The Subjunctive Mood

– A proposal? He actually proposed to you? Julia, are you mad? What is there to think about?!

– Oh Liv, it isnt so simple

– Whats complicated? Olivia tossed her coat over the chair and plonked herself down at their usual table. Phew! I legged it over here! Ive only got half an hour before I have to take Maisie to ballet and then whisk Charlie off to football.

– Liv, the lads almost six. How much longer are you going to call him Charlie-boy?

– He should count his blessings its only that! Can you believe ityesterday he comes home from school and tells me hes fallen in love! With Lizzie from the next street! Says hes going to marry her. What do you reckon?

– Sounds about right for your boy. Remember what you were like?

– Dont compare! Remember the drama my mum kicked up when I said I was going to get married? Olivia laughed, the memory still sharp. How old was Ififteen?

– Fourteen! And you nearly gave mum a heart attack! Mum, its decided! you said, all serious. And as if you cared that Paul didnt even notice pretty little Olivia at the time.

– Well, anyway ended up marrying him! Now Im living with the consequences of that mad crush, arent I? Mum shouldve been stricter, honestly. Washing up for a whole year as punishment! More of a gift than a punishment shouldve just grounded me!

– Fat chance. Besides, mum always knew you wouldnt actually do anything daft, you were just all talk and drama! Youve always had your head screwed on.

– Oh sure! Especially where you were concerned! Remember how wed scrap as kids? Couldnt stand you! All Clever Julia and Wild Olivia!

– Mum never said any of that.

– No, but Gran more than made up for it! Always banging on about me bringing shame to the family. In the end, did I?

– Hah! If were comparing achievements…

Julia nudged her cup aside and sighed heavily.

– Jules Olivia reached across and took her hand. Whats wrong, love?

– Liv, Im scared

– Oh come on, scared of what? Youve finally met a decent man, and youre bottling it! Whats the problem?

– I just I dont think hell accept Max.

Olivia frowned.

– Why would you think that?

– Simple really. Last night, after all the roses and the ring, he asked if Max could stay with mum and dad for a bit just after we get married, you know.

Julia turned away, fiddling with the shiny engagement ring, dazzling on her finger.

Truth be told, the ring was beautifuland expensive. But then, its what youd expect from Chris: successful, fit, a real lover of music and an admirer of the ladies, suddenly utterly smitten and settled after meeting Julia. Chris had never been stingy. His mum had drilled that into him:

– Love, a woman can rough it if her mans in trouble, but shell think twice if hes just tight with her. Thats not selfish, its sense. If hes tight now, how will he be if theres a child?

Chris always took his mums advice seriously. How could he not, having watched her slog to bring him up alone after his dad left? His father packed his bags for a new love, leaving Chriss mum, Susan, out on her own with a baby and no clue what tomorrow would bring.

Susans own folks were out in the sticks, the last place she wanted to crawl back to. Shed barely counted down the last days in that bleak little house before escaping to the city for uni. Once she left, shed done her best to forget her old home even existed scraping by in a cramped flat, working wherever she could. She learned early: get your head down and get on with it.

Susan hadnt married out of any great passion, but Chris never heard a word about that. He believedbecause she wanted him tothat other stories were possible. Carefully, Susan built their world up again, together. She found work, friends helped, and soon landed a job housekeeping for a widowed professor called Alexander.

– Alex, youve got to eat! shed say, setting out a bowl of soup.

– Later, Susan later

– Absolutely not. Now.

– You reckon?

– I know! Come on.

– And if Im not hungry?

– What did you do when you were littlefor Mum, for Dad?

– My nan used to spoon-feed me that way. You sound just like my gran

– Well, picture me as your gran then! Brightest mind in town, and you cant grasp the simple stuff! No one can live on air! Your wife would turn in her grave if she saw the state of you.

– You even sound like her. Still, you know whatnever mind, youre right Ill eat.

He had no kids, so he got attached to little Chris quickly and firmlyso much so that one day, calling Susan in for a chat, he strolled about, muttering to himself before sitting her down.

– Susan, lookI want to offer you what I can: my name, my house, my will, for you and Chris. You know my heart belongs elsewhere, but I can give the boy a future, and you a bit of security. Think about it, please. Youre a practical woman. You know as well as I do, its not easy out there. Go and have a think.

She didnt answer straight away, just weighed him up quietly, then nodded.

– Thank you. I know what this means for you. I acceptfor Chriss sake. Youre right, he deserves a better chance.

A quiet registry office wedding followed, and so Chris had a real fathernever mind the paperwork.

Within a year, Susan started university; Alex cheered her on.

– Spot on, Susan. Every child needs to see their mum aiming high.

She nodded, but she wasnt going to settle for soup and scrubbing. She had her sights set on morea small cleaning and catering business, which quickly took off. She worked hard, knew Chris was safe with Alex, who doted on him as a father would.

His biological father had vanished easily enoughon Susans request, no less.

– So youve found someone new? Good luck to you, just dont slag me off to the kid. In fact, better if he doesnt remember me at all.

She kept her promise. Chris only learnt the whole story after Alex died, when he was already nineteen.

– Mum he did love me, didnt he?

– He did, son! Honestly, sometimes I think not all children are ever loved the way Alex loved you. You gave him a reason to be a father and he loved you like his ownno, more No words for how much. Blood isnt everything. We both know that now. Your actual dad never even checked you were alive, and Alex gave us both a home, hopeand freedom from resentment. Thats no small thing.

Susan meant it. In the end, she was thankful for it all. If it hadnt all fallen apart with Chriss biological father, she doubted her son wouldve had the same life.

She moved to a little cottage in the country, handed the city flat to Chris, and waited patiently for grandchildren.

But Chris didnt exactly rush to settle downhe was looking for someone truly special.

– Chris, why are you so fussy? Susan would shake her head. Youve dated half of London by now!

– Probably, mum.

– And some of them were brilliantand gorgeous! Remember Alice, or even Lydia? You brought both round for tea.

– They werent right. Alices whole life is her career, shed never want kids or a house. Her place is like a magazine spread, all perfect but cold. I didnt even dare drink coffee there.

– And Lydia?

– Lydia was lovely, but I didnt love her the way I should. Is that enough?

– Its plenty.

So when Julia came into his life, Susan was thrilled. He was ready, and so was she. The fact Julia had a son of her own didnt bother Susan at all.

– Chris, are you actually prepared for this responsibility?

– Mum! Who do you think raised me?

– But what if her boy doesnt accept you?

– Then Ill win him over. Simple as. You want the mum, you win the son. Thats how any proper mum should feel.

– Good lad. And just make sure youre really ready. This isnt a game. If you walk away, Julia will cope, but the lad be sure, son. Think it through.

And Chris got on with it. He proposed, and now Julia was sat with her sister, twisting her ring, not quite sure.

Liv wriggled in her seat, seriously considering whether to give her sister a lecture.

– So, what did he actually say?

– Who?

– Oh for goodness sakeChris! About Max staying with the grandparents?

– He wasnt exactly clear. He just said itd be best for Max to stay with Mum and Dad for a week after the wedding.

With a rare flash of impatience, Julia flung her teaspoon onto the table, earning the sharp eye of the waiterOlivia just grinned and shook her head at him.

Then Liv scooped up the spoon, licked off the foam, then gave Julia a light bop on the head just like when they were kids.

– Ow! Julia blinked at her giggling sister, rubbing her forehead. What was that for? Ill get a lump!

– No you wont. You forget how practised I am at this?

– Were not little anymore, you know!

– Absolutely not. When did that end, do you think? When you found out you were pregnant with Max? Or before?

– Probably before

– Exactly. And whats Gran used to say? “Young and foolish,” wasnt it? Some things never change.

– What are you on about now? Julia swiped the spoon and held it against her head. Definitely getting a lump

– Bit of concealer will fix it. But tell me honestly, if youd just told someoneif not Mum or Dad, then at least meabout your thing with Nick way back?

– I dont know no point guessing now, is there?

– True, but theres something that bothers me.

– Whats that?

– Just whats it going to take for you to talk openly to people who care about you?

Julia sighed, putting the spoon down.

– Maybe youre right

– Not maybeI am. Shall I remind you how Max showed up?

– Dont. I remember all too well.

– Not so sure you do.

Julia turned away, sighing. Sometimes Olivia could be insufferable, but deep down, she knew her sister was right. Her son had come into being not because of anything, but in spite of everything.

Nick, Maxs father, was a lad in Julias classthey were sixteen, she was quietly obsessed, waiting to hear a hi just for her, thinking she was special. Shed get in early, stake her place by the mirror, praying hed walk by. He did notice her, in the end. At the prom, he took her hand, led her out; they knew her parents were away.

She didnt know why she agreed to everything that happened next. For a smart, open girl, she never spoke a word about her first romance. On a family camping trip soon after, staring at the Thames, shed wonder what to do with her secret. There was no hiding it nowbigger than anything, really. The river seemed to whisper, Lookmy beginning was small, but every journey grows. Struggle on, you can do it, even if no one else believes.

She realised almost at once that Nick didnt really care for her, but still clung to a sliver of hope. She delayed telling her parents until she simply couldnt wait any longer.

Olivia, watching all along, got a couple of mates together, and one night, hugged Julia tight, ignoring her confusion.

– Dont worry, Jules, and forget about it. Not wasting words on him. He got what he wanted, just leave it.

– Who got what? Olivia, what are you talking about? Julia pushed her away, voice rising, then blacked out, missing Mum bursting in.

She came round pretty quickly, lying there as mum stroked her face, wet with tears.

– Why didnt you tell me, Julia? Was this really better?

They all criedher, her mum, then Olivia joined inuntil Dad walked in from work.

– Whats this, Niagara Falls? he chuckled, but when he found out why, he just shrugged. Girls, come on! We should be celebratinga grandchild! Or grandson. Both are grand. Julia! Enough, dont get worked up.

Never before or since has Julia felt gratitude and relief quite like that moment. Ashamed, yes, but overwhelmingly thankful her parents stood by her choice.

Max was born in a family that might not fit the usual mum-and-dad mould, but was full of love and happiness. With her parents support, Julia finished her degree, built a good life for herself and her son. Meeting Chris rocked that securityher doubts were only too real.

Could she put Maxs future on the line just for her own happiness?

Last time shed made a mistake, it nearly ruined everythingif not for her parents and Olivia, who babysat for her during A-levels, who knows where she and Max would be now

All her thoughts mustve been plain to see, because Olivia, laughing, waved the waiter over, ordered two more éclairs and a soup spoon.

– For the nerves, she winked.

She nudged the plate closer. Julia, if you cant talk to people close to you, how are you going to manage with Chris? Honestly, just ask him why he wants Max with the grandparents after the wedding. Is it really that hard?

– I dont know Maybe youre right, maybe it is easy. Just ask?

– Yes! Right now!

Olivia snatched Julias phone and waggled it in front of her.

– Call him!

– Liv, hes in a meeting!

– So? Perfect test.

– Liv, please.

– Then text him at least.

– Hell think Im mad!

– Who cares? Hes given you a ring, youve acceptedhavent you? Or are you still dithering?

– Sort of

– Not saying no is yes enough! If youre scared to ask a simple question, how are you supposed to make a life together? Just ask him. Forget the what ifs. Decide what you want!

– If only I knew myself Julia almost wanted to cry, but she did snatch her phone and started typing. So, just ask?

– Just ask. Olivia nodded, exhausted.

The reply pinged straight awaya cheeky picture, and Julia couldnt help grinning.

– Well? Happy?

Olivia peeked at her watch. Oh heck, Im late! Some get to holiday, some just run around after kids! Dont mope, sis, youve got a good thing going. Hes right, you knowa week just for the two of you, then together as a family. Youre still a woman, not just a mum. Im a tiny bit jealousPaul would never think of something this clever. Got to dash. And talk to your boy! I bet Max wouldnt mind calling Chris Dad soon enough.

– You reckon?

– I know. But I never said a word.

Olivia squealed out of her seat, grabbed her coat, and flew to the door. At the exit, she stuck out her tongue and tapped her forehead as if to say: “Just use your head!”

Julia did.

And her thinking paid off. Three years later, proud Max was gently cradling his new baby sister, freshly wrapped in frills, and nodded at his step-dadthe man hed learned to call Dad.

– Careful now, Max! Julia stepped forward, nervous, but Chris held her back, wrapping her in a gentle hug.

– Its finehes got this, havent you, mate?

– Dad, give me some credit! Max said, lifting the edge of the soft pink shawl. Mum, shes beautifulChris grinned, pride softening the worry lines at his eyes. Couldnt have said it better myself.

Julia let out a breath she didnt realize shed been holdinga laugh, really, bubbling up, finally light. She shared a look with Olivia, across the room, who lifted her mug in silent applause before wrestling a sticky-fingered Charlie-boy out from underneath the coffee table.

Max, careful and solemn, rocked a little, humming the tune Julia used to sing just for him when he was small. The new baby blinked, wide-eyed at her brother, and Julia felt herself fill up with a sudden, overwhelming certainty: this was what all the fear and risk had been for. This circle of familythey were everything, patched together from choices and leaps of faith, and all the braver for it.

Chris brushed her hand with his thumb. I told you, didnt I? We can build something good together.

She smiled, her answer in the squeeze of her palm against his. Olivias laughter floated through the airtwo sisters, surviving and growing, proving every day that family was so much more than blood. Max leaned closer, whispering, Do you think shell be as noisy as Livs kids?

Julia laughed out loud, pressing a kiss to his hair. Well survive, wont we?

Course we will, Max said, proud and certain, and in that moment, Julia finally knewwhatever came, theyd figure it out. They already had.

Outside, spring sun painted the walls gold, and family voicesmuffled, overlapping, perfectly ordinaryfilled the room. For the first time in a long while, Julia didnt feel lost at all. She belonged right here, in this messy, noisy, shining bit of happiness theyd made together.

And that, she realised, was more than enough.