Bittersweet Happiness

Bittersweet Happiness

What do you mean, were getting a divorce? Denis, you must be joking?

Olivia stared at her husband, bewildered. Divorce? Was he mad? Theyd been together nearly twenty-five years! In two weeks, they were supposed to celebrate their anniversary. Or would that not be happening any longer? Her mind scrambled to make sense. What about the party? Guests? Invitations had already been sent. The whole family would be there, friends called endlessly with questions about presents… And some, like Juliaher best matehad already sent gifts ahead. Shame she couldnt make it, what with being so far away, and in her sixth monthno way shed travel by plane. Still, theyd catch up and celebrate when they could. Julia had, after all, played no small part in Olivia and Deniss story. It was Julia, a university friend, whod introduced them, and later, had shouted, Kiss! Kiss! the loudest at their wedding, barely ducking behind the bridal bouquet Olivia simply handed over instead of tossing.

Whats your Nicholas waiting for? Hell lose you to someone else at this rate!

He wont go far, Julia replied, fixing Olivias hair. Its all about timing. Hes not ready yet. Besides, who wants a husband half-ripened? Marry too early, divorce in a couple of years, and then thisproperty and children and in-laws to sort out, and by then, theyll all worship me. No, thanks. Ill wait until hes good and ready.

You plan ahead, I see! Olivia giggled, watching her friend expertly touch up her lipstick.

I just dont do things by halves. If youre going to do something, do it properly!

And children, Jules? Straight away? Not just one?

Yes! Twins! One stretch and youre done! My familys got the history for it, and so does Nicholass.

But arent twins harder to raise?

Nope, easier. In-built competition, a playmate, and Mother of the Year for handling two at once. Need I go on?

No, no! Olivia laughed, fairly certain even then that Julia would always get what she wanted.

And as it happens, she nearly did. It just so happened that fate had even more of a sense of humour than Julia herself. Instead of twins, she gave birth to triplets. Fate, it seemed, wanted to see how shed handle such a challenge.

Julia met it triumphantly. By then, Nicholass side of the family had come to regard her as one of their own. She was unfailingly polite and always able to helpusually by skillfully setting her husband to work, a man whod much rather lounge about than play the Good Samaritan. Julia had always looked to the future.

One day, well need help ourselves, and what then? A cold shoulder and nothing more? I wont have it. Want your favourite supper tonight? Then go round and put up your mothers new wardrobeyoull be hours at most and shell be delighted. And tell her Ill pop by to clean the windows next week.

So when Julia needed help with the children, both grandmothers and a surviving grandfatherher father long since passedwere more than willing to lend a hand. She managed triplets, got them through a rough patch when they were tiny, and thenoff she went to university.

Jules! Are you mad? How will you manage? Olivia was incredulous.

Whos going to give poor grades to a mother of three? And itll keep my brain from turning to mush from all this maternity leave! Besides, when Im done, Ill be a jack of all tradeseconomist and solicitor rolled into one. Why ever not?

Julia earned her degree and found a job, assuring her new boss the salary would just cover a childminder.

But Jules, Olivia worried, thats hardly enough to live on.

Im managing for now. The grannies are plenty of help, but my boss doesnt need to know that. I need experience. Whats the point of a diploma with zero practical skills? Ill bide my time, tough it out a few years, and then Ill be calling the shots.

Olivia marvelled at her friends ability to thrive without ever losing pace, not least because she herself had always struggled to make decisionseven as a child, staring at her red and blue tights every morning, unable to choose which to wear.

But when you finally decide, you never go wrong. Not like mealways dashing off in all directions, Julia comforted her. Youre a conservative, Liv. Conservatism is safe and sound.

Safe and sound. And Denis so appreciated that, did he? Why did it have to come to this? Theyd managed well enough. Yes, it hadnt been easynever having childrenbut theyd long ago made their peace with it, deciding to live and let live. For a time, Olivia volunteered in childrens homes and realised she couldnt adopt. It wasnt a matter of not having the means or the stamina. It was the fear, the lingering doubt that she couldnt love anothers child as her own, not the way a proper mother should. How did she even know what that meant? Some deep instinct told her motherly love required more than just goodwill.

Youve not found your child yet, Mrs Sutherland, the director of one childrens home Olivias firm sponsored, said wisely, watching children dance around the Christmas tree. When you meet your child, youll know. And nothing will stop youno hardship, no difficulty.

And if I never meet them? What if motherhood isnt meant for me? Olivia turned away from the tree to arrange the presents shed brought.

Then it isnt, Mrs Sutherland replied calmly, so calmly it jarred Olivia. Better that than to take on a burden you cant bear and break both your heart and the childs. Ive seen ittheres little Michael, over there. Hes been returned twice.

My goodness! Returned? How old is hefive?

Six, soon. First home, two years; second, just one.

Why? How could they?

The first family fell pregnant themselvesthat happens all too often. The second…well, they already had two of their own, plus three foster children. By the time Michael joined, their love was stretched too thin. After almost a year, the boy simply sat in the corner, refused to eat, and begged to come back heresaid no one loved him. The psychologist spent months with him, but nothing took. Eventually, they brought him back.

Olivia flinched, suddenly desperate to take Michael home, but Julia’s clear sense shook her.

Are you sure youve got enough love, Liv? If youre moved by pity, let it go. Otherwise, youll be one of those who let him down. Want to borrow one of mine for a week, see how you like being a mum?

Olivia laughed it off. She stopped visiting childrens homes but thought about Michael constantly. He became a kind of beacon for her, guiding her actionsreminding her not to do harm.

She hugged her own shoulders. It was so cold, though only autumn, with the heating already on. What now? Help Denis pack? Which thingswarm jumpers? It was never warm for long. English summers never lasted, autumn shorter still… Nothing like her mums place in Cornwall, where Olivia never knew real cold, spending winters in a light jacket, resorting to heavy coats only for weekends in the hills. Suddenly, there was nothing she wanted more than to go home. Disappear into the hills with her mother, just the two of them, free as the wind… But her mother was gone. And Denis would be gone too.

God, she didnt want this freedom. She wanted her husbandcoffee at dawn, midnight chats when sleep wouldnt come, impromptu trips to the theatre or the countryside. Their happiness had never been planned; the best days happened unannounced, spontaneous. Sometimes, in the thick of the working day, Denis would ring:

What are you up to, Liv?

Swamped! Ive two interviews, then the bank.

Oh, sod that. Lets bunk off. Wanna go ramble for a bit?

And shed drop everything. Within an hour, theyd be ambling through the woods, talking nonsense, content to just be.

That happiness, though, was overjust hers, not his. Shed remember, but hed move onwith his new love, expecting a child. A child! Was that the real reason? Or had their marriage always been a sham? The notion she hadnt made him truly happynot in nearly quarter of a centurywas the most wounding. Perhaps it meant she was nothing, less than a woman.

Frozen beside the kitchen radiator, Olivia pressed her knees against the heat, too stunned to do anything. She heard Denis moving about, drawers opening and shutting, doors banging. Her arms trembled so much her one potted flowersent by Juliawobbled to the edge of the sill. At last, the front door slammed. Olivia unclenched her hands, gripped the windowsill hard, then straightened, knocked the heavy pot to the floor, and screamed.

It helped not at all. The dark soil, scattered with shards, oddly pulled her back to earth. Black, thats how everything was now. No light left. Hed just locked the door behind him and left her totally alone.

There was nothing to do but call…

Juuuules…

It wasnt even a sobmore an animal howl torn from somewhere painful. Julia needed no explanation.

Denis has gone?

Yes…

Right. Ill be there tomorrow.

Youre mad! No! I wont forgive myself if anything happens to you or the baby! Wait… Jules, did you know?

I suspected. Last time you came down, Denis wouldnt look me in the eye. It makes sense now. Liv, its for the best!

For the best?! My lifes evaporated, you understand? All for nothing! Now what?

Buy yourself a frock.

Awhat? Olivia nearly dropped the phone.

You heard me. The one you wouldnt splurge on. Go and buy it. Dont mope. Then send me a photothen hop on a train or a plane. Well head to the hills for a walk. Itll helptrust me. Dont let a pregnant woman worry!

Julia hung up, and Olivia, stunned, stared at her phone. What now?

The answer followed. Slowly, Olivia stood and examined herself in the mirror. There she wasall the years right there on her face. No longer a girlcertainly not old. Youth had passed, but she was hardly ready for the grave. If Denis thought shed fold up and die, he was wrong. Julia was rightthere was no need for self-pity.

She smoothed her hair, wiped the tears, and forced herself to keep moving. One stepthen another.

She swiftly cancelled all appointments, rang the restaurant and the othersthen put the phone down. A broomthats what she needed now! She set to work, forgetting she had two vacuum cleaners.

The red dress fit like a dreamshed always loved it. Bright, bolda far cry from her usual neutral tones. But today, she wanted to stand out, not to watch from the sidelines.

Why not, after all? Had she become completely invisible?

The mirror showed a different Oliviatired, shaken but unbroken. Something was left. Something her own. Anger wouldve been a welcome release, but she realised she understood why Denis went. She knew what it had cost him. Theyd grown into more than spouses; he was her best friend, and betraying a friend always cuts deepest.

The journey, with its awkward transfer, wasnt ideal, but Olivia didnt mindthe distraction was helpful.

In the hills with Julia, they roamed every path, sometimes chatting, sometimes silent, both not wanting to miss a word or a moment. Slowly, Olivia was released from her pain. Julias common sense worked magic, showing her what mattered and what didnt.

Come back home, Liv. Why bother alone? You can run a childrens club anywherethe new estate here is aching for one. Your fathers not welldidnt you always mean to bring him here? You dont have to uproot anyone now. Think about it.

Olivia did. And, by the end of her surprise holiday, she decided Julia was right.

Divorce, selling the house, the car, tidying loose ends in her little companyshe did it all, mind and heart clear. She met Denis a couple of times, held steady, and when the paperwork was done, she deleted his number and made herself forget.

Springtime in Cornwall greeted her with clouds of apple blossom and golden sun. She found a flat near her dads instead of moving in, realising when an elegant woman greeted her in the doorwayher fathers new companionthat it was best this way. Olivia welcomed her calmly; there was nothing to contest, and she was keen for her dad, too, to rediscover joy.

If you ask me, Iggys still got it, hasnt he, darling? Mrs Valentine looked at Olivias father with such affection Olivia couldnt help but believe in love again. Sometimes it comes easily, sometimes not. Sometimes it never does.

Yet, seeing her father happy late in life, Olivia realised perhaps her own person might still be out therehidden from view, for now.

A year slipped by. Two nurseries shed opened filled her days, and the busy routine didnt allow much time for sadness. Still, sometimes, in the quiet kitchen, Olivia let loneliness in, wishing Denis would walk in, turn on the light, and ask if everything was alright.

She knew moving forward meant letting go, but she couldnt yet close that door completely.

When a tax problem arose over her old business a year and a half later, she was actually relieved. Something to do! She dealt with it in a day and found herself, with hours to spare, wandering her old neighbourhood.

One club had closed, another thrived. She watched through the window as children painted, the new teacher roaring like a bear, children shrieking in laughter. Thats what matterednot her, not the past, but that life went on and children had places to flourish.

She cut across to her old home. The familiar estate, the playground where shed once imagined her children, the park where they used to walk… Was she drawn there by old happiness or old heartache?

She found herself heading for the fountain, not sure why. There, on a bench, sat a man, pushing a pram forward and back. Denis.

He had aged; his hair, nearly white now, but that wasnt it. He seemed to have shrunk into himself, looking so lost, so diminished, it hurt to see.

Denis…

He flinched, head hunched, though he recognised her voice.

Hello, Olivia.

She sat next to him. How are you?

It was such a hollow, awkward question, she nearly left, but Denis paused, hand still on the pram.

Not well. Not well at all, Liv. Im alone. I lost everythingthrough foolishness, really. A mishap that cost me dearly.

Thats not true, Olivia replied, knowing the two silent years between them still echoed with unspoken sorrow. You have more than you left me with.

Olivia gestured at the pram.

Boy or girl?

Daughter. Eve.

Young wife, a child… What more could you want?

Theres no wife, Liv. Milas gone. Labour was too hard.

Olivias sorrow for Deniss new love surprised herthere was no anger, only pity for this young woman who had taken her chance to secure her future but lost everything. No one knew why Denis had allowed himself to be swept away at that work party. Regardless, here was the result: a sleeping child, and a man, bereaved and adrift.

They lingered in silence, then, as the sun set and the park lights flickered, began talking, their words tumbling over and through each other. Eve awoke, wide-eyed, as the stars appeared overhead.

Olivia rose to see Eves face. Instinctively, that old advice, When you see your child, youll know, rang in her mind. She didnt turn away.

Six months later, Mrs Sutherland led a serious, dark-haired boy into her office and nodded to Olivia, leaving them alone.

Michael, do you know why Im here?

Youre here for me.

Would you like to live with me?

Dunno. Doubt youll want me for long.

He looked at Olivia directly, indifferently, a tiny flare of hope dying as soon as she showed him pictures.

That your husband?

Yes.

And your daughter?

No, Michael. Not mine.

The spark brightened, and Olivia determined to keep it alive.

She isnt my child yet, but I will be her mother. And yoursif you want.

Youll send me back.

Why?

Everyone does.

Im not everyone. Do you know why?

No.

Because I know what its like to lose everything, to be unloved and alone. It hurts, doesnt it?

I know…

Do you know what a mother is, Michael?

No.

Shes the one who never, ever lets her child be hurt.

Is it just pity for me?

Olivia shook her head gently. No, I dont want to pity you. I want to love you. And for Eve to have a brothera strong one. Brave, wholl never let her be hurt. Think we can make it work?

Michael was silent, studying her. She was smiling, but he saw that she knew sadness too. The red dress she wore was so bright, he reached out to touch the sleeve to see if it was real.

Do you like it?

Very much.

So do I. I bought it on the darkest day, and it made things lighter. Now, I love the colour red.

I like it too, Michael said softly, and looked up. Ill give it a go.

No, Mikey, Olivia said gently, this isnt about giving it a go. Were just going to do it. Because its right. I wont let you go. But youll help me too, wont you? I dont know how to be a mother yet, but I want to learn. For you and for Eve. Will you help me?

He nodded, and Olivia exhaled, hope rising.

A couple of years later, a small family walked single file down a mountain path. The dark-haired, lean boy minded the lively girl, always dashing off ahead.

Eve, there are wolves in the woods! he teased.

No!

Yes! And bears, big oneshungry, too!

Their mums didnt feed them porridge?

No, their mums cant make porridge.

Ours can.

Yeah.

She should cook some for the bears. Then they wont be hungry.

Mum! Eve says you should make porridge for the bears!

Do you want it lumpy? gasped Olivia, catching up, trying to match her daughters stride.

Mum! Eve spun round. You cant do semolina rightits always lumpy. Even the bears wont like it!

Oh, you cheeky thing! Olivia swung Eve into a hug and kissed her. Maybe the bears would love lumpy porridge!

Give them my portion tomorrow! Eve clung to her mother, settling in contentedly. And the honey you bought yesterday, too.

No chance! Thats my treat. Are you going to walk, or stay up here for the rest of the day?

I want a piggy-back!

Then ask Daddy! Olivia passed Eve over to Denis, ruffling Michaels hair. What do you say about bear porridge, Michael?

Mum, I dont want to head back yet. Theres so much left to explore. If Eve starts feeding the wildlife, therell be no end of it. Maybe let them be hungry a bit longer?

Olivia laughed, glancing back.

Eve, how about we feed the bears later on? Ill learn to make proper porridge.

Alright! Eve agreed so quickly that Olivia and Michael exchanged amused glances.

Typical, Mum! Michael shook his head, grinning.

Watch her closely, son, Olivia replied. Otherwise, well find ourselves not only feeding all the bears but rescuing yetis too Shed have us bring the lot home, because shed never leave anything unloved.

Laughter rang over the hillside, skipping away with the breeze. The day, fresh and bright with promise, stretched out before them.