— Another girl?… Is this some kind of joke?!… Our family has had four generations of men working on the railways! And what have you achieved?— Me… am I really that much of a disappointment? Like my father?…— And what do you think?

Another girl? You must be joking Four generations of men in our family have worked for the railways! And what have you given us? Am I am I really that terrible? As a father? Well, what do you think?

Eleanor his mother-in-law sighed. At least the names sensible. But whats the point? Whos going to want your Eleanor?

James just stared at his phone, staying silent. When his wife asked for his thoughts, he simply shrugged:

Well, it is what it is. Maybe next time well have a boy.

Claire felt something tighten inside her. Next time? And this little one is she just a rehearsal?

Little Ellie arrived in January tiny, wide-eyed, with a mess of dark hair. James only showed up for the hospital discharge, carrying a bunch of carnations and a bag of baby clothes.

Shes beautiful, he said, cautiously peering into the pram. Looks like you.

Shes got your nose, Claire smiled. And your stubborn chin.

Oh, dont be silly, James brushed it off. All babies look the same at this age.

Joan, Jamess mum, greeted them at home with a sour look.

The neighbour, Margaret, asked if it was a grandson or granddaughter. I was embarrassed to answer, she muttered. At my age, Im playing with dolls

Claire retreated to the nursery and wept quietly, clutching her daughter to her chest.

James was working more and more, taking double shifts in neighbouring depots, picking up extra hours wherever he could. He said having a family wasnt cheap, especially with a child now. He came home late, always tired and withdrawn.

Shes waiting for you, Claire would say, as James walked past the nursery without even looking in. Ellie always perks up when she hears your footsteps.

Im shattered, Claire. Ive got to be up early again tomorrow.

But you didnt even say hello to her

Shes too little. She wont notice.

But Ellie did notice. Claire saw it her daughter would turn her head towards the door at the sound of her fathers footsteps. And then, when he didnt come in, she would stare into the empty space for a long, long time.

At eight months, Ellie fell ill. Her temperature shot up first to thirty-eight, then thirty-nine. Claire called for a doctor, but he said to manage it at home for now with paracetamol. By morning, the fever hit forty.

James, wake up! Claire shook her husband. Ellies really not well!

What time is it? James barely opened his eyes.

Seven. Ive been up all night with her. We need to get to the hospital.

This early? Cant we wait until later? Ive got an important shift today

Claire looked at him like he was a stranger.

Your daughters burning up, and all youre worried about is your shift?

Come on, shell be fine. Kids are always poorly.

Claire called for a taxi herself.

At the hospital, doctors put Ellie straight into the childrens ward. They suspected something serious she needed a lumbar puncture right away.

Wheres the father? the consultant asked. We need both parents consent for the procedure.

Hes at work. Hell be here soon.

She called James all day. His phone was off. He finally answered at 7pm.

Claire, Im at the depot Im busy

James, Ellies got suspected meningitis! They need your consent for the lumbar puncture! The doctors are waiting!

What? Lumbar what? I dont understand

Just come, please! Now!

I cant, my shifts until eleven and Ive got stuff with the guys after

Claire hung up without a word.

She signed the consent form herself. The procedure went ahead with Ellie under general anaesthetic. She looked so small, lying on that big hospital trolley.

Results will be in tomorrow, the doctor said. If it is meningitis, itll mean a long treatment. Youll be here over a month, likely six weeks.

Claire stayed next to Ellie in the hospital overnight, watching her daughter hooked up to a drip, pale and still only her tiny chest gently rising and falling.

James turned up the next day at lunchtime, unshaven and dishevelled.

So how is she? he asked, not stepping into the room.

Not great, replied Claire. The labs arent back yet.

What did they do to her? That thing

The lumbar puncture. They took some fluid from her spine for tests.

James went pale.

Did it hurt her?

She was under anaesthetic she didnt feel a thing.

He moved to the side of her cot, motionless. Ellie slept, a tiny hand resting on top of the blanket, a cannula taped to her wrist.

Shes so little, James muttered. I didnt think

Claire didnt say a word.

Luckily, the results were negative it wasnt meningitis. Just a nasty virus, but with complications. She could be treated at home, as long as the GP kept checking on her.

Youre lucky, the consultant said. Waited another day or two, and itd be far worse.

On the drive home, James was silent. Only as they neared their house did he quietly ask:

Am I am I really such a bad father?

Claire shifted their sleeping daughter and looked at him.

What do you reckon?

I thought thered be plenty of time. That she was just a baby, didnt know anything. But when I saw her there with those tubes I realised I could lose her. And how much Id be losing.

Ellie needs a dad, James. Not just someone who puts food on the table. A dad who knows what shes called. Who knows her favourite toys.

What are they? he whispered.

Her rubber hedgehog and the rattle with the bells. Whenever you come home, she always crawls toward the door, hoping youll pick her up.

James looked down.

I I didnt know

Well, now you do.

At home, Ellie woke up and began to cry thin, plaintive wails. James instinctively moved to her, but paused.

Can I? he asked his wife.

Shes your daughter.

He gently scooped Ellie into his arms. She hiccuped and settled, gazing at her dad with those huge, earnest eyes.

Hello, little one, James whispered. Im sorry I wasnt there when you needed me.

Ellie reached out a hand and touched his cheek. James suddenly felt his throat tighten with a feeling he couldnt name.

Daddy, Ellie said, clear as anything.

Her very first word.

James looked at Claire, wide-eyed.

She she said

Shes been saying it for a week, Claire smiled. But only when youre out. Guess she was waiting for the right moment.

That evening, when Ellie fell asleep in her dads arms, James gently carried her to bed. She didnt wake, just clung more tightly to his finger in her sleep.

She doesnt want to let go, James said, surprised.

Shes scared youll disappear again, Claire told him.

He sat there by her cot another half an hour, unable to free his finger.

Im taking the day off tomorrow, he said, turning to Claire. And the day after, too. I want I want to get to know my daughter.

What about work? The extra shifts?

Well manage. Maybe well just live more simply. What matters is not missing her growing up.

Claire came over and hugged him.

Better late than never.

Id never have forgiven myself if something happened and I didnt even know what her favourite toys were, James said softly, watching his sleeping daughter. Or that she could say daddy.

A week later, when Ellie was fully recovered, the three of them went for a stroll in the park. Ellie perched on her fathers shoulders, giggling, grabbing at the autumn leaves.

Look at that, Ellie! James pointed at the golden maples. And over there, a squirrel!

Claire walked beside them, thinking that sometimes you have to almost lose something precious before you realise just how much it means to you.

When they got home, Joan was waiting with that same sour face.

James, Margaret was telling me her grandson already plays football. And yours just dolls.

My girls the best in the world, James replied calmly, setting Ellie down and handing her the rubber hedgehog. And dolls are wonderful.

But what about the family line

It wont end. Itll carry on just in a different way.

Joan wanted to argue, but Ellie crept over and reached out her arms.

Nana! she said, beaming widely.

Joan awkwardly scooped her up.

She she can speak! the older woman exclaimed in surprise.

Ellies a clever one, James said with pride. Isnt that right, love?

Daddy! Ellie replied, clapping her hands in delight.

Claire watched them, realising that happiness so often comes through hardships. The greatest love is often the slowest to blossom forming quietly, through pain and the fear of loss.

That night, as James tucked Ellie in, he softly sang her a lullaby. His voice was low and crackly, but Ellie listened, eyes wide and thoughtful.

Youve never sung to her before, Claire commented.

Theres a lot Ive never done, James admitted. But now Ive got time to make up for it.

Ellie drifted to sleep, clutching her fathers finger tightly. And James just sat there in the dark, listening to her gentle breathing and thinking about how much you can miss if you never stop and look at what really matters.

And as she slept, Ellie smiled knowing for certain that her dad wasnt going anywhere.

One of our readers sent this story in. Sometimes, fate doesnt just ask us to choose, but truly tests us, waking up the very best in us. Do you think people really change when they realise theyre at risk of losing what matters most?