A Letter to My Father

A Letter to My Father

Oh, youre a proper one, arent you, Johnny! I really didnt expect this from you! Susan spat out her words, caring little for manners as she wiped her nose on the sleeve of her blouse.

Her mother had carefully sewn that pretty blouse for her, unpicking a precious piece of silk kept aside for a special occasion. She had sighed a little as she measured it out, wishing for a moment the beautiful fabric could be hers before sitting down at her sewing machine.

Her daughter was growing up, after all. She needed a proper outfit. How else would anyone take notice of her if she ran round looking a mess?

Mum neednt have bothered Whats the use? Susan thought, watching the back of her first love as he strode away.

Her hearts desire stomped off with all the self-importance of a soldier, not glancing back even once.

It hurt like nothing shed ever felt before.

Susan let out another quiet sob, but quickly remembered shed put on mascaradespite her mothers warningsso there was no way she could let herself cry.

John, Johnny, dear Johnny

Her beloved, her only love! Theyd had only six months of happiness together. Susan had counted. Exactly six months since they first met, and so much had happened during that brief time.

John did eventually glance back, but Susan pretended not to notice.

Why should she? Shed brought him such important news, and now he acted as if he didnt care? Let him go! Sailor boy, off to the seas! He wanted the sea and freedomwell, off you go. She could manageshed have the child, raise it herself, and wont ask his permission for any of it! Too much credit to him otherwise.

Susan was seething, but inside a thin, shrill ache nagged at her, gnawing with all the persistence of old grief.

How could this be? Hed sworn he loved her, promised her the world, said they would marry And as soon as she told him she was pregnant? Off he ran?

Wellnot quite told him. Shed said she wanted more than meeting up every other weekend, and he just replied that the sea was calling him, and he would not change his plans for her wishes. If she loved him, she could pack up and go with him.

But how could she leave her mother, especially expecting a baby? To the other side of the country, with no family, no one to know, nothing and nobody?

No chance! That wasnt going to happen!

She stood, straightened her skirt, and adjusted her hairstyle. Not that her own hair amounted to muchbut a perm could hide a multitude. Its true what Mum says, she told herselfhow you look can change everything. John wasnt so much to look at either, yet all the girls swooned over himbecause he was clever, good-humoured, could hold a serious conversation as well as any university lad. Never mind he left school at sixteenhe could hold his own.

Her own qualifications werent much better. Shed finished college but flatly refused to go on, no matter how her mother pushed. Shed thrown quite the row over it, not speaking to her nearly a month! When had that last happened?

But Susan knew her own worth. What was the point of a diploma when she was already earning a good wage on the building site? She sent money home for her mother and had enough left for herself.

Eventually Mum came round, fussed as always, and wrapped Susan under her wing again. Thats how mothers are. But how was she going to take it, finding out shed be a grandmother? Would there be a scene?

Of course there would. That was always her mothers way.

Her mother yelled so loudly the neighbours came knocking, but nothing was explained to them. Trouble at work, thats all, they said, ushering everyone out. Family business is family business.

How could you, Susan? Didnt I tell you not to carry on before getting married? Whos going to want you now? Oh Johnny! Id never thought hed treat you like this! He seemed a decent lad. Snake, more like! Well, hell get whats coming to him. Found out about the baby and ran for it, did he?

Susan wondered if she should tell her mother the full truthbut decided not to. Let her think what she liked; John would be long gone anyway.

Yes, Mum. Thats just how it went.

Oh my poor darling What will we do now then?

Well get on, Mumthats what! What, are we children or something? Well manage, if you dont leave me and help me to start withit wont be so frightening.

Me leave you? Dont be silly! What mother would walk out on her child when she needs her?

Susan closed her eyes and let out the breath shed been holding.

There you go, Johnny! Well manage without you, my loveyou go and chase the sea if thats what you care for more than your own child!

Time passed, and Susan herself forgot the details of her last talk with John. She started to believe she had told him about the babyand that hed responded cruelly. And so anger and disappointment curled around her heart, settling deep within, quietly whispering, Look hereyou see? Your girls just like her fatheralways up to mischief, always giving you trouble! When she asks about her useless dad, you tell herhe sailed off with no word, never came back. Shell run out on you herself one daybecause shell never learn how to care, how to love. Like father, like daughter

Maybe thats why Ellie, Susans daughter, grew up certain that only her grandmother truly loved herthough it was never entirely consistent. Kind and gentle enough one moment, but if the neighbours so much as snickered, shed push Ellie away.

Go on now! Go to your mother, shell comfort you Why must we be punished like this, Lord? What did we do?

Up until she was three, Ellie honestly believed that punishment and poor darling were her names, just like Ellie was. In those rare moments when her mum softened, Ellie would receive the precious affection she desperately craved.

Come here, love! Let me brush your hairlook at these lovely locks! Not my fine straw, but thick and dark like your fathers And those blue eyes, the sort you only see on those seaside holidays… Youre his image. Pretty you may be, but happiness? Thatll pass you by.

Why? Ellies lip would tremble, ready to burst into tears.

Because!

Her mothers voice faltered, and Ellie learned not to ask any morebest to run to her gran, bury her nose in her apron that smelt of roast and stew, and have a little cryfirst for herself, then her mum, then for gran too. Because it was mums shame and it was gran who carried it.

She only discovered much later what this shame really meant, and why anyone was expected to carry it. She was barely ten when her mum suddenly changed, growing bright and happier, before moving to London to start a new life.

Ellie stayed with her grandmother.

She didnt really miss her mother all that much; shed often been left behind while mum went to work, insisting someones got to put food on the table for us two. But this was different. When mum came back from her trips, she was tired but pleased, brought bags of presents and new dresses, to fuss over Ellies thinness and growing height, before berating her gran:

Mum, look how skinny she is! People will think were not feeding her properly!

She eats nothing, thats why! If you were home more, shed probably eat just fine. I have to chase the cows, get to the farm, and run this house too! Dont moan, just come home and look after your daughter!

Oh, dont fret, Mum, leave it out! Look what Ive bought you!

And what good are your presents to me? I just wish you were here My poor heart cant take the loneliness.

Mums face would darken, and Ellie would shrink into the corner, dreading another argument.

Oh, youre lonely, are you?! Im not bored, am I? Im still young and decent looking, and what for? Living like a lonely old spinster! And you pile on even more worry! Dont you have any care for me? I burdened myself with this all alone If Id known it would be like this, do you think Id have let him go?

Too late now, dearie. No use crying after whats done!

Mum!

Yes? You wanted a child, now bring her up! Or write to her fathermaybe hell take her off your hands?

Ill never give Ellie to him! Never! He never wanted to know a thing. Now, whathes to get a ready-made child handed over? Not happening! I didnt break my back on building sites all these years so he could turn up and claim all done for him!

Well, then dont complain! The child hears everythingthink what its like for her, knowing her fathers a rotter and her mum struggles to the bone.

Well, shell have to shoulder it. Lifes not all honeysometimes it knocks you down and theres nothing you can do. Thats enough! Lets not talk about it! And dont even think of writing to John yourselfI know what youre like!

Grandma kept her promisebut not forever.

Ellie was finishing her GCSEs when news came from London. Her mother had had a baby boy and, a week later, was gone from this world, leaving debts and silence behind.

The secret of her own birth might have remained locked away, if not for Ellies stubbornness.

Once she learned of her mothers passing, her gran packed her suitcase and left, weeping, warning Ellie to mind the house.

No time for tears, love, her gran murmured, pulling her black shawl tighter. How shall we manage now? What with? I cant imagine

Gran, Ill get a job!

Lets not rush into that. We must sort out the baby. His dads taken him, but wont raise him. And me can I cope, Ellie?

Do we have a choice, gran? I grew up with Mum away half the time. Are we to send the baby to an orphanage? Not right, is it?

I know Im just frightened, Ellie. Dont know how long Ive got left

Grandma left, and Ellie searched the house top to bottom. The old rules meant nothing anymore.

She had to find her fathershe and gran couldnt manage alone.

She knew what needed doing. Shed known for as long as she could remember. Even before she could write, shed been drawing messages to her father, hiding them from Mum and Gran. She drew storieshow a new cat came into the house, how gran taught her to make Cornish pasties. One day, gran found the sketchbooks hidden under Ellies bed but said nothing. She tried once more to talk sense into her daughter, but lost hope, despairing as Susan grew cold with bitterness towards a man who had no idea he even had a child. Susan railed against her old sweetheart, never admitting shed never told him about their daughter.

When the pictures gave way to clumsy handwriting, Ellie began writing letters to her father, hiding away the notepads containing her entire lifeall the joys, wounds, anger at the world, and small triumphs.

Now, finally, it was time to write the real letterthe one shed actually send.

Ellie found the address at last. Hidden in the back of an old photo frame was a tattered envelope with her fathers address. If she hadnt knocked the frame and smashed the glass while cleaning, shed never have found it.

Whats this? Ellie tugged at the corner and, realising what shed discovered, burst into tears. Mum! Why did you do this to me? Whatd I ever do wrong?

She sat on the floor, pouring out years of pain, asking for forgiveness without even knowing quite what for. But it didnt make her feel any better.

Im sorry, Mum, but I wont obey you this time. I know you didnt want me to contact Dad. But gran keeps reminding me she wont be here forever. It makes me angry, but I know shes right. We cant do this alone. If he is the scoundrel you always said he is, at least Ill know, and Ill only rely on myself from then on. But what if he isnt? Mum, forgive me, but I dont quite believe you. You always said Dad was bad, but you Why have me if you couldnt try to love me? What was the point of it all? Youll say Im ungratefulI suppose I am But it hurts, not being loved. Hearing over and over you look like a man you neither know nor remember. How should I know what hes like? I just want to meet him. Surely thats not so wrong.

It never crossed her mind that whoever wrote that letter to her mother might have moved away. She didnt think. She just acted.

That evening and far into the small hours, Ellie poured her soul onto a torn-out page of an old exercise book. She managed three linesher anger at her parents, her cry for help, and a trembling hope that her father would hear her.

She posted it the next morning on the way to school. When she returned, Gran was home, with a tiny, squalling, bundle.

There you go, Ellie This is Alex, your baby brother. Gran wiped her eyes, turning her face away from the bed where she was wrapping him tightly. Ellie leaned in, wide-eyed.

Gran, whys he so small?

Hes fine. You were smaller, both in weight and in length.

Really?

Oh yes! And look at you nowhell catch up, you know.

Gran, his dad?

Said hed send money, but not have him live with him. Not his problem.

Could be worse Ellie mimicked Grans tone so uncannily that Gran smiled despite herself.

Oh, Ellie! Will we actually manage with him?

Well, why not? Yes, we will! How else do people manage with babies? Look at Kate from next doornine kids, and she never complains! She promised me all the baby clothes from the twinssome still brand new. Kids grow up so quickly, dont they, gran?

They do. Faster than youll ever know. I held your mother just the same way, and look now

Ah, now, dont cry, gran! Or Ill start! And hell cry as well, you see him puffing up for a good wail! Whats the matter, lovewet?

No, probably hungry. What time is it? Oh heavens, quite right! Feeding time already!

Gran bustled about, thrusting baby Alex into Ellies arms.

Hold him for a moment. Dont worry, you wont drop him! Youre clever and handy, love. Lets hope hell take after you.

Ellie froze.

She was holding a tiny, living proof that shed never be alone again. How many years had she dreamt of someonesomeone needing her utterly, and she them? Gran and Mum didnt count; they always had their own ideas about need.

Youll get married and run off, and wholl need us then? Mum would say. Ellie hoped those days would never end, dreamt of a noisy home, warm with the chaos and laughter of a familylike Kates, where three generations all crowded under one roof.

Now, at last it was real.

Maybe the little boy now wriggling in her arms was only a couple of weeks old, but she could already tellhe belonged to her, and she to him. No matter how old he grew, to her, hed always be this warm, wriggling bundle.

Very quickly, Ellie picked up how to care for her brother. Once, Kate popped round, breathless, cheerfully changing Alexs nappy and examining his scrawny arms and legs.

Well, hello there, soldier! Wailing already? Good for you! Louder, let those lungs grow. Ellie, listen here: theres really nothing to worry about. Every woman copes, and so will you! Ill show you how to bathe and dress him, but then its over to you. Wheres your gran?

Gone to town for some papers. Said it was urgent for sorting things out. She showed me everything, but I wanted to check with you as well

Whys that? Dont trust your gran?

No, Kate, its not that! She just says its been agesforgotten half of what babies are like, and you remember it all

Oh, I do, Kate laughed, her youngest twins just a year apart. Feels like yesterday!

I was just scared, Kate. Hes so tiny

Dont worry, Ellie! Youll do fine! Kate picked up a fresh nappy from the pile and wrapped up the now-settled Alex. Back in the old days, youd have two by now! Youll pick it up in no time.

Ellie watched Kates hands, thinking she herself wasnt ready to be a mother yet. Nappies and bottles were only part of it. You had to love your kids. But how?

Alex taught her. Now, instead of trudging home after school, she rushed, because she knew someone was waiting for her. The babys first toothless grin was given not to grandma, but to Ellie, and his first word was also for her.

Eh-ii! the chubby-cheeked boy would waddle across the yard, arms outstretched for his sister running down the path.

Im here, my darling! Come here!

His little arms hugged her neck, and Ellie smothered his mucky cheeks in kisses.

Whereve you been? Whys your face filthy again? Come on, lets get washed!

With his sister, Alex would endure even soap and a flannel. Gran would laugh seeing Ellie chase after her wriggling brother:

Like a little eel, he is! Hold him tight, Ellie, or hell crack his nose.

In all the busyness, Ellie quite forgot the letter shed long ago written to her father. No reply ever came, so she took silence as her answer. If her father said nothing, she obviously meant nothing to him.

Hurt poked at her sometimes, but there was too much to do. She had Alex now.

Gran kept going on about Ellie going to university, but she refused even to discuss it.

Gran, you know I cant! If I go off to college, Id have to move away! What would you do here alone? And what about Alex? Nodiscussion over!

Gran argued, but Ellie stood firm. There was plenty of work in the villagea job on the farm, or at Kates new shop. Kate had even offered to take her on.

But Gran wouldnt hear of it.

Ellie! You dont see it! Your mum wasted her life this way; do you want to do the same? Im only doing this for your sake!

I know, Gran, but its not up for debatethere are more important things than a degree!

In the midst of these arguments, the last person Ellie expected turned up.

She and Alex were coming home from Kates one evening. Her brother, tired from playing with the twins, ambled behind, knowing full well that when Ellie calledbedtime meant bedtime. At the garden gate, he tugged her skirt:

Eh-ii! Carry me!

So she scooped him up, smiling at his persistent carry me!

But when she opened the gate and stepped along the garden path, she froze. There was a stranger on the porchperched on a rickety old stool, fiddling with the ancient outside lamp, which had never worked in all Ellies memory.

There we are, job done! the stranger muttered with satisfaction, jumping down as the bulb finally came to life.

It was only then that he noticed Ellie, frozen on the path with Alex in her arms.

My girl

John took a step, then another, and before Ellie could move away, swept them both up in a hug.

My darling

Ellie saw tears shining in the strangers eyes.

Forgive me, loveI never knew you existed! Is he yours? John glanced at Alex, who stared up with wide eyes at this odd man in their home. Will you let your grandad hold you? Come here, my lad! Let me have a look at you!

Ellie finally snapped out of it, realising who he was.

Hes not mine! I meanhes my brother, Alex Mums.

Ah, thats it then! John hugged the little boy, who surprised everyone by cuddling right in, rubbing his cheek against Johns stubbly chin.

Spiky!

Thats fine, sport! Ill shaveno bother! John grinned. Come on, love, lets go inside. Youve got some ferocious midges out here!

The rivers close by, Dad

I remember.

Gran greeted them with a look that told Ellie everything had already been worked out. She no longer had a reason to sulk.

Did it really matter what her parents past had been? What mattered was that, finally, her family had grown. And this gift, however unexpected, ought to be welcomed.

She watched as Alex scrambled round his grandfathers feet and knewthis was how things would be: there was a man in their house now. And that was good.

Much later, Ellie would find out that her letter hadnt been lost in the post after allit reached its destination. Her father simply no longer lived at that address, but a young woman whod moved in took pains to track John down, and finally he got her note, months later, as soon as his ship returned.

As soon as I got your letter, darling, I came running. I thought I was alone in the world. I wrote to your mother many timesbegged her to come round, to be a family.

And?

She replied just oncesaying shed married and not to bother her again. So, I stopped. If only Id known what was happening! Id have swum across the Channel to get to you! Good heavens, how did I get so lucky? I never deserved this. Will you come with me? Ive got a flat down in Portsmouth. Big, brightyou can see the sea from the window, and the sunsets are something else!

Dad, I I cant leave Gran and Alex! I wont.

Who says you have to? Theres plenty of space for us all. You must go to collegeGran can look after Alex, and well sort everything out.

And howll we live? Gran and I can barely scrape by. Alexs dad promised to pay, but he never has; its as if his own son never existed! We havent seen him in over a year.

Ellie, are you trying to hurt your old man? Johns brows furrowedhe looked so much like Alex when cross that Ellie nearly laughed. Why the giggle? Im a man, arent I? Think I cant provide for two ladies and a young lad? Go onget your things! Grans already agreed to move. Only waiting on you, and I think weve just had your answer, havent we?

Yes, Dad thats right.

And as Ellie hugged her father, she blessed the day shed decided to write that letterand later she moved with him to that distant flat blinking over the English Channel. The sea might not have been as calm as its name, and Ellies own life would have its fair share of tempests, but now she knewshe had found a harbour. Whatever storms may come, she would have a safe place to come home.

And in that harbour, there would always be warmth and welcome. Family would be waiting, the smell of cabbage pasties (Ellie would never quite learn to make, even after all Grans lessons), and a wild-haired boy sprinting to meet his big sister with a voice deepening by the day.

Hullo! Dad said youd be popping in tonight! EllieIve missed you!

Ive missed you too So much, my lovely boy So much.

And so, Ellie learned: while families might shatter and drift, love has a way of seeking you out, landing on your doorstep when you least expect it. The lesson she took with her was this: hope is never truly lost, so long as you keep writing your letterand when you do, someone, somewhere, might just answer.