“You Actually Baked My Favourite Pasties!” — Exclaimed the Husband Upon Returning Home from His Mistress: But as Soon as He Took a Bite, He Turned Pale—for Inside the Pastry Awaited an Unexpected ‘Surprise’ from His Wife

You really did bake my favourite pasties! exclaimed David as he breezed back home from his mistresss, but the moment he took a bite, his face turned asheninside the pasty, a rather creative surprise from his wife awaited him.

Emily slid the tray into the hot oven, dusted flour off her hands, and eyed the kitchen clock. Today, everything needed to be spot-on. The pasties should rise, turn a lovely golden brown, and look exactly like David always loved.

There was a time when Emilys life was simple and dull. Shed grown used to her own company, quietly resigned to the idea that sparkly romance might just pass her by. But then, one fateful job interview later, in strode a tall gentsharp suit, sharper smirk. Something about him was magnetic. Emily, much to her surprise, felt her heart perform a peculiar little jig.

After that, life did a dramatic swerve. There was love, a grand English wedding, and cozy evenings basking in the glow of supposed happiness. She was blissfulso blissful she barely noticed shed dissolved into Davids world completely.

But two years in, David packed a suitcase and announced hed be off to Manchester on businessfor one measly month. One month stretched into a whole year. Davids calls were sporadic, his texts dry as Ryvita. Emily, the ever-hopeful, waited, made excuses, believed. Untilbecause the British love their gossipa friend casually mentioned spotting David at Westfield in London, arm in arm with another woman, shopping bags in tow. Not a whiff of Manchester.

Only then did Emily realise shed been well and truly hoodwinked. She could have sparked a row, rung him up for a classic English showdown. Instead, she waited. Revenge, after all, is best served quietlywith a side of pastry.

A year rolled by, and then, predictably, the phone rang. David. He announced his business trip had finally ended and, with all the emotional range of a damp dishcloth, asked:

Could you bake those legendary pasties with potatoes? Ive missed them.

You actually made my favourite pasties! he crowed, stepping back into the house from his extracurricular activitiesonly to turn a peculiar shade of grey after a single bite revealed Emilys special addition.

David strolled back into their kitchen as if hed only nipped out for a pint of milk, plonked himself on a stool, crossed his legs, and surveyed the familiar cupboards like hed never been away. Emily greeted him warmly, betraying not a hint of her knowledge.

Ah, youve outdone yourselfthe pasties look cracking, he remarked, nodding towards the tidy mound of golden pastries.

He grinned, blithely ignoring the minor matters of dishonesty and vanishing for a year. He reached for a pasty and chomped off a mighty bitethen froze. His face drained of colour, his eyes wide with terror. This was not the homecoming hed imagined.

Earlier that morning, Emily had pre-heated the oven, kneaded the dough, and prepared the filling just like old timesexcept, tucked inside one particular pasty, there was no fluffy mash. Instead, shed slipped in a handful of tiny glass shards, just for David.

When he bit down, the alarm bells rang right away. He spat out the mouthful, but too latehis mouth flooded with blood and pain. His tongue and gums felt like theyd queued for hours in Black Friday sales. He grabbed the table and coughed, bewildered and trembling.

You really did bake my favourite pasties! hed said… but he hadnt counted on this kind of surprise ingredient.

Emily looked on serenely.

Thats for your lies and your wandering ways, she said, voice as calm as a BBC weather presenter. If you fancy deceiving someone again, remember this little sting.

David managed nothing but a hoarse gurgle in reply. Phone outstretched, he tried to get help, but Emily had already turned away. She picked up her suitcasealready packed, as you dowrapped her coat around herself, and headed for the door.

No ambulance. No tidy goodbyes. Emily was gone for good, leaving David in the kitchen with nothing but a mouthful of regret and a memory that would make him wince at the sight of every pasty for the rest of his days.