The Little Apple

The Apple

Youre just like your mother!

What do you mean, Gran? Kate bristled unintentionally, then immediately caught herself. Whom was she defending herself against?

Always having your own mind! She never listened to anyone, never! And youre just the same!

What is it Im supposed to hear?

Me! You should listen to me! And show some respect! Im older than you and know how life works! Understood?

Kate stared, puzzled, at her slightly disheveled, red-cheeked grandmother, who was wagging a finger right under her nose.

How odd! Why was her grandmother so adamant about being listened to? Shed just turned up and now would never go!

Kate flexed her fingers, as though holding a putty rubber. If only she could edit this daysoften some shadows there, lighten a bit here. She didnt want any darkness. She never liked rows or raised voices. Her mother never spoke to her like that. Mum always said that truly good people knew how to listenand to hear.

Ears open, Katie, listen carefully, just like a good bunny, her mum used to say. Do you know why rabbits listen so well? Because the fox creeps very quietly. If the rabbit gets distracted and doesnt listen, the foxsnap!thats the end of him.

No, stop! Little Katie would freeze, watching her mum.

Of course, thats why the rabbit is smart. He listens with all his might and runs fastno fox can catch him!

Those stories were from long ago. Kate had grown up now, but her mothers words were crystal-clear in her memory.

Funnywhen she was little, she thought her mother was exaggerating or muddled. But now she realised how right shed been!

Take this gran, for instance. Kate hadnt even known her until the previous year. Shed lived with her mum in a small town on the south coast, gone to nursery, squabbled with Nancy and Laura, then made up and run off together to buy an ice cream by the little pier. Then came school, Matthew, first kisses at sunset by the seaside

And Mum was always there.

Kate absentmindedly squeezed a large bead of fake turquoise on a bracelet her mother had made.

So what if its fake? Just look how pretty it is! Sometimes, my dear, real things are bitter and difficult. No matter how you spin it, they dont bring warmth or joy. And sometimes a substitute isnt that bad.

How do you mean?

Well, why did you and Nancy quarrel a couple of weeks ago?

She said we were poor, and thats why you bought me trainers that werent proper branded ones but fakes. She said she knew exactly how the real ones looked.

She was right, Nancy. Your trainers were made by Uncle Richard. But no one said they were branded, did they?

No.

But theyre real leather, stylish, and stitched with care. You know Uncle Richard only does things one waywith love. Do you like them?

Yes!

Well, what does it matter, then? Branded, not brandedall made up by people to feel better about themselves. See, I have something you dont, so Im superioris that really right?

No.

Exactly! The important thing is not to be fake inside. Some care about labels on their things; others are happy with what they have. And I know that those who arent obsessed with labels are truly happier.

Kate had mulled over that for ages. Shed even cleaned the floors in her room and her mums. After, shed come into the kitchen, where her mum was making her favourite apricot jam, and asked,

Mum, does this mean Nancy isnt really my friend? She says nice things, then suddenly something nasty. I know she liked my trainersshe just couldnt say so.

How do you know?

Well, Laura said so. Said Nancy argued with her mum, wanting better trainers than mine.

Oh, Kate Her mother, Irene, put down the wooden spoon and hugged her close. Dont judge too harshly. Nancys still just a child, just like you.

Im not a child!

Kate pulled away, head high, anger in her eyes, though Irene knew she was really cross with herself, for thinking ill of her friend.

Youll always be my child, Irene smiled gently. And so is Nancy. For her mum, all the children are still little ones, and theres nothing wrong in that. My mums been gone a long while, yet Id give anything to be small again and be comforted that way… but theres no one now.

She sighed and kissed the crown of Kates head.

All right! What am I on aboutlets get back to you and Nancy. Give her time. Remember, it was Nancy who carried you home when you fell off the swings? I saw she was more frightened for you than herselfshe grazed her own knees following you off those swings. She sobbed so much in hospital the nurse almost gave her a jab too, just to calm her. Do you remember?

Yes

And when she brought you her new felt tips, that her dad had given hersimply handed them over because you were ill and I wouldnt let her visit? She asked you to draw her the prettiest picture to hang on her wall and wait for you to get better. Remember?

Yes, I do

There you are! And you fret about trainers. Its all nonsense. When youre older, youll see how little it matters. Dont lose what you have right now.

Shes already been over.

What for?

To make up. She apologised.

And you?

I said I didnt want to see her and that were not poor.

Were you angry?

Very.

How about now?

Im still cross. But less.

Well, wait until your anger wears itself out, then go and make up. If you go now, you wont truly forgive her, and youll only fall out for real.

How Kate missed her mum. She would have known exactly what to say or do, especially with Granny about

Gran had arrived out of the blue.

Kate hadnt realised her mum was unwell, nor that shed reached out to her former mother-in-law and asked her to come.

Well, hello, Irene! I never thought Id see you again! A big, rosy woman shut the garden gate behind her and leaned against it, fanning herself. Its unbearable! I dont know how Ill cope!

Welcome, Mrs Graham.

Kate glanced at her mother, noticing the odd note in her voice.

This is Kate? Mrs Graham squinted at her. Doesnt look a bit like us! Are you sure shes Simons daughter?

You never change!

Now Mums voice was lighter, laughing almost, and Kate felt a little calmer. Maybe it wouldnt be so bad. Wait and see, as Mum would say.

Kate didnt warm to her grandmother. She was loud, fussy, quick to take charge, and suddenly their home was all bustle and rearrangement.

A right mess, as always! Cant you keep things tidy, Irene? Youve a child to raisea daughter at that! She should learn by example, shouldnt she? Or her future husbandll throw her out on the first dayquite right too!

Kate couldnt fathom why her mum stayed silent, hiding a smile, watching but never objecting as the strange woman dashed about, overturning everything with her own ideas of order.

Even the cats lost their swagger under her reign and scurried off to hide; and Grey, the dog Uncle Richard had given Kate, retreated to the garden and lay quietly under the arbour, grumbling if Mrs Grahams voice rang too loudly through the house.

There! The only sensible soul in this housethe dog! Knows hes no place here. Animals dont belong in a house at all!

The cats, hearing thisand catching sight of the mop Mrs Graham was now wieldingbolted for the garden.

It was then that Kate first showed her mettle. She scooped up her favourite, Pudding, and marched, pointedly, into her room.

Whats this now?! Katherine! Mrs Grahams voice was so stern that Grey barked in protest outside.

Im looking out for him, Kate replied coolly. The cats stay in the house. So does Grey. They were here long before you. Want order? Keep it then! This is our house, after all. Youre just a guest. Do as you please in your own home!

Mum gasped, clapping a hand to her mouth, shocked at her daughter’s boldness.

Surprisingly, Mrs Graham didnt take offence. She merely squinted, smirked at some inner thought, and declared, Well, shes one of ours, all right! Proper chip off the block. Irene! Couldnt you have raised my granddaughter a little more gently?

After that, she left the cats be, brushing them away with distaste but never throwing them out.

Not that anyone cared much about cats after that. Everything moved so fast Kate would stare at the old clock on the sitting room cabinet, wishing she could stop its hands.

Why did wretched time rush so? Mum was still so young, so needed! It wasnt right.

But time didnt care what Kate wished. It trundled on, heedless, giving no hope of delay, let alone a pause.

Doctors, medicine, hospital

Irene passed away on a spring morning.

The day before, Kate had flung the windows open wide, inviting in the tang of salt air after a long winter, and whispered, Mum, your cherry will blossom soonvery soon now!

Ill do my best, Katie Id love to see it in bloom.

Upon learning her mum was gone, Kate broke the branch that reached toward the bedroom window. What use was it, with nobody left to see?

Mrs Graham didnt fuss with sentiment. She drew Kate into her stout arms, produced a vast handkerchief from her pocketmore a tea towel than a hankyand barked, Cry! Scream! Let it out! You cant keep all that inside. You couldnt have done anything, child we all have our time.

Where had Gran picked up those words? How did she know exactly what ate at Kates heart? She was rightit was guilt eating her. Mum had worked hard, rested little, all for her daughter. Shed so wanted Kate to go to university, to have an education

But what had Katie done? Gone walking with Matthew and her girlfriends instead of poring over textbooks and her drawing. Her marks dropped, though she still had time to pull things back before school ended. Shed started to fix it, but never got to tell Mumdidnt want to worry her.

The letter Irene left was given to Kate only after forty days.

Here you are, Gran said. Read it carefully. Your mothers last word to you.

Why is the envelope open? Kate examined the plain white envelope, free of stamp or address. To Katie, was all that Irenes handwriting declared.

Who do you take me for? I may not be everyones cup of tea, and you may not like me, but I dont pry into others letters. Go on with you! Ive got work to docooking all day now! If you fancy, help later. Times short!

Kate realised immediately that Gran was woundedno scolding, no bickering, just a sniff and a look away before returning to the kitchen. Kate brushed her brow against the doorframe, where marks her mum had made measured her growing up.

My word! Katie, how youve grown! So tall!

Her mums voice echoed so clearly it made Kate draw back in surprise.

Such a grown uphardly. A true grown-up would never hurt others needlessly. Mum certainly wouldnt approve of her behaviour.

Kate retreated into her room, sat on the floor, and put the envelope on her knee, hesitating to open it. So much unsaid between them; so much to ask

The envelope was thick, stuffed with pages torn from a chequered notebook, covered in her mothers handwriting. Kate hugged Pudding, who circled her affectionately, and drew out the sheets.

Katie! Stop crying this instant! Youre my strong girl, remember? What use are tearslife is beautiful! Theres so much good in it. Appreciate it! Dont waste your time, not even grieving for dreams gone by. Youll say we didnt have long enough togetherbut Ill tell you, we had so much time, more than youll ever know! But I suppose you dont understand. Let me tell you everything, as you have the right to knowthis is your story.

Where to start? Perhaps from the beginningwhen I met your father. He was remarkable. First time I saw him, I fell for him. All my friends thought I was mad: How could you, hes ginger! They couldnt see how beautiful he waslike sunshine! And every bit as warm. You take after him in freckles, eyes, and noseeverything else is mine. When you were born he kept hoping youd have curls like his mother, your gran, Mrs Graham.

Shes a good woman, Kate. Dont be put off by her manners. She always was blunt, loud, sometimes harsh, but very loyal and kind.

Why didnt you know her all these years? Thats my fault. I was young and foolish. I couldnt see her properly. Forgive me.

We quarreled terribly when you were small. Your father and I were happy, until he fell in love with someone else It happens, Katie

It wasnt that he didnt love me or youits just, he found someone who became his world.

But what about the world he already had? you could ask. It simply faded. I think I always loved him more than he loved me. He stayed for your sake after the spark between us vanished; but meeting her, he couldnt lie anymore. He was always honest

I understand that now, but then I was devastated. And Mrs Graham arrived.

Now, I know she came to knock some sense into her son, wanting to keep the family together, but of course, as you may have guessed, she started with her usual: Wheres your order? I lost my temper. We said things we shouldnt havebitter and unkind. I even said you werent her granddaughter

Oh, Kate, I was so foolish! So easy to err, so hard to admit you were wrong.

Id forgotten how, when I was expecting you and worried you might not make it, she came and stayed a month, brought me healthy meals, and tidied our little flatI couldnt find anything for weeks! Only left when she was sure all would be well.

I didnt know she met his new partner, tried to talk with her, and in the end accepted her and the children she had. Kate, you have a brother and a sister. If you want, Gran will introduce youIve spoken to her. You shouldnt be alone. The more family around you, the better. That would bring me peace.

Now, the future. Kate, study! I want you to have one. But above all, choose it yourself! Dont let anyone order your life. Remember our talksabout where to go, how to make the most of your gift? You have a talent, my girl. Use it! Not everyone is so lucky. It wont be easy, but Ive asked Mrs Graham to help. There are savings for younot much, but enough for a year or two. After that, youll manage. You always found ways to earn extrayour painted bags and artwork sold well to tourists. In London, theyll sell even better. Dont abandon your dream! Let it come true! I hope to see the day when your show opens at a London gallery. Ill be proud, even if Im not with youIll know, wherever I am.

I love you. I worry for you. But I believe youll manage, my clever, kind girl.

Dry your tearsI said!

Mum.

Kate put aside the letter and sat a long time, her head bowed, fighting her tears. Mum forbade crying.

Pudding was curled up, fast asleep, but Kate sat there, wondering how to go on.

The answer came with Mrs Graham, who poked her head in, flicked the light on and barked, Up you get! Enough mooning in the shadows. Come on, Ill put the kettle on and well talk. We have work to do, not tears to shed!

Gran had little time for artistic ambitions. She scolded Kate, insisting a real profession would be better, but Kate wouldnt listen. And then, Gran pronounced with some reluctance that her stubbornness matched the woman whod never admitted how words could destroy warmth in a family for years.

So many yearsnever a word! I searched everywhere! How was I to know your mum changed both your first and last names? Not even her maiden name! Some totally new one! How did you manage that?

Uncle Richard helped.

Ill have words with himcheeky devil kept me from finding you! Hell get an earful, and deservedly!

Dont. Hes good. Helped us for years. Urged Mum to marry him.

And she?

Wouldnt. She loved my dad. I didnt know he was alive. If Id known, maybe Id have talked her into it!

Poor lamb, said Mrs Graham, thumping a plate on the table. Eat! And think on what Ive saidartist! Call that a job? What about accounting? Theres a professionalways paid, never short of a bob!

Gran! Not in front of others.

So what? Learn to count others money first; youll have your own soon enough!

No! I dont want that. Cant you see?

How should I?

I dont want to hurt youplease understand. I want to do what I love! Mum said you had money kept for me? In a month, Ill be eighteen. Give it to me, Ill go. You wont have to worry about me again! Ill manage.

Gran gasped, shook a finger at her, but then thought better. She looked at Kate carefully, then made a childish hand signthe one everyone knows from nursery school.

There you are! Ill go with you, then! See you become a proper artist. I promised your mum I wouldnt leave youso thats that! Quiet now!

Mrs Graham grumbled, pushed the plate closer and snapped, Eat! While its hot, for once!

A few years on, in a small London gallery, a curious trio stroll the roomsa flame-haired, slightly tousled, well-upholstered woman, a tall awkward lad in trendy glasses and, at her hip, Kate with a toddler son in her arms.

Well? Kate cant help but ask, though she must have sworn a hundred times to bite her tongue and wait for the verdict.

Mrs Graham casts a critical look, snatches baby Samuel from Kate, wipes his nose, hoists him comfortably and, once his head is nestled on her shoulder, gives a brief nod.

Its good. The frames are nice, and the rest Well, you do get through some paints! Kate! Couldnt you manage a bit smaller? And sort your studio out! I looked in this morning; Im sure even the devil would lose his way in there! Gen!she turns to the bespectacled youthWhat do you do with yourself?

Whats wrong, Mrs Graham?

Shes got such shadows under her eyes, its frightening! Shes not getting enough sleep. Right! Im taking Samuel today. You both get some rest, fix yourselves up, then come round after the weekend. All clear? Off we go then, eh, little man?

As she walks past Kate, Mrs Graham pauses briefly, smoothes her cheek and whispers:

Your mother would be proud of you, darling. And so am I. You know that, dont you? Good girl. My appleKate watched them gored curls mingling with Samuels fine, golden fuzz, the pair a single, bustling force. In the bright spring sunlight streaming through high windows, Gen smiled, slipping an arm about her shoulders and pulling her into an easy, companionable hug. The gallery felt suddenly lighter, humming with echoes of laughter and the promise her mother had once whispered in late-night kitchens.

Outside, childrens shrieks bounced off the pavements. Somewhere, someone dropped an apple on the gallery steps. Kate went to fetch itshe turned it over in her palm: bruised, imperfect, shining just the same. She thought of Gran, of her mother, of all their jostling voices tumbling through her life. Some sweet, some sharp, all real.

She pressed the apple to Gens hand. Can you take this for Samuel?

He grinnedOf course, boss!slipped it into his bag, and kissed her temple.

As she stood at the door, Kate glanced back. On white walls hung dreams made color and lineher mess, her order, her story. Old pains and laughter, all stitched through years and family like threads of a favorite, well-worn jacket.

She didnt know what tomorrow would bring. But as Grans laughter sounded around the corner, and her little sons voice rose with it, Kate smiled. She would listenwith all her might.

If the world turned quietly, she was ready to run.