The Weight of Loneliness

Kate is alone. Her husband left her after they married, and she turned him away. It feels better than a freeofcharge service that pretends to solve all of lifes problems. What are you doing, Kate? a neighbor asks. A man shouldnt be on his own, and a woman should always have a partner. Otherwise its all wrong and no one will ever look at you. Lonelinessdo you know what it is?

What? Kate says, irritated by her mothers constant nagging.

Loneliness is a poison! her mother, Martha, laughs, not noticing the sarcasm in the strangers eyes. Its when you have to give water to someone you dont even know. Children are your own, right?

Where? Kate asks without thinking.

Where where in Lancashire! Martha finally understands that the woman in front of her is smiling openly, and she sighs. You deserve everything, but Im looking out for you. Being alone is hard, but the soul feels light when you share it. Lets get acquainted, shall we? Kate, the man is decent. He just hasnt shown up yet, but hell be quick to appear.

Kate has been single for about ten years. Her former husband, who once called himself the benefactor, fled ten years ago, leaving only a brief, halfhearted return. When Kate learns of this, she tells her husbands brother to move out of the house and, later, to take the childrens quarters as well. Although her brotherinlaw tries to convince her that one time is enough and that nothing strange happens without a cause, he whines and sheds a few manly tears, and Kate remains unmoved. The divorce is final.

Her exhusband treats the farm politely, leaving the old barn and two kids to the former wifes care. The children grow up and scatter. The son lives and works in Peterborough. The daughter quickly marries and moves abroad with her husband. Kate ends up living alone in a modest twobed flat in central Birmingham.

Living alone doesnt embarrass her. She builds a small business, a decent profession, and an income that let her settle into a comfortable life, sharing occasional visits with her son, Mark, and her mother, Molly. Though she isnt a brainiac, Kate always finds something to do and never gets bored. She reads a lot, swims, practices yoga, loves traveling, and sometimes goes to the local market with friends. Overall, she lives contentedly.

Until the day Martha decides she must fix Kates destiny

Listen to me, Kate. A decent man, not too old, about sixtyone. Youve been single for seven years. A big, decent house, a farm thats already set up. Cattle, goats, pigs, chickens everything except the garden! Its a healthy diet, milk, eggs, meat. Youll live for a hundred years, dear! And the man is charming, welleducated, and reads a lot Kate, give it a try. Lets get acquainted, ok? Martha pleads, trying to convince Kate.

Alright, Mark, meet my neighbour the farmer, Kate replies, though she hadnt promised anything.

They say nothing changes on its own, as the saying goes. Mark doesnt put the business in a longterm box; instead, he quickly arranges a meeting between Kate and the farmer.

The farmer, Ivan, turns out to be quite ordinary. Sturdy, muscular, dressed properly and nicely. Hands are rough but clean, nails trimmed. He looks carefully at himself, speaks softly but loudly, never boasts. He doesnt waste words, cracks jokes, and makes the ladies laugh. His name sounds foreign, but reliable Ian.

At their second encounter, Kate starts to look at Ian more closely. She thinks perhaps a good soul is what the mother needs. Ian is eager to forge a partnership. He says, We could get married and not have to worry about anything, lets travel together, and we can finish the work.

Kate promises Ian a meeting in the garden, to discuss the farm. There, the land is vast, the cattle graze, the pigs root, the chickens cluck, and the fields are hidden from view. There are two workers, both of Asian descent. Ians sales are steady. He talks about meat, milk, and eggs. It seems Kate might become part of Ians business too. Ian says, You see, Kate, I have a lot of work. The farm needs help. Workers are good. If you want to do something nice, do it yourself. Youll be a wife, you wont miss anything, youll manage everything. Well need womens hands for milking cows, caring for goats, collecting eggs. The house will be empty without a lady! Ill kill the cows, but a womans touch and a good pair of eyes are better than a mans.

He adds, Lets travel together, ok? Spring is coming, well sow, the dairy awaits

Kate returns home and thinks. What does she really need? She has a small farm in the city, a modest income, a tiny cottage where she wants to plant summer vegetables, and she wants a place of her own. She has already bought a used car for eight thousand pounds. She wonders where shes heading, what shell do with the garden, the pigs, the cows, the chickens.

She still has to prepare lunch for her husband, post the letters, buy groceries, and keep an eye on the whole farm. The house must stay tidy. Of course, the income from the business is decent, but she isnt living poorly. She receives a pension, which is enough, and she has some savings.

All of this is necessary for Kates comfortable life. The garden will be her backyard, shell grow carrots, bake pies, and run two levels of a small workshop does she really need that? In the evening, Kate calls Martha.

Mash, dont be upset. Ive decided to turn down Ians marriage proposal. Someone else might be happy with a hardworking man, but I dont need that. He never showed any real interest, Mash. Hes not just looking for a wife; he wants labor. Im staying in my own loneliness. And when it comes to the water for the stack, not everyone wants to drink it

Martha sighs, tears welling up for the farmers loss. Under the influence of her promise to Kate, she smiles, believing Kate will stay away from Ian. She promises not to look for more men.

Kate sends Ian a text saying she wont meet him again, that she has no desire to change things, and that the circumstances have shifted away from his benefit. Ian calls her a day later, then another, but it seems he isnt interested in her anymore. He is clever, after all.

At eight in the morning Kate wakes, makes a coffee, and sits down with a biscuit. She looks out the window, thinking she hasnt seen the kids in ages, maybe she should visit her son, and arrange a birthday for her daughter. She also needs to buy a bag for the new coat she wants, and call Lenora the doctor to set an appointment.

She thinks its fine to be a little selfish sometimes; a healthy kind of selfishness. She decides that everything is probably better this way.