay in my own home is apparently too much.

His Mum: The Voice of Reason

Recently, his mum found out about this and asked,

Why do you leave? This is your flat. Staymeet Toms friends.

I tried to explain,
Its a no-girls night; Id just feel awkward.

She shook her head,
Youre Toms partner. You should be part of his lifehis crowd. If hes hiding you away, thats a little odd.

And shes right. After two years, I barely know his friends. I glimpse them as Im heading out. But truthfully? Im anxious around new people. I get shy. Its just easier to leave than to stay and feel out of place. Maybe Im scared they’ll judge me: Why is she always leaving?

What I Found Out: Toms Not Included

Not long ago, I learned something else: if Tom ever cant make itwork, illnessthe friends still meet up, just without him. They dont even invite him anymore.

Why did they get together without you? I asked.

I couldnt make it, so they went ahead anyway.

They didnt even invite you?

No. Maybe they forgot.

Forgot, or didnt want him there.

Ive also since discovered that three of these friends have had weddings recently. Tom hasnt been invited to any of them.

Why werent you at Maxs wedding?

Dunno. Maybe tight on numbers.

Sure. Or maybe Tom isnt as close to them as he thinks.

So, here he is, hosting these nights, pushing me out for their sake, and they wont even include him in the big moments.

What I Realised: Im Afraid to Ask

This past week, Ive asked myself, why dont I insist on restaurants or a weekend away? Why do I keep leaving my own home once a month?
Because Im afraid. Afraid that if I start asking for more, Tom will walk away.

Tom praises me for not being demanding, and Im frightened to break that image. I worry hell see me as a nag or difficult.

So I go. For his comfort. So he doesnt leave.

But the more I think, the clearer it is: Im losing myself in the process.

Where I Am Now: At a Crossroads

Saturdays coming. Another no women night. Toms already hinted,
Youll go stay with your parents, right?

I said nothing. Im thinking: go or stay?

If I go, its the same old pattern. Another time I show my boundaries dont matter.

If I stay, itll spark an argumenthell say Im ruining his evening, that Ive become demanding.

And I honestly dont know which is worse: leaving my home, or staying and feeling guilty.

But one thing is absolutely clear: this cant go on.

Ladies, have you ever been told to leave your own home when your blokes mates are round? How did you handle it?

And men, genuinelywhy have a no women night at home, and ask your partner to clear off?

Women, have you ever been celebrated for being undemanding? Where has that led you?

Men, if your mates dont invite you to their weddings but you host them regularly, is that real friendship?