Measure with Your Heart, Verify with Your Mind

Measure with Your Soul, Check with Your Mind

Oh girls, my mother-in-law has gone completely off the rails! She showed up yesterday with a pot of her own stew, can you imagine? As if my stew isnt good enough! Apparently, her darling son is used to HER cooking, murmured Sophie, sliding her teacup away and reaching for her wine. Where do they come from? Someone tell me. Are we destined to turn into these sorts of women too? If so, just leave me in the woods so I cant find my way home!

Soph, calm down, said Lizzie, reaching over to pat her friends hand reassuringly. Maybe shes going through the menopause or just bored. He is her only child, after all. What else is she supposed to do now except inflict her good deeds? So what if she brought stew? Say thank you and ask for more! Less cooking for you. Let her crack on.

No way! Next thing I know, shell just move in altogether. Ive enough with her now as it is. Do you remember the Christmas lingerie set we bought before the holidays?

The present?

Yes, that one. She threw it away!

What? Lizzie exclaimed, waving the teapot so far from Olivias cup that it blotted the tablecloth in marigold yellow.

She said it was hazardous to my health. The knickers werent the right material! Sophies laughter was brittle and wild. I didnt even tell her how much it cost, otherwise she would have eaten the receipt on the spot!

Youre never satisfied! Shes only looking out for your wellbeing, said Lizzie, breaking into cackles, before she grew serious again. But whys she rifling through your underwear?

Ask her! Sophie tossed her napkin onto the table, dabbing at the puddle. Oh for heavens sakewhat am I doing! Thisll never wash out.

Settle down, said Olivia quietly, taking Sophies napkin away and nudging her coffee towards her. Youve become so jumpy. That wont do.

How can I not be? While we were renting, everything was bliss! She never visited. I could wander round in my pyjamas, mulling over cake orders, and not a soul bothered me. She just doesnt accept that working from home is still WORK. She cant get her head round the fact I earn nearly as much as her precious boy. And now weve bought a flat, I feel like some sort of amoeba under her microscope. She breezes in and does whatever pockets into her head. All because she helped us with the deposit. Now, apparently, Im her property. Sophie sniffled.

Change the locks.

I cant. My husband will hand her keys back regardless. Shes his mum. And Id never hear the end of it. I might as well file for divorce!

Dont be daft! Over that? Sofie, wheres your fiery schoolgirl self gone? You were the sharpest lass in year eleven. Wheres all that spunk now? Lizzie snorted.

Burnt up on the bonfire of dashed hopes, Sophie declared, draining her glass with a sigh. No use snivelling. Maybe I really do need to do something drastic before I go doolally. My own child will soon be scared of me. Yesterday, he asked why I was so grumpy. What am I supposed to say? That his grans driven me up the wall? Youre right, girls, this cant go on

Of course it cant. Next time, Ill find myself an orphanno mother-in-law making stew except me! said Lizzie, beckoning to the waiter. Dessert, anyone? Emotional eating, here we come.

Go on then Sophie dabbed her eyes with a corner of tissue, finally smiling. Oh, want to see the wedding cake I made last week? Even I amazed myself!

All three bent over Sophies phone, awe in their faces.

Crikey!

Sophie! How did you do THAT? Hows it floating? Its too gorgeous!

Trade secret. My boy was playing with his Lego, and I got the idea. Dont ask about the deliverypure nightmare. But now Ive got six more commissions in the next two months. I just dont know how Ill keep up.

Rope in your mother-in-law for babysitting! Set her a task.

Oh lovely, youre so innocent, Lizzie, Sophie chuckled. She finds that too dull. As soon as shes asked, she suddenly falls ill.

What if you send your husband and the boy to see her instead?

Sophie paused, hand hovering over her coffee. Livvy! You may be onto something. Out from under my feet, the both of them, and she gets her darling for stewon her turf, from her squeaky-clean dishes. Ill just slip the small one a few sweets to keep her on her toes.

The friends all laughed, remembering Sophies sons sugar-induced rampages. At birthdays, Sophie had to watch him like a hawk around the dessert table.

Hows things with your mother-in-law, Olivia? asked Lizzie, turning to her. Weve barely heard you tonight. Not gobbling you up yet?

Hasnt had time, Olivia said, licking her spoon and grimacing. Who puts this much sugar in meringue?

You ought to show em! Show them how its done! Lizzie started to roar with laughter, but then noticed Olivias silence and sobered quickly. Are you alright?

I dont know everythings so oddly quiet. I listen to you, Soph, and wonder if things are meant to be like this.

Maybe you got the golden ticket, Livvya sensible mother-in-law. Not the emotional fireworks Sophies landed. Someone like thats a rare breed.

Im not sure Olivias mind flickered back to her own wedding day, when her soon-to-be mother-in-law, Marion, had put an arm around her.

Olivia, Im neither sweet nor a coin in the fountainyou arent bound to like me straight away. You dont even know me yet. Im a prickly old bird, get offended in my own ways, so finding common ground may take a bit. But let me be clear: family comes first. And my Harrys happiness above all. If he picked you, theres a reason. Maybe I havent yet noticed all your virtues beyond your looks and that youve a first in history, but give it time. I wont meddleyou’re adults. Ill help if asked. The rest? Wait and see.

Such honesty had startled Olivia. Its strange, when someone lays themselves bare like thatespecially someone youd barely seen a dozen times before.

Shed met Harry at a friends wedding. Olivia, towering on heels, stood a good head taller than the solidly-built chap making conversation at the edge of the dancefloor.

Not joining the bouquet scrum, then? Not bothered about getting married? hed asked.

Not really.

Odd, I thought all women lived for their wedding day.

Maybe some do. But a lot of us dont care about a new passport stamp. Wed rather be loved. Thats all.

And thats why youre skipping the bouquet toss?

Nah, Olivia had smirked. Its just, with these heels, I can barely keep my balance standing, let alone jumping for some flowers.

Theyd spent the whole evening talking and left together. Harry walked her home, kissed her hand, and left with her number. Olivia couldnt sleep that night, tracing the kiss on her hand and thinking what her gran would have said.

Shed have said, Finally! Olivia smiled, remembering her grans squint and soft grin.

Mabel had raised her granddaughter alone after Olivias father died and her mother moved to London for work. At first, letters and money came regularly, then even that stopped. Mabel almost reported her daughter missing, until a letter arrived: Olivias mother had remarried and was expecting a child. At first Olivia was glad, but soon she realised Gran was all the family she had. Her mother had made a clean break. In all those years, she never sent another card or called.

Olivia was ashamed of her teenage selfbrittle and angry, taking it all out on dear Gran, who never once neglected her. No matter what, there was always a bowl of soup waiting, and those warm, strong hands on Olivias jet-black hair, quick squeezes at the temples before letting her go, Olivia always reaching back, not wanting to let go.

Gran fell ill when Olivia was fifteen, and everything changed in a flashfriends fell away, life became pills and hospitals and college work. Olivia came to herself then, listening to Mabels halting words, gripping her knuckles so hard not to cry.

Learn, Livvy! You have only yourself now. I wont be here much longer. Let me go in peace, knowing youll be alright.

Surprisingly, Gran lasted three years longer than the doctors predicted, passing away when Olivia was at university.

Her mother returned two months after the funeral.

Couldnt leave my new kids she muttered, eyes down.

Surprised and then angry, Olivia’s mum found the house and tiny garden Gran left to Olivia grossly unfair. You should share, love.

Olivia couldnt explain itshe cried, shouted, let years of resentment spill out. She remembered all those nights sitting by her grans bed, listening desperately for each breath, urging her heart to keep beating. She knew it was selfish; she saw Grans pain, but was terrified to be alone.

Her mother listened, then silently left, slamming the door, never to return.

Lost at first, Olivia got it together. She had promises to keep. Studies were easy but holding down a job was harder. Lizzie, whose dad owned a massive furniture company, got her friend a position.

Dads not sure, but I know youll do me proud.

Lizzie was dazzling, clever, and unlucky in love.

Every chap I meet is a weirdo. Is it too much to ask for just one real man? I want kids, you knowalready meant to have at least three by now, but hes always off somewhere being useless, shed moan as the girls giggled.

A big home and family were Lizzies dream, much brighter to her than her law firm.

Lizzie and Sophie were the family Olivia never had. At school, and all through life, the trio stuck togetherdespite their differences. Wealthy, well-mannered Lizzie. Sophie, raised by her mum, sometimes with no bread for lunch. And Olivia. Sophie all but lived at Olivias, and Lizzie would join them, all crammed round Mabels table eating her legendary pies and soup. Mabels intervention helped when Olivias mother tried to contest the will.

Let her try! Ill wipe the floor with her in court, Lizzie declared.

Dont, Olivia objected. She already knows the truth.

Lizzie spoke to Olivias mother herself. No court, but after that, the woman disappeared for good.

And then there was Harry. After two years, they married. Lizzie caught Olivias bouquet and, glancing around mischievously, grabbed Harrys friend by the arm.

Lets dance?

Olivia and Sophie giggled at Lizzies bold flirting, fingers crossed for luck, but it was soon clear it wasnt to be. After only a month together, Lizzie dumped Max without a word. When questioned, she just said:

Not my cup of tea!

Sophie and Olivia, knowing her too well, let the subject lie. Max turned up at their house from time to time, but Lizzie kept her distance.

Why, Lizzie? He seems decent.

Just trust me, Liv. Theres something off about him.

Olivia didnt quite understand. Max was friendly, funny, always helpful. He praised Olivia to Harrys mother constantly, never noticing Marions pursed lips.

A year passed, then another, and Olivia found herself expecting. She was so surprised she and Harry could barely believe it. She had been preparing for IVF after doctors told her Harrys chances were slim. Harry supported her completely. So, the news felt like magic.

Its a miracle, Harry! Olivia sobbed on Harrys birthday, Marion quietly present. My gift to you!

The best gift, he said, hugging her, but Olivia spotted Marions sceptical look.

Whats wrong, Mum? Harry asked as he drove her home that evening.

I dont know, son. Its all just a bit sudden.

What are you trying to say?

Turning in her seat, Marion looked him straight in the eye.

Do you trust your wife?

Mum!

Well, do you?

Completely! And dont ever bring that up again! Harry snapped, swerving around a pothole and glancing at his mother. I dont get you. Shouldnt you be thrilled about a grandchild?

I am, darling. I am now, Marion replied, staring out into the night.

When little Jamie arrived, Olivia threw herself into motherhood. Marion never forced her help, but was always there when asked.

Liv! COFFEE! Lizzie suddenly waved her hand, distracting Olivia from her thoughts. Where did you go?

Just daydreaming, said Olivia, shaking herself out of the past. Lets not talk about all this gloomy stuff. Hows your love life, Lizzie?

Shifting the attention away, Olivia glanced at her phone. Two hours, and Marion hadnt rung or messaged to ask when shed be home. Really, a golden mother-in-law. Marion had insisted Olivia go out with her friends.

Go! Get out of the house! Ill look after Jamie.

Thank you Olivia never quite knew what to say. With Marion, things were calm, but always there was a sharp pebble beneath the surfacesomething small, but impossible to ignore.

Half-listening to Lizzies latest romantic shenanigans, Olivia fidgeted. Something was off. Why was she so anxious?

Her phone rang loudly, jolting her, the glass nearly slipping from her hand.

Olivia Marions voice was muffled, difficult to recognise. Olivia

The rest blurred in a wash of sound and tears. Olivia couldnt recall Lizzie and Sophie slapping her cheeks, or how Lizzie summoned a taxi, or how Sophie poured freezing water into her mouth. She didnt remember getting home, just Marionaged terribly in an instanthanding Jamie to Lizzie, and whispering, Come with me, please. Im frightened

Harry was killed, swerving to avoid an open manhole. The car bounced, spun, and crashed into an oncoming lorry.

A mist of pain swallowed Olivia; she alternated between crying silently or scrubbing her flat spotless to fill the slow, gaping hours. She invited Marion to move in for a bit, but Marion refused.

I cant This is his space. Sometimes I can almost hear him coming through the kitchen, asking for pancakes.

He never asked me for pancakes

We all must have had something special of our own, Marion smiled sadly. Hed always say mine were better, but never let me cook them at home.

Little Jamie wandered between his mum and gran, patting their faces, not understanding the sadness or Daddys absence.

Watching Marion thaw around her grandson, Olivia asked Marion to babysit more often. Surely, this was the right thing to do.

Six months passed, and as Christmas approached, Olivias heart ached more, knowing they had planned a family trip to the Scottish HighlandsHarrys big dream to learn to ski.

Ill conquer the slopes, and youll play with Jamie, building snowmen.

Try standing on skis first! If you manage that, then maybe the slopes will let you conquer them, Olivia teased.

Ive already won you over! The mountains dont stand a chance.

Olivia wanted to scream from the pain. Determined to cancel the holiday, she was struck by Marions intervention.

Dont do that. Lets go somewhere. All of usme, you, Jamie. It doesnt have to be the Highlands. But maybe well find something good in the change. And itll be Jamies first Christmas he might actually remember.

Olivia reluctantly agreed.

Wintry Brighton met them with relentless drizzle. The sea was grey, its waves surly, smashing in lines onto the pebbly shore.

Rather bleak Olivia commented, adjusting Jamies hat as he bounced with excitement, looking for her approval.

Yes, but powerful Life itself, Olivia, Marion said, hugging herself against the wind, eyes riveted on the sea. There was something in her, Olivia thought, and before she knew it, she put her arms round Marion, tightly holding on. The gesture shocked her; shed never been so open with her mother-in-law before.

Marion leant back, her head against Olivias shoulder.

Im glad I have you two left.

Thats an odd way to put it.

Its true, Livvy. I could have lost you both as well, after Harry

I dont understand.

Max. Marion spat the name. Olivia flinched.

What about Max? Olivia tried to remember the last time she saw Harrys friend. He hadnt come to the funeral; at the time, shed not noticed. Now, it all came flooding back.

He came to see me.

When?

A week after He said hed been away, wanted to talk.

To help?

No, Livvy. Not to help, Marion looked at her sharply. He wanted to tell me Jamie wasnt Harrys son.

It felt as if Olivia had been hit in the head.

He said what? Olivia repeated, struggling to understand.

He claimed Jamie wasnt Harrys, that youd gone and sought someone else. I even thought he implied he meant himself, but I cant be sure. Hed always known Harrys health issues, and acted like you solved it behind his back.

Olivias hands fell to her sides. She took a step away.

And you believed him? Her voice cracked with fury, Jamie startled by her tone.

What do you think? Marion caught Olivias hands, not letting her go. Would I be here if I had?

Olivia stared at her, speechless.

I threw him out, Marion said simply, hugging her. Because I knew he was lying. And more than that, because Harry believed in you. The three of us never really got to know each other properly, but if youll have me, Id like to be here for you still. I know you dont need me, not really, but I need you, so Im asking

No need, Olivia met Marions gaze. Were family. Gran always said, whats the point if family isnt together, isnt near each other? Otherwise, its just an empty word.

I dont want us to be an empty word, Marion said, gathering Jamie to her. Got chilly, darling? Come on, lets go or well miss dinner. Tell me about your gran, Olivia.

Along the dripping Brighton streets, Olivia found herself speaking honestly with Marion for the first timeno defensive shields, just talk and memories, Harry and what came next. At one moment, she stopped, pondering aloud:

But why? Why would he do it?

Max? Who knows, Livvy. Sometimes people do things so rotten you cant make sense of it. Malice, pure and simple. All we can do is refuse to get dragged down with it. I never asked his reasons; when he spoke, his eyes went so cold Harry and Max knew each other since schoolalways together. Harry was stronger, always one step ahead. Later on, school became uni, then work, then you. Maybe Max was jealous, maybe not. Who knows? I dont care anymore. Im glad hes out of our lives.

So am I.

Olivia didnt tell Marion how, nine days after Harrys death, Max came to hers. At the time, Olivia was barely able to function, and it was Lizzie who dealt with Maxshed moved in to watch over Olivia and Jamie. Whatever happened, Olivia didnt ask, but recalled Lizzie screaming at Max and slamming the door so hard the old glass cabinet rattled.

What is it? Olivia croaked.

Trust me. If he comes again, kick him out. Hes not a friend, Olivia. Not even an enemyworse.

Olivia was only now beginning to understand what Lizzie meant.

The last three days of the trip, they just talked. Jamie skipped between his mum and gran, searching their faces; they showered him with kisses and memories of Harry and hopes for the future.

Six months later, Olivia fished out a pair of long-forgotten shoes, slid them on, and winced: These are definitely medieval torture devices!

Beauty is pain! chuckled Marion, fastening her dress zip.

Can I wear ballet flats instead?

With a dress that long? Youll dust the floor. Take them with you, swap at the venue if you must.

Marion took Jamies hand and pointed to the bouquet.

Lets go or well be late.

Oh, heavens! Lizzie will never forgive me. Shes waited her whole life for this, and Id never live it down!

Lizzies wedding was extravagant and a touch franticregistrar running late, rushed ring exchanges, Jamie pouting with pride as best man. Finally, as things settled, Olivia, one of the bridesmaids, sidled over to Sophie at the cake table, patting Sophies blossoming bump.

How are you holding up?

Better now. Made up with the mother-in-law for the weekend, otherwise Lizzied have had no cake, Sophie grumbled, rearranging the stand. You have to do everything yourself! Cant trust anyone else!

What now?

Look! Sophie gestured discreetly to the cake. It got smudged in transitI could weep! Three days I slaved over it!

Its a masterpiece, Soph! Lizzie appeared behind them.

Blimey, dont sneak up like that! Want to be godmother before time?

Nope, not today, darling! Todays all about ME. Whats the fuss?

Nothing Sophie tried to shield the cake with her body.

Lizzie giggled, wagging her finger. I couldnt resist! Had a nibbledelicious!

You Sophie was overcome with indignation.

Yell at me later, its my turn to dance! Lizzie dodged her, floating away to the groom.

Whatll you do with her? Sophie shook her head, finally slumping down, smiling.

Wheres your lot, Liv?

Over there, dancing.

How are you really?

Im alright, Sophie. Were alright.

Calling her Mum yet?

Im shy.

Dont be silly! If only I had a mother-in-law like that

Olivia watched as Marion spun around with Jamie in her arms, laughter sparkling. Sophie was probably right, Olivia thought. The word Mumso full of meaningfit Marion more than anyone else.

Mum, Olivia whispered to herself, relishing the sound. Caught Sophies approving nod, and said it firmly, out loud:

Mum.Marion looked up, startled, and Olivia saw her eyes brim with tearsnot of grief this time, but something gentler, richer. She heard Jamie, shrieking with joy as the groom hoisted him into the air and Lizzie, breathless with laughter, called for the photographer to capture this wild tableau. Sophie wiped her hands on her apron and came to stand beside Olivia, shoulders touching.

Family. No one had scripted how it was supposed to lookthe boundaries blurred, roles shifting, filling voids with cakes, dances, and silent forgiveness. It was made moment by moment, out of choices to love and try again and forgive, even when it ached.

Marion pressed her hand to Olivias cheek. Thank you, darling girl.

Olivia smiled, the heaviness in her chest dissolving like sugar in tea. Around her, friends and relatives swirled, the music swelling as Jamie, crowned with a wonky napkin hat, declared, Gran, Mummycome dance!

All three found their way to the floor, dissolving into the crowd, lost in a circle of arms and music. And as Olivia twirled, shoes forgotten, she glimpsed Granjust for a heartbeatwatching from the edge with a soft, proud smile.

For the first time in years, Olivia let go. She laughedfull-throated, unashamedletting joy and sorrow whirl together beneath the lights. And as voices rose in song, and people clapped and cheered, Olivia knew: love wasnt something to be measured or defended. You just lived it, and let it shape you, imperfect and whole, always finding your way in the dancetogether.