Paper House

“Paper House”

Hannah, were going to be late!

Dad, Im coming! Hannah is hopping on one foot, pulling on her sock with the other hand.

Her socks are funny colours, one pink and the other green. Aunt Sophie gave them to her, along with the trainersalso mismatched. Its the fashion now, Sophie insisted.

Hannah trusts Sophie. Her aunt is a real trendsetter, always dolled up. She says, If nature didnt grant you looks, you make up for it another way.

Hannah disagrees about the looks part. So what if Sophie doesnt fit today’s beauty standards? Tall, thin as a stick (as Nan always says), with dark hair and grey eyesSophie has so much personality that Hannah cant help but grin as people turn to stare when they walk the high street together.

No one notices you, yeah right! Look, everyones turning their heads!

Who? Sophie would stop and spin around, searching the street.

Hannah would burst out laughing. Sophie could still be such a kid. Of course shes older, but Hannah always feels grown up beside her aunt.

Sophies naivety baffles her.

He said he likes me! Hannah, Ive no idea what to do!

Do you like him?

Loads! But he scares me!

Why?

Hes so handsome. All the girls at work are after him. But hes spotted something in me. Nonsense, isnt it?

Sophie, youre not nonsense! Youre beautiful and clever! Why shouldnt he like you?

Its a rhetorical question. No matter how Hannah tries, she never manages to break through Sophies insecurity. Sometimes she gets so frustrated she could cry.

Love, its hard to change whats been cemented for years and years, says Mike, Hannahs dad, sadly shaking his head.

Who put that there, Dad? And why? Why turn a pretty girl into someone doubting herself? Thats not what you taught me!

I tried not to. She had other teachers.

And Sophie? You mean Nan, dont you? Why do you never say it straight?

What good would it do, love? Say my mum raised Sophie wrong? Whats the use? Youre old enough now, you understand what respect for parents means. My mum brought me up alone, your grandad came later. You know, I loved and respected Peter. He became like a real father. Put up with me, taught me so much I still cant fathom it. Importantly, he didnt let my mum meddle in my upbringing much. Said men should raise men.

Dad, thats lovely, but why didnt he step in for Sophie?

He tried. But this time, his principle backfired. Sophies a girl, so Mum raised her how she thought best. Dont be too hard on her; shes got her own reasons.

What reasons, Dad? I see Sophie and want to cry! Shes wonderful, scrupulously so, but shes so I cant even find the word! Shes scared of everything. Of people! Why?

You know, love, Mum was always terrified for Sophie. Maybe thats at the root? She worried herself sick. Walked her to school even into the sixth form. I dont know why, but she got it into her head that something terrible might happen to Sophie. I rememberit wasnt an easy pregnancy. Thats when your Nan and I got closertwo men, and somewhere, in hospital, the woman we both loved, struggling. It pulls you together, see? I saw Peter making broth, going to the market at sunrise. Thats when I saw how much he loved her. And what it means to be a proper man. Peter never was a man of many words. You dont remember him, pity really.

I dont, not really Oh, but the rocking horse he made for meI remember that!

Yes! He worked on it as we waited for you to arrive. He wasnt well then, but he still pushed himself, worried he wouldnt finish it in time.

Where is it?

In the loft. Ill dig it out for the grandkids one day.

Dad!

What? Youll make me a granddad, wont you?

Not for ages!

Phew, relief!

Dad!

What did I say now?

Mike fends her off with a joke, but lets out a breath. Feels like hes escaped more questions for now, but hes not ready to answer all of them.

Their family has always been complicated. As a girl, Sophie called their house a paper house.

Why paper, Soph?

Mike, then a skinny and spotty year eleven, always found time for his little sister. She always amused him.

Because its like your tulip! Sophie twirled the paper flower her brother had made. See, its pretty! But watch

Laying the tulip on her palm, she clapped her other hand down.

Why?! Mike jumped, startled by the noise.

Its empty inside, see? Make another!

Will you squash it too?

No. Ill show you something else.

Im scared already! Mike was folding another tulip out of paper.

Dont! Look!

She squished plasticine through the base hole in one of his tulips, stuffing it until it was solid.

See? Now I cant squash it. Its still just paper, but its strong. Our house isnt. It needs something inside, like this.

Mike, surprised by his sisters insight, fiddled with the tulip, realising how much she understood.

He learned how to make those flowers from Emily, his desk-mate at school. She seemed serious, but fidgeted constantly in class.

My fingers itch. I need to do things while I think.

Under her nimble hands, paper would become a crane, a frog or even a bouquet of tulips by the bell. Teachers let her aloneshe always had the right answers, an ace in every exam. So what if she used up the school paper? At least she studied.

Mike would take home Emilys creations for Sophie, and she loved examining every one.

How does she do it?

Shall I ask if she could show you?

Yes!

Mike would beg his mum to let him take Sophie to the park, but never dared bring Emily homehis mum wouldnt approve.

Linda May, Mike and Sophies mum, is strict. Sometimes too harsh. Mike loved her, and for a while excused her moods as anxiety for her kids.

Mike! You have to think about your future! Yourself! Nobody owes you anything! Ive done my duty. Now, youre on your own. Sophie still needs me. And dont count on Peterhes your stepdad, not your father. Hope youve got that clear.

Mike didnt argue, though he knew Peter would always help if asked. He never called Peter stepdad, not even to strangers nowhe was Dad, that quiet, stern but caring man.

Mike knew that if Peter were home, such conversations would stop immediately. Peter believed family was the only right thing hed done in life and guarded it above all.

Except Mike realised young that right means different things to different people. Where Peter said children should be loved and indulged, Linda favoured disciplineand fear.

Linda worried for her children 25 hours a dayalways, just in case. You never know. This odd refrain became constant after Sophie was born.

You never know what might happen!

It applied to everyone: the friends she judged unworthy of Sophie, the teachers, the trainerswork relations only, no hugging your teacher, whats the point? Who is she, really? Just do your work.

Other people? Why bother? Theres your mum, your dad, your brother, enough! Everyone else is a threat.

Mike never knew why Linda expected the worst of peopleuntil later. He watched her dart about like a caged tiger, trying to do it all. She changed jobs so she could pick Sophie up on time. Learned to drive just to ferry her to afterschool clubs; wouldnt let her go alone. Mike helped, but by the time Sophie grew up a bit, he had his own life.

And there was so much in that life… Emily. Then their own daughter, whom Linda never expected, especially as Mike was under twenty-five.

Mike! Why? So soon so careless Your degrees around the corner! Linda stands at her kitchen window, hugging herself and shaking.

Mum, Im not a child. I take responsibility. Emilys having my baby, do you understand?

You could have taken precautions! Theres still a way

Stop it, Mum. If you keep talking, Ill say things I cant take back. Lets put it down to shock.

Leaving the room, Mike passed Sophies door to say goodbye, then into Peters room.

Peter had been ill for six months, and was in terrible pain, but kept quiet, not wanting to worry his wife and daughter, only opening up sometimes to Mike.

That day, grasping Mikes hand harder than usual, Peter pressed his flat keys into Mikes palm.

Well get the paperwork done this week. Dont worry for your sister and Mumtheyll have the house in the village. Land theres going up, what with the new estate coming. Theyll be all right. Live your life. Youre doing right; your child needs a solid, proper home. Understand?

I do, Dad. Thanks.

Peter died before he could meet Hannah. She was born a week after he quietly passed away.

Mike took up the head of the household without a word and Sophie sighed in relief. She always knew Mike kept that tiny paper tulip above his desk.

Why? Sophie would tap the crinkly paper, feeling the lump of old plasticine inside.

It stops me turning into an empty shell, Soph. Reminds me what I have to do.

Whats that?

To fill your lives with something more substantial than emptiness. Not just Emilys and Hannahs, but yours and Mums too.

Thats hard, Mike. She wont listen.

I have to try.

Yes…you have to try Sophie would sigh and change the subject, never wanting conflict with her mum.

Things with Linda only got trickier after Peters death. She closed off somehow. Sophie couldnt understand what was going on; Mike didnt have to guesshe remembered what happened when his own dad left them. Mike, only four, remembered his mum sobbing, smashing her favourite vase, gathering the shards, sobbing and scolding him as he stood in the corner. The corner became his normal. Shed shout or hug and sob, apologising and then scolding again. Mike soon grew a thick skin.

Youre tough, boy! Cant hurt you! I cry, you dont even shed a tear. Dont you feel sorry for your mum? Lindas face crumpled until Mike bit his lip not to cry. Ah, youre still my boy! Come here, Mum loves you too.

He remembered all that, and tried to shield Sophie, but that meant not living in the same house as Muma lesson he learned early, especially with Emily so delicate, just like the paper animals she once made.

“Son, I told you, didnt I? Good job Hannah was born healthy! Poor Emily, so much illness so young! What a heart condition for a young woman! This shouldnt happen, you see? And you, torn between home and work, a baby to raiseLifes all about choices, son, the right choices”

Mike would grit his teeth. Mum, stop. Or well fall out.

No, son! I meant nothing by it! You know Ive always been blunt.

Too much Mike would pick up Hannah from her grandmothers and forget to ask Sophie how she was after a talk like that.

Sophie never complained. She was so much like her fathersilent, intense, only open with family.

But with Mum, even love and trust were treading on thin iceone wrong move, and everything could shatter.

Emily died five years after Hannah was born. One morning, she simply didnt wake up. Mike was making tea, careful not to disturb her, until he realised something was wrong. When he checked their bedroom, everything changed.

Hannah!

He moved, quietly, into Hannahs room. Her beloved cuddly cat was on her pillowHannah hadnt brought it to Grannys, as Mike had taken her straight from nursery to his mums. He gripped the toys ear and howled, animal-like, trying to let the pain out.

How long he sat in Hannahs room, he never remembered. Eventually the darkness lifted, and he made it to the kitchen for his phone.

Mum? Can Hannah stay a bit longer? Yes, I know you have work. Just for now. Ill call

Two months vanished from his memory. He moved, did things, cooked for his daughter. Hannah, sensing his pain, clung to him, asking little about her mum. Only later did he realise, seeing her sneak into the forbidden bedroom, sit by the empty bed hugging her toy, talking softly to the big photo on the bedside table. Thats when he knewshe understood.

He didnt enter. Instead, later, as she left, he scooped her up, buried his face in her plaits, and asked quietly:

Who told you?

Granny. She said you need looking after. She said not to mention Mum, or youd be sad.

Mike squeezed her too hard and she squeaked. He caught himself.

Sorry, sweetheart. Im sorry for everything. You can talk about your mum to me, whenever you want. Dont listen to anyone else. Only me, right?

By the way Hannah sobbed, Mike realised how much his child had bottled up. He swore at himself for leaving her alone with her painand at his mother for not understanding.

But his anger only grew, especially when, late one night, Sophie turned up at his door.

Hed just settled Hannah, and sat on the kitchen in the dark, stroking the cat and staring at the black window. Hed started sleeping on a blow-up mattress in his daughters room. Something needed to changemove house, or find a new solution.

He only heard the gentle knock because it was so quiet.

Later, hed shudder to think what if Sophie had just turned round and left that night, had he taken the sleeping pills the doctor suggested.

Soaked through by the endless autumn rain, Sophie stepped inside and hugged him tight, just as he had just hugged Hannah.

Sophie! Whats happened?

It hurts Sophie swayed, and Mike caught her. Something was very wrong.

The ambulance took thirty minutes. Another hour later, she finally slept, not having managed to tell him what happened.

The next morning, Mike saw the bruises on her arms.

Whats this?

She tugged at the sleeves, but the bruises showed through.

Sophie?

Mike, I dont want to talk about it.

Youll have to, Soph, or I cant help you. I need to know.

Her eyes filled with tears. She shook her head.

ItsWas itMum? Mike forced himself to ask, scared of the answer.

Sophie nodded, then took his hands and held on for dear life.

Dont make me go back. Not right now. Im scared, Mike

As he calmed Sophie, Mikes mind spun. Make a scene now, and it would never be patched up. Whatever it was, Mum had finally crossed a lineSophie was all she had left to control.

“Tell me. Just tell me. Well work out what to do. Sophie, Ill do anything to make sure you never cry again. Trust me?”

Had Sophie hesitated, Mike would never have forgiven himself. But she got it, nodded, pulled herself together and sat up straight. In that moment, she looked so much like her dad, Mike shivered. Disappointing Peter wasn’t an option.

“Mum found out I was seeing Andrew. Remember him?”

“The scruffy one?” Mike slid tea and toast across. “Eat.”

“I can’t. Later. Youre scruffy! But yes. Thats him. Nothing serious, I swear! Just the pictures and a stroll through the park. Daytime! He never even tried to kiss me, you see?”

“Sophie, dont shout. I understand. I do. What happened with Mum?”

“She screamed at me! Shook me like a rag doll, yelling awful things, MikeI cant repeat them! Whys she like this? What have I done? Havent I always listened? Always! Im not stupidI know its too soon for that. But she screamed Id be pregnant and regret it like you… Sorry! I shouldnt have said that Mike! Am I really like she says? Cant keep my mouth shut…”

She wept, raggedly, leaving Mike momentarily at a loss.

Then it came naturally. Right now, Sophie looked so much like his own little Hannah, he just swung her onto his lap, hugged her and wiped her tears, muttering kindly:

“Well have a flood. Stop it, you! No ones hurting you again. Not ever, right?”

Her grey eyes searched his, and Mike repeated:

“No one! Not even Mum. I promised Dad I wouldnt let anyone hurt you. You reckon Id break that promise?”

Sophie shook her head.

“Good. He raised me to keep my word. Hannahll be awake soon. Can you look after her? Give her breakfast, Ive got to go see Mum.”

“Dont!” Sophie leapt up.

“I must!” He pushed her back onto the chair, handed her the toast. “Finish. Then freshen up. Dont scare the lass.”

The talk with Mum was hard. Linda screamed, demanded Sophie return at once, then wept, begging Mike to give her back her life. Mike waited for calm.

“Mum, Sophies staying here. For now. She needs to settle. So do you.”

“But Mike! Shes got revision! Exams coming! End of term!”

“Mum, did you even look for her last night? What if she hadnt come to me?”

“I thought she was home!”

“Youre so busy controlling us, youve stopped seeing us as people! Maybe you never saw us that way, Mum? Were not dolls, were real!”

“What are you on about, son?”

“When was the last time you asked me, not like a boss, but like a mum, how Im feeling now Emilys gone? How Im coping? Yes, you help with Hannah, thank you, but you treat me like an employee. Same with Sophie. Mum, were your kids, not your staff! You might be a great boss, probably, but as a mum sorry, but its mine to judge. Youre just not. Even now, your daughters sobbing across town in pain and you think about exams and trophies for the shelf! Mum, no. Dont botherI know your speech about the future. Listen. Sophies got me! Let her fail her exams, I dont care! Ill pay for her college, shell get her degree. Did you even know she wants to be a vet? Not a doctor, Mum, a vet. She wants it. Shell do it. I promise!”

“You have no right! Shes my daughter!”

“And that gives you the right to break her?!” Mike suddenly fell calm, seeing not a tigress, just a tired, lost woman. Shed lost her certainty at last.

He held her shoulders, looked her right in the eye.

“Mum, do you want to end up alone? Im warning you, not threatening. If this keeps up, youll lose both of us. Ill never leave Sophie. Ever. But what about you? Think about it.”

He kissed her forehead and left, collapsing on the familiar stairs.

How many times had he run those stairs? Who could count nowsometimes leaping down, sometimes dragging his feet in misery. Now he couldnt take another step. He just sat, numb, trying to guess the number of steps on each flight.

All these years, up and downand never knowing. Odd, isnt it?

The shrill ring of his mobile stirred him. At the top stair, he finally counted the steps down, nodded, and set off home. Now he knew what to do.

His tactic worked. Linda couldnt hold out for long. Within two days, she came round to try and make peace with Sophie. It wasnt quick.

Sophie couldnt forgive easily. For five long years, their relationship was a mess of fragile, swinging moods.

Linda truly tried, realising now her children werent little. They wouldnt wait quietly for her to work things out. Now her private refrain was, Theyre two, togetherand me?

Sophie got her diploma and started at a proper vets. Hannah would giggle to see the chaos when Sophie brought home a new patient.

Sophie! Thats a python!

So? Mike, just look, hes ever so sweet! Warm too! Go on, stroke him! There, see? Not scary at all. Its for a week. His owners away, George gets lonely alone.

George? Its even got a name?

Of course!

Hannah would giggle and tease, Ill be a vet like Aunt Sophie!

Oh no you dont! Mike would grab his head in mock horror.

Work, home, cautious meetings with MumSophie seemed to live on autopilot. Hannah urged her dad to set Sophie up with friends, but it never worked.

And thennews!

I want you to meet my boyfriend, Sophie said shyly, glancing away. Butpromise! No laughing!

Sophie, its enough to make anyone cry from happiness! Hannah hugged her aunt.

The right trainer, chewed by Sophies latest patient yesterday, turned up under her dads bed. Hannah slipped it on, dashed to the hall.

Im ready!

Are you? Mike looked at her, shrugged. No need to rush, Sophiell never forgive us otherwise.

Dad! Dont be dramatic! Weve got half an hour!

They spot the couple at the park from afar.

Dad, is it him? Is it? The scruffy one?

Hannahs whisper is so loud Sophie frowns at her, wagging a finger.

Andrew.

Mike.

Handshake, smile, nod.

Hannah.

Scruffy! Andrew laughs, glancing at his fiancée. Sophie, stop frowning! Smile! Go on! Wow, fab trainers! I want a pair like that!

Hannah winks at Mike, and laughs. Then she notices the change in her aunts eyesgone is the steel, in its place a gentle silver. Its so beautiful Hannahs mouth falls open in astonishment and she claps, startling her future uncle.

What? Were all a bit mad in this family. Youll get used to it!

Thank goodness! Now I know Ill fit right inpart of the gangor what do I call it?

Family, Andrew, family! Hannah says, linking arms with her dad as she winks at her aunt. ©

Author: Ludmila LavrovaSophie laughs, a real, round soundunselfconscious for once. Her hand slips into Andrews, her head tips back, and for a moment, sunlight gilds her dark hair. Mike sees Hannah watching it all, a puzzled look on her face, as if she too senses something fragile is shifting, fluttering into place.

Sophie leans close to Hannah and stage-whispers, Youre the trendsetter now. Promise me youll always wear odd socks, no matter what.

Hannah grins, sticking out one neon-foot for show. Promise. And Ill teach my friends, too!

And you Sophies voice wavers, glancing at MikeYou kept your promise. You never let go.

Mike finds himself blinking faster, caught between pride and relief. He squeezes her shoulder, and, just for a second, Sophie lets her head rest there, like when they were children facing the world together.

The four of them walk under the budding trees, arms entwined or swinging free. Its not a grand house, not a perfect family, but theyre filling their days with something more solid than paperlaughter, gentle jokes, and the kind of courage that comes, at last, from being seen.

As the sun sets and the sky glows, they look back, tracing the path home. Hannah, skipping ahead, circles back to the others. Lets race! she cries, and with a whoop, Mike starts after her, Andrew groaning good-naturedly, Sophie trailing with a gentle, unhurried stride.

Maybe, Sophie thinks, as twilight wraps around them, you dont need to patch every tear in the paper house. Sometimes, its the people inside who make it strong.

And, holding hands, mismatched and mended, they run together into the eveninga family, not perfect, but finally, finally whole.