Life on Hold

A Deferred Life

Mum, can I have a sweet from the tin? Just one! Please! Ellie circled like a fox around the cupboard, where her mother, Irene, had tucked away the precious treats that were so hard to get hold of.

No! Theyre for the table. If you eat them all now, therell be nothing left for Christmas.

Ellie puffed out her cheeks in frustration. What difference did it make, when to eat a sweet? And she wasnt even asking for all of them, just one! Why was her mother always like that? If it was tasty, it had to be left for later; if it was a nice dress, it was “for a special occasion”. Ellie longed to take a sweet, put on the new dress her father had brought her from London during his last trip, and visit her friend Lucy. Lucys mother never seemed to mind if she wore new things to school, mostly because, as Ellie had overheard once, she made them herself, rather than buying them. So what? Lucy was always the best dressed in their class, while Ellie went round in a tired polka-dot frock she was thoroughly sick of.

At that age, Ellie had no idea how difficult it was for her parents to afford even the basics, let alone sweets and nice dresses. Irene worked at the local library, her father was an engineer. From the earliest years, Ellie often heard the word manage. If her parents managed to get hold of something, it meant there was the sudden arrival of something new, something you couldnt just find at the shops. Thats how shed got her lovely shoes, and how her mother had new boots. Mind you, after buying them, theyd eaten only pasta and potatoes for nearly a month, but Irene had been so delighted she kept the boots, admiring them before she even wore them. Those boots remained so vivid in Ellies memory that even when she grew up, she could recall each scratch and worn heel on them.

Time passed, and soon the world changed. The shops filled up, there were clothes, sweets, whatever your heart desired. The problem was money. Ellie was in Year 9 when one evening, her father returned home and announced excitedly, I’ve been taken on!

She didnt know what that meant, but seeing her parents reaction, she sensed it was good news. It was the joint firm where her father was now working dealt in electronics, and he quickly found his skills put to use as never before. Ellie watched as her perpetually pensive, sometimes grumpy father discovered his talents anew, and his career began to flourish. Life became easier. Irene no longer spent her evenings poring over the household accounts, trying to squeeze out enough for a new jumper for Ellie. Suddenly there were designer jeans, trainers, the modern things. Ellie abandoned her early plan to leave school at sixteen for work. She set her sights on university instead, and her parents were all for it. Ellie spent two years glued to her books, going out neither to parties nor visiting friends, and passed her exams with flying colours. She became a university student at last. Now, she could have relaxed, but Ellie had other ideas. She sought academic success and a good job first; the rest, she’d leave for later. And she managed that, too. A top degree, a good position (thanks in part to her fathers connections), and eventually, it seemed, all her goals had come to pass. She bought her own flat, a car, she travelled on holidays abroad. But still, she was alone.

That didnt bother her. She had never been the goody two-shoes type, admirers were never in short supply, but she wasnt rushing into a relationship. Why hurry? While she was young, there was so much to do. Thered be no time for anything else once the children came.

Only at thirty-five did Ellies first serious relationship blossom. She and Victor were colleagues, with offices side by side for years, but had only ever exchanged polite chat. Ellie never guessed how much he liked her. Victor was striking, clever just what Ellie appreciated most. Eventually, he set aside his shyness, and after one work do, where a slightly tipsy Ellie leaned her head on his shoulder as they danced, he simply asked:

Marry me. Were both successful, not getting any younger. Lets start a family. Ive fancied you for ages, Ellie more than fancied. I love you!

Ellie laughed softly. Vic, dont be funny. Weve got ages yet. Theres time.

But in the morning, when she woke at his side, she looked into Victors eyes and surprised herself by saying, All right then.

A grand wedding followed, with Irene in tears of joy at the prospect of grandchildren. Over the next three years, Ellie realised that all her professional achievements meant little compared to what shed gained, so late and after so much postponing.

Hes gone my futures gone, Mum. Ellie couldnt even cry as she held the hospital test results. Why was I so foolish?

Give it time, darling. Thats just one clinic. Medicine moves fast. Dont lose hope yet.

When? Ellie snapped, flinging the papers away and watching them flutter to the carpet.

The flat was almost unchanged since her childhood. Both parents refused outright to take money for home repairs or new furniture, even though her father no longer worked and was in poor health, and Irene was afraid to leave him on his own. Ellie did what she could anyway, making sure their old fridge was always full just like her own, and that the worn-out chairs had been given a second life after restoration. Vintage was in fashion, after all. She had managed to redecorate once, a decade ago, but now as she stared at a patch on the wall, she thought vaguely about new wallpaper and sanding the floorboards. Odd the things that pop into your mind, just when the world you built so carefully seems to fall apart

Mum, dont you get it? Times the one thing I dont have

They sat together for ages, not noticing when dusk filled the room, ignoring the telephones shrill ring. Ellie wept in waves, then stilled, unwilling to talk any more about things that needed no discussion. At last, she turned towards the faint outline of her mother in the gloom and said:

Thank you, Mum

For what, Ellie love?

For listening. Theres no one else now. Besides, whod care?

Dont say that! Irene reached out to gently cover her daughters lips. I care! Your father cares! Victor cares, too!

No, not Victor.

But why?

Because this is my problem, not his. He hasnt got much time either. But he he might still have children.

Ellie stood, gave her mum a swift hug goodbye, slipped out before Irene could argue, and got ready to leave.

Ill be all right, Mum, dont worry. Ellie blew her a kiss at the door and left Irene slumped, spent, on the hallway chair, questioning why her daughter had to undergo such a trial.

Ellie couldnt bear the thought of going straight home, so she detoured to the embankment. It wasnt a great place for a walk at that time of year, with just a few dog walkers and a huddled elderly couple scurrying from the autumn wind, exchanging brief comments. Ellie watched them go and, suddenly, tears burst out again. Once, shed dreamed of growing old together, sharing words without speaking, everything hers and his and shared But that future had vanished. She understood, finally, that shed loved Victor all along had only postponed admitting it, as shed postponed everything. Now, none of that mattered; if you love someone, your thoughts should turn to them, not yourself

Staring at the chill, unfamiliar Thames, Ellie remembered walking here with her parents as a child, stretching out the moment when she could have a single treat. Ice cream, always weather didnt matter. Oddly, shed never once had a sore throat, even from winter ice cream. But her own children would never know days like these

She lifted her gaze from the inky water lapping at her feet and shook her head. Enough! Feeling sorry for herself would change nothing. She had to keep going. Find something, anything, to make life move forward. Her career counted for nothing now; she understood, as sharply as pain, that her achievements couldnt replace what shed lost. Shed have to find something else. But what? She didnt know. Only that, today, there was a task to address immediately. Her own time was her own, but Victors no longer.

Ellie walked towards her car and froze. A rough cluster of teenagers circled around it. She looked over her shoulder: the street was empty. No one to call for help even if she needed it. But with the emptiness came a wave of rage and indifference. What difference did it make, now, what happened to her?

Stuffing her cold hands deep into her pockets, she strode up.

Whats going on here? she asked.

The boys, maybe sixteen, spun round.

This your car?

Yes.

Theres, er, something under the bonnet! We need to open it, get it out! They all spoke at once. Ellie realised it wasnt her they were after.

Wait. One at a time. Whats under the bonnet?

They exchanged looks; the smallest boy stepped forward. Hes the leader, Ellie thought irrelevantly.

Theres a kitten. We saw it climb up under your car. Maybe its on a wheel or up inside. We need to get it or itll get hurt.

Ellie’s brows shot up. Are you sure?

Yeah. We saw it. Its cold, they crawl under cars for warmth.

Ellie unlocked the doors and popped the bonnet. Oh, crikey! she yelped as the boys pulled out a filthy, wriggling black kitten.

Nasty little beggar! the leader laughed, extending the soot-black furball to Ellie. Here. For you.

Me? Ellie took the suddenly calm kitten gingerly. But Ive never had a cat before.

Youll manage. Feed it well.

The boys laughed, drifted offbut Ellie called after them, rummaged in her purse and handed over a fiver. You cant rescue an animal without a reward my mum always said so.

Cheers! They waved and disappeared.

Sitting in her car, Ellie stared down at her unexpected companion.

What am I supposed to do with you?

The kitten, settling into her lap and kneading dirty paws into her pale coat, answered only with a loud, contented purr.

Well then Im getting old and I have a cat. Just right. She started the car and buckled up. Come on, lets go home.

Ellie put off talking to Victor until morning, spending the evening bathing the little beast.

Where did you pick up so many fleas? Nightmare! A monster, thats what you are. How did I let myself get dragged in? Ellie scrubbed the kitten in the bath while Victor stood by with a towel.

Weird

What?

Cats usually hate water. This fella doesnt mind.

Hes purring, cant you hear? Under my hands, hes got an engine running.

Wrapping the small, sodden kitten in a towel, Ellie declared, Right. Lets feed him.

Once fed, the kitten curled drowsily beside Ellie on the sofa. Victor finally asked, Ellie, well? Any news?

Ellie sighed deeply. Better to say it now than wait.

Were getting divorced, Vic.

Thats new. To celebrate what?

That I wont be having children. And its my fault. But you still have time. Youll find someone and become a dad.

Victor stared at her as if for the first time. So just like that? You think Im some robot? Fancy one, fancy another? Ellie, whats the matter with you? It never crossed your mind that I love you, want you, not some mythical other. But youve decided already

He stood, picking up the kitten. Im sleeping in the study tonight. Goodnight.

Ellie nodded in silence, waited for him to leave, then sobbed quietly into the hush. What a mess But doubt gnawed at her. Thats easy for him to say now; in two or three years, would he feel the same?

Those thoughts plagued her all night. She turned over every memory of their life together, balancing and weighing, but believed her decision was right. Momentary nobility often turns into lasting regret, and Victor would never let on if he did regret itnot his way.

She finally slept at dawn, curled up in an armchair, not hearing Victor get ready for work, feed the kitten, or leave. She woke at midday, covered with a warm blanket. A note lay nearby: Back in the eveninglets talk. Dont even think of leaving. Im not letting you go. Love you.

The kitten sat by her feet, fixing her with big green eyes.

What? groaned Ellie, stretching. Her body ached from awkward sleep. I need a coffee. Want some?

For the first time in days, she smiled, watching him bolt for the kitchen.

Youre settling in fast, eh?

As she made coffee, the thought swept over her: today, she felt lighter. Was it Victors note? Or perhaps time, at last, had begun its healing work. She couldnt say. She just knew the pain was softer than yesterday. She couldnt shape it into hope just yet, but something new hovered in the airthat meant she had to keep living.

Ellie called work, faked illness, and took a day off. She made appointments for a haircut and a manicure, got dressed, and went out.

The city was drenched right through; cars floated along the streets, the rain relentless. She forgot her umbrella and got soaked just getting to her car. As she drove, she batted away the urge to turn back. She had to do something, or shed just sink into old patterns, tears and endless anxious thoughts.

The weather made queues in the salon drag. Ellie flicked through a magazine while she waitedadverts, articles about motherhood, childhood The cover made her smile wryly. Out of a pile of glitzy tosh, shed picked exactly this one. How had it got here? She flipped more pages, then stilledstaring at the photo of a boy with brilliant green eyes, the colour of duckweed. Something about him seemed deeply familiar. A half-formed thought hammered at Ellies mind. She tore her gaze from the boythree or four years oldand read the caption underneath.

The stylist, hunting for Ellies name, found the chair empty. No sign of their clientor of the magazine. No one seemed to notice.

Victor gave a start as Ellie burst into his office, but said nothing. He had never seen her so feverish with excitement.

Look! She thrust the magazine before him, finger stabbing at the childs photo.

Whos this?

I dont know, Vic. Only a name and age. But look!

She hauled him over to the mirrored wall dividing their adjoining offices, pressed the magazine into his hands, and spun him to face the glass.

Remind you of anyone?

Victor looked from the boys photo to his own faint reflectiona near match, just thirty years older.

Amazing, isnt it? Ellies hands tightened on his shoulders. She felt lightheaded, as though her future hung on what Victor would say next.

Thats incredible Victor read the article, eyebrows leaping. Are you sure?

No. I know nothing, Vic. For all I know, his parents might already have found him. The magazines not even this months. All I know is, what I see right now is impossible. And I never want to put things off againnot ever!

They brought Sam home from the childrens home six months later. Two years after that, Ellie spotted a photo of a little girl just the same way, and that girl became their daughter. Molly had only ever known Ellie as Mum. Five years later, when Ellie blamed some mystery symptoms on the onset of the menopause, she was stunned when the doctor smiled and she realisedshe was expecting again.

Julia arrived right on time, to the amazement of their now large and boisterous family.

Irene lived to see her granddaughter. She passed away just a year after Julias birth, illness slowly draining her strength, though she fought it with every ouncealways trying to be with the grandchildren she so loved.

Youre my joy my life, in you all

Clearing her parents flat, getting her father ready to move in with them, Ellie discovered a box tucked at the back of the wardrobe. Opening it, she gasped, then howled so loudly she startled the children playing nearby.

Mum! Whats wrong? Sam rushed to her side, bewildered.

Ellie took out her mothers old boots and hugged them, sobbing as pain ebbed from her with every tear. Shed managed when Irene died, got through the funeralbut now, the dam had burst.

Mum, why are you crying? Molly crouched before her and tried to catch her eye, then just hugged her tight and wept with her.

Julia joined in, wailing too, until Victor, catching Sams confused glance, put a stop to the growing chorus.

Come on now, enough of that. Whats happened, Ellie?

The girls fell silent at Dads tone, turning to him for reassurance. Mum would stop crying now, so it must be all right.

Oh, Vic She kept them, can you imagine? All this time

Ellie set the boots aside and rummaged through the wardrobe shelves. It was all there, her trousseau. Shed left it behind when she married, saying the old linen wouldnt suit the new décor. Now, taking down those carefully folded sheets and towels, she realised her mother had kept and treasured all of it. Little lavender sachets tucked between the linen still held their faint scent. There was even a set of sheets, bought long ago and never used, the lace edging faded, the embroidery less bright

Vic Ellie looked at her husband. How is it people are gone, yet their things remain? Why do we put off living, waiting for a moment that might never come? Its not right. Its unfair.

Victor hugged her in silence. What could he say? Ellie was right.

Julia twirled at her mothers knee, hugged her leg, and raised her green eyesjust like her dad and brother.

Mummy!

Ellie stilled, hardly believing what shed heard, but Victor smiled and nodded, so she knelt down:

Say it again?

Mummy! Julia climbed into Ellies arms and hugged her. Mummy

Sam and Molly clapped in delight.

She said it! Dad, she said Mum!

So well have to take you to the zoo then, said Victor, grinning.

When? At the weekend? Molly jumped in excitement.

Why wait for the weekend? said Ellie, kissing her youngest, rubbing noses with her. You shouldnt put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Lets go now!

She glanced at the scattered things on the floor. All that could wait. Now, she understood, truly.

Driving, she listened to the children’s laughter in the back and thought to herself that she might not know all the ways to make them truly happydid anyone?but shed do her best to teach them this one simple thing: you mustnt put life off for later. That later is a capricious, shadowy thing, always slipping away just when you think its finally within reach.

Can we have an ice cream?

Now? Sam was surprised. Mum, we havent had lunch yet!

Well manage. So how about it?

Yes! the children cheered, and Victor smiled.

Indulging them, are you?

How could I not, dear? If not now, when?They drove with the windows half-open, the cool tang of early spring slipping in and tousling hair, the memory of tears fading into laughter. Ellie watched Victors hand settle securely on the wheel, felt the kittennow a sleek black catdozing in her lap, and glanced back to find three pairs of eyes shining in anticipation.

At the corner shop, she bought ice cream for everyone, flavours tumbling togetherchocolate, raspberry, vanillasticky and perfect, little hands reaching, giggles rising. She wiped Mollys chin, tucked a napkin into Julias collar, and handed Sam an extra scoop just because.

They picnicked on a garden bench beneath a newly blossoming tree. A breeze scattered petals across her knees, and for a wild, foolish moment, Ellie tilted her head skyward, catching them on her tongue, laughing with her children at the wonder of it all.

Later, she snapped a photoher small messy troop, ice cream smeared and squinting into the sun, Victors arm slung around her, the cat twining between their ankles. It wasnt a magazine picture, but it was theirs: a perfect, ordinary happinessno longer deferred, not saved for special days.

As afternoon drowsed into evening, Ellie thought about time. Not the time that had slipped by, or the time she might never get back, but the small slice of forever tucked right here, right now, among love-warmed hands and bright, unguarded voices.

She let the memory settle inside her, gentle and unafraid.

Tomorrow, the children would outgrow clothes and bruise their knees, old sorrows might tug for space; but today was sweet, unmarred, and entirely hers.

Ellie promised herselfgently, fiercelyto savour every bite, to share all the treats, to wear her best dress just because, and to love with arms open as wide as the day.

Because now she knew: living couldnt wait.

And as they wandered home, laughter trailing like a ribbon behind them, Ellie felt for the first timenot that life had finally given her everything shed hoped for, but that shed finally learned how to take it.