For My Mum, Looking After Her Granddaughter Feels Like an “Impossible” Task

All my friends have mothers who can effortlessly look after their little ones. For my mother, however, the prospect of watching her granddaughter is utterly impossible. She intones the same refrain again and againshes your child, I raised mine. My daughter, Daisy, is five and attends nursery. Two years back, when my maternity leave ended, I had to return to work; Im a primary school teacher, so unfortunately, I cant take days off very often. In moments like these, it would be wonderful to have my mother nearby.

Time slips by strangely, especially in winter without the sanctuary of a holiday cottage. My mother spends her days floating around the house, watching quiz shows as if hypnotised, chatting on the telephone with her old friends until dusk. Theres nothing else to fill her hours. Last week, I found myself in an optometrists waiting room and discovered that Daisy has trouble with her sight. I rang my mother and told her Daisy needed to visit the clinic for ten days in a row. Wed collect her from nursery at one and take her to the clinic in the morning. Everything is all so close togethernursery, the surgery, Mums houselike pieces placed too neatly in a dream.

Daisy is a gentle child and my mother knows it. She isnt sulky, never noisy, and keeps things tidy, patiently eating whatever is put before her. Still, Mum has a powerful aversion to being with her. Once, I desperately needed Mums help because both my husband and I had work at the same time.

How marvellous it would be if my mother could come and lend a hand for a few days, but she just wont. We are fortunate, at least, to have relatives nearby when we need extra hands. My nan lives just next door and seems to wander through her days, unanchored by chores, so it seems only natural she might watch Daisy for us while were working. It wouldnt cost us any extrashes only across the hedgeand it would spare my husband and me a tremendous strain.

Since Mum retired, Ive been supporting her financially. Im always handing her money and paying the rent in fullsometimes twice a month. Whenever we pop to the shops, Mum comes along and pays for everything herself. On every holiday, I choose her expensive and beautiful gifts. Mum sees my help as her due, as if its my duty to make sure she has food in the fridge and rent paid because Im her daughter. But honestly, I cant understand it. My daughter is my own to care for, not a burden I want someone else to shoulder.

It seems that grandmothers arent under any obligation to help their children, and yet they often do. Is it fair? I feel heartachestriving so hard for my mother and she never seems to notice.